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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5220
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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I am always suspicious of my wife and get very jealous all

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I am always suspicious of my wife and get very jealous all the time. We have been married for 20 years. Why am I going through all this again? I used to be very jealous when we didn't have kids. But after having kids my 'condition' stopped. But now the kids are older, my wife has more freedom to go out all the time when I am working away. I also hate it when ever she laughs. She looks at me whenever she laughs loudly as if to wind me up as she knows I am an introvert and she is the complete opposite.

Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.


First, let me say I can imagine how confusing and distressing this situation must be for you. These fears are very long term. Having kids was able to distract you from them, but it didn't change the fundamental dynamics in your emotional self. And so it is now back, and it sounds like the jealousy is back with a vengeance.

At the heart of your jealousy is a worry about your own self-worth. She might decide you are not worth being faithful to. What if she decides she wants somebody else instead of you?

You may wish to spend a brief time in psychotherapy exploring your jealousy: the fears and lack of self worth. This could be very useful and important. But you might want to first try using some self help books to help you. So let me recommend some that I think are among the best and that are readily available in libraries, stores, and online:

If This is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure? by Hindy, Schwarz, and Brodsky. They discuss their idea about "anxious romantic attachment" which is how they describe insecurity in relationships.

Life Without Jealousy: A Practical Guide. by Lynda Bevan. Good exercises here.

The Courage to Trust by Cynthia Wall. Gives a good understanding about what in your personality is involved in this dynamic of not being able to trust.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you for recommending the self help books. Also I already know that the jealousy 'condition' has come back with a vengeance. But are you able to help me deal with it now? Is there anything can do right now with my wife for the rest of the day to show that I am making a difference. Or even show myself that I am making a difference?
Yes, there is something you can do right now:


When you are with her show her (and when you're not do this on your own) that you are rejoicing that she has chosen you. That's right, she did indeed choose YOU. She could have chosen other guys, but she didn't. She could have left for other guys, but she didn't. She chose you.


I want you to reorient your view: when you think about your wife, you have to stop thinking about anything other than: she chose YOU. She affirms her love for YOU every day. She sees how VALUABLE you are.


I'm not talking about pretense. What I wrote above is NOT a pretense! It is the truth when you look at the history: she loves you and has stuck with you. Your doing this will make sure your marriage is better. This is guaranteed! And you can do it today and tomorrow and the next day.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

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