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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5096
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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i am very depressed and i cant take the way things are going

Resolved Question:

i am very depressed and i can't take the way things are going anymore? i have a mentally abusive person
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.

Hi! You know, to give you the best answer, I think I should ask you a few questions first that will help define the problem and the situation.


Your question is very evocative that there is so much behind the simple few words you write. Is the problem your relationship with this mentally abusive person?

Your question was cut off in the middle. It would be very helpful if you could finish what you were going to share with me: could you finish writing what's going on?

Was there trauma or abuse in your childhood? What about alcohol or dysfunction in your family when you were growing up?

Are you interested in medications to help? Or self help techniques? Or psychotherapy?

Are you getting any treatment right now? If so, what type? How is it going?

If not, when was the last treatment? What type of treatment was it? Was it helpful?

Any extra information that will help, feel free to share.


Dr. Mark

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

my husband wishes i would do harm to myself.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
If this is true, then you are in danger and you need to leave.


Before we continue, though, I want to make sure that is the problem you would like me to help you with. Is this the case? Is he trying to end the relationship by having you harm yourself?


If so, will you be willing to leave to protect yourself?


Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

that is the probelm i would like you to help me with. this is the case. no just never cared about me

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
And are you willing to leave? Because it does not sound wise to stay.


Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

he has wished i was dead from about 3 years into our marriage

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.

Thank you for the replies to the questions and the added information. It helps a lot in understanding what the situation is. I believe I can now be of help with this issue.



It sounds like you've put up with a lot for a while now. And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. From the fact that he's so negative and belittling and verbally controlling, we have to be concerned that he may be narcissistic. In other words, his being abusive would be not just because he has a temper problem and anger issues. It would be because he has a disorder called narcissism. It is a personality disorder where he needs to dominate and control and not be in an equal relationship. This is very dangerous and problematic. So I am concerned for you. Because narcissists can turn on the love and the charm like a water hose and douse you with it one minute. But it's not their real self, it's just a strategy they use. They then can turn it off once the love and charm has done it's job and become abusive and controlling just like that. It's very destructive to you.

You know from your experience that he will not accept any blame. Why not?

Because narcissists never believe the problem is in them. The problem is always in YOU. So if they ever seek help, it is only to get what they want. Then they stop coming to therapy once they've convinced the people who have forced them to get help that they have tried. And all the while, they keep doing what they believe they should be doing. So, I need you to stop trying to hope beyond hope that you are going to somehow stop him.

So, I want to focus on what you need to do.


The type of therapy you need is not as important as the women's help organizations that are in every city today ready to help women get out of abusive situations. They have access to counselors and psychologists and psychiatrists who are experienced with women's issues when they are being abused and controlled. That's what's most important.

Therefore, I want you to Google "abused women services {name of your city or metro area}". Okay? And only follow the links to non profit organizations, the ones with .org after their web name. Look at the services they offer. Some may have a safe house where you can go right away until you get yourself on your feet. That's important. Some have a shelter with counseling. That might be useful. Many have legal services they will help you with. The first thing is to get help in getting out and getting counseling and therapy for yourself.

If you have family that you could stay with so that you can get your bearings instead of a shelter, that would be great. You need to clear your mind from all the belittling and putting you down. That will take time and therapy.

So now let's take some more time on narcissism to help you be committed to leave so you can have a good life. Let me remind you of what you know within yourself is true because you've experienced it:

It is very difficult for people to imagine how pervasive NPD is. They tend to keep doing things with the narcissist as if he's normal. Then they get burned and they are very hurt. He can alternate charm and invective. You get hurt. I am going to recommend a wonderful book that you need to read even though it is geared toward pure narcissism and with it I'll give the Amazon page for it:


It is called: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life by XXXXX XXXXXez-Lewi.


http://www.amazon.com/Freeing-Yourself-Narcissist-Your-Life/dp/1585426245/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283986442&sr=1-1

You have a right to make your own life. Being on your own may be hard but if you resist the temptation to isolate yourself and put yourself out there socially, you can be fine. And there are therapists who can help you with your own psychological needs.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

my husband has never been supportive since we been married. he has told his sister-in'laws son to tell me to kill myself.called up my gym and told a employee that when i came there to relay the message that your husband wants you to kill yourself. my sister-in-law use to talk to his boss where he works and also where i used to work. she was told by him that don my husband has said that he wants me to kill myself.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
This is indeed very distressing. And it makes it even more imperative that you leave. Please take the steps that I've mentioned above to get yourself to a safe and supportive environment so that you can heal and begin to feel better about yourself and about life. Okay? Please do that.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5096
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
Dr. Mark and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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