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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5132
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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my wife and i have been together for 20 years and she has come

Customer Question

my wife and i have been together for 20 years and she has come to the conclusion tht she is not happy in the marriage or with herseldf and want to be happy with her...after a couple of weeks instead of a divorce she has finally agreed to go out on a date with me and i want to knock her socks off and get a second date in hopes of saving my mrriage...what can i do on the date to impress her?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.

Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.

We don't have a lot of time, so I'm not going to spend a lot of words on the long term needs, like couples therapy. I'll just say it's there, okay? There are long term problems that will need to be addressed after the short term is dealt with so you don't get to this point again, right?

Okay, now let's get started. I assume the date is coming soon, so here's the name of a book that you can browse right in Amazon to get at least some ideas. Scour it for anything that might be helpful to use leading up to the date, during, and after the date. The concept is big also: being romantic. It's important long-term, you've already tried it I see with flowers, so keep on doing it now and use the book for ideas.:

The RoMANtics Guide: Hundreds of Creative Tips for a Lifetime of Love by Michael Webb. This is your guidebook! You can Google other tips too. Why not? Here's the Amazon page:

http://www.amazon.com/The-RoMANtics-Guide-Hundreds-Creative/dp/0786884347/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1346622915&sr=8-1&keywords=romantics+guide+michael+webb


Now this following strategy is the meaty part of it. You're going to start with a book. You'll get 2 copies, one for each of you. You take it with you and you see if you can get her to go along with this program. Because it's meant to get you two attaching to each other; see the idea? You're trying to give a framework for continuing the date and building on it. The idea:

Each night you're both going to read a few pages or a chapter and do the exercise there if there is one in those pages. Every other night, or at most, every third night sometimes, you will get together, either at a park or at a Starbucks or by phone and talk about what you read. What you think of it, what it inspired in you. Make notes in the margins. And each one talk about the subject of the pages and what you think. That's your assignment and dates.

The book: It's by the foremost researcher into relationships in our day, John Gottman. He's famous for being interviewed on TV and being able to tell when a couple will get divorced within 5 minutes and having 90% accuracy. I've studied his therapy and use his therapy in my practice and that's why I'm concerned that you two do this. So the book is the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. You can get it cheaply online or see if you can get it locally to save time in case you can't get it delivered in time.

Now, a secret: the magic is not in the book. The exercises and Gottman's insights will be very useful and important for the two of you. But the magic is in the act of working together on your marriage! The two of you paying attention every single day to your marriage and making effort every single day: that's the magic ingredient in great marriages that GROW in love as the years pile up. So you're trying to show her that you're the guy, not the fellow in Ireland who really wants to put effort into getting to know her and satisfying her emotionally.


Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5132
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
Dr. Mark and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.


we have been to one therapist and my wife's words is that she is done..she is going on this date to make sure she is right..but she has told me that she just dosent feel "that way" about me any more and she is simply not happy in the marriage or with herself..i have moved ot per her request to give her "space" she has asked for...i just want to win her back..she still loves me but not in love with me...will this book adress the "flame out" issues i seem to be up against..i love my wife sooo much and hate to see her unhappy..i hate it more to see her happy without me..lol..so the book will help?

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.
You know, I dealt in therapy with this situation. The man was my client. The woman was no longer interested. So I understand what you mean when you are expressing these feelings about seeing her unhappy and how much it hurts to see her happy without you. I understand.


But I have to tell you honestly: there is NO book in the world that is going to change a woman's mind when she's gotten to this point. And there isn't one date that is going to convince her of what she doesn't want to be convinced.


And right now she wants to be convinced that she's better off on her own and she does NOT want to be convinced that you've changed and that you're the man for her.


So work with that. Tell her you understand that. Tell her you're not trying to convince her, that you're trying to have her give you a chance just like she would a new man in her life. Because you're trying to change and so you don't want her looking at you like that same old man she grew out of love with.


These efforts I'm recommending for you are not to convince her, but to make the case that you're making real efforts to make real changes to be really a new guy for her to consider. To work on things together.


You are fighting an uphill battle, I know. So these are the words and concepts you have to use with her.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, Dr. Mark

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