How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
65591635
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Rafael M.T.Therapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hey guys! I have been with my girlfriend for 1 year now,

Customer Question

Hey guys!

I have been with my girlfriend for 1 year now, we are facing some difficulty: I was working in a stressful environment and so do her, I have been sacked so our lifestyle change a bit, she wanted to be out of the house all the time, so I started to be a bit insecure. She said I was too much for her ask me to calm down, but I feel like losing her so wanted to discuss this with but each time she kind of skip and came close to a friend who didn't help at all. In my confusion I became more and more insecure which is not my nature, she wanted to go out all the time, forgetting her son and myself.
She has a new dress, put in her bag when to work whith it (night shift), told me that she will go for breakfast with her aunt, return with her uniform and the dress was in her bag smelling perfume, I asked what that on about, she said she wore the dress but didn't go nowhere with it and accuse me to be a detective and ask me to live.
She asked me hang on we will get back together, tell me how much she loves me but she has always let me come to the house or close to her like she has blockage.

I have to say she has been through a bad previous relationship and it was very present in our relationship

Thanks if you help me to understand
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private o

r confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this frustrating and concerning situation.

Customer :

Hello rafael

Customer :

Thanks to get back together me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe here is very serious, since you say she has been wanting to be out of the house all the time and leaving you and her son there, right?

Customer :

Tes, to be with her friend all the time

Customer :

I mean yes

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The the episodes around her new dress, plus her continuous avoidance to discuss about things, all appear to be concrete red flags.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It does not seem good, once every relationship requires of mutual respect, honesty and consistency, real caring for each other and what you report here shows the opposite, it does not seem she has been doing this at all, nor deserving your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think it would

be very naive to trust a person who presents these patterns.

Customer :

She said she never chat on me or even though about

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I use to say that what a person says, words, could be useless and even very manipulative, never worthy if they do not match concrete actions. If a person tells you she loves you but shows lack of respect, honesty, car

ing, support, responsibility and more, then please do not trust words but see what reality is showing you.

Customer :

She is became very confused about the situation like it was me did the bad thing, friends were taking her out all the time. She always ask me to take it slow cause she cannot manage every thing in her head in fact she became very busy with work.

And she as well told me her previous relationship affect her so bad she nearly went to mental house

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Has she been getting regular psychotherapy or counseling

since then?

Customer :

And now she doesn't want anyone in her life

Customer :

No she hasn't, offer her to see one she was okay with it but now she doesn't want to go

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When a person undergoes marital - couples issues, they do impa

ct on her life for sure, no doubt about that.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she almost got inpatient treatment because of her nervous breakdown from such experience, it is obvious it was overwhelming . At the same time she has refused go get necessary psychological support to heal fro

m that, so there is no consistency between her words about wishing to be fine and her actions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

it is totally fine for her to relax even more is stressed from work, but that should not be used as a justification to avoid being responsible towards her son and you, which is what seems to be happening here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

She refuses to discuss about these core issues, then I do not see how things could get any improvement between you. Too many red flags. My recommendation is for you to assess the whole situation with as much objectivity as possible, reflect on the core needs and expectations you have for a relatiosnhip, see if she is able to share with you at that level or not, and then choose an action plan. if you choose to remain into the relationship with all these issues, I recommend you to be very aware of all thes

e issues and what you would have to afford in order not to get even more frustrated and shocked with potential new or worse issues.

Customer :

It was pushing her a lot to be herself, be the woman I love, cause I feel that she was a bit lay back

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

All relationships have issues, but if they are not acknowledged with responsibility, they would undermine its very development and any potential for real healthy and fulfilling sharing.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Pushing does not help, but being passive when issues arise and undermine the relationship is equally dysfunctional. both, boundaries and respect are necessary.

Customer :

In all my relationship it is always finish a bit like that the woman does feel like kissing me or have intimate time with me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

could you please clarify what

you mean for me to better understand you?

Customer :

At one point in the relationship I am starting to feel a pressure and becoming very protective because I'm not use to love girl, just night stand.

and they feel that I'm becoming too much for them and there is not exchange no kiss and no sec (even love it very me), that happens with me with 3 different girl. I think I cannot control my love

Customer :

1st time she broke with me

2nd time had a ex in between

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, relationships are very challenging, perhaps the most challenging experience people could face, and it is only through experience that we could learn to mature and develop better skills to understand ourselves and out partners.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to be very honest with yourself and learn to identify when serious issues arise for you to take good care of yourself

and not to allow people to manipulate you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is why i recommend you to take time to know the other person first as a friend for you to see how compatible you are about values, beliefs, life styles, expectations and needs, then to work on the relationship with realistic expectations but grounded on real honesty and respect, sinc

e when they are not present, nothing could evolve in healthy ways.

Customer :

All what you just I'm doing too much and that's why my mum love that much she said you never let anyone change you for love

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your first responsibility is to respect, love and support yourself, from here you would know how to choose the right people and work on relationships, not allowing nay form of abuse or neglect.

Customer :

Thanks

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Customer :

So if I well understand she felt like not fitting in my life style or what I had to offer

Customer :

I have to say she hate change

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, your core needs and expectations just do not match. You need to work on respecting and being consistent with yourself, while she has to work on serious issues from past relationships and her inconsistencies, lack of openness, honesty, responsibility and

more.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Without change how could she heal and grow?

Customer :

Oh waw

Customer :

She is the less confident person I ever met sexuel and to talk (even with her family)

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

then it is obvious she needs to work on herself with professional support, otherwise, attaching to "no change" approach would

not help to heal and grow.

Customer :

Oh I break up with her yesterday so there is nothing I can do to help

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please focus on working on your

self while allowing her to do the same. She is the only one with the power so with the responsibility to make changes and improvements in her life.

Customer :

She has a lovely personally when she talks I really love, I try it once cause I ask her but to square 1

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Positive personality traits and very worthy, but they cannot neutralize and should not deny necessary work around the negative aspects of the person's ego.

Customer :

I'm someone who is perfectionist always work on myself but I'm doing very fast now I'm talking to you all you tell me and good advice I will take it on board and react as is

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good then please work on yourself, but remember that improving yourself requires patience, gentleness, compassion, unders

tanding, real love and respect towards yourself. perfectionism alienates us since pushes ourselves in distorted ways. Please reflect on that.

Customer :

I love charming in the relationship I really do, if I don't have it I'm lost cause I don't wanna cheat

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good insight followed by consistent action is the way to go, then i totally support your approach.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Customer :

So I didn't anything wrong

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I don't think so. Please focus on working on yourself, reflecting on lessons from this experie

nce and on making necessary improvements in yourself in assertive ways.

Customer :

Thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Bye for now.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education