How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Kaushik Your Own Question

Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4049
Experience:  MD Psychiatry
9385906
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Dr. Kaushik is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

A former coworker of my husband calls every few months, asks

Resolved Question:

A former coworker of my husband calls every few months, asks him to lunch, talks about her problems with her mother, and money, and tells him her boyfriend is not supportive.

In the past 16 years, she has given him birthday gifts, cards, has left little gifts on his desk at work. Tells him about her health issues. Has him come to her home to repair things.

He tells me about these things, and when I get upset, and say it is not right, considering, he no longer is interested in intimacy with me, or is emotionally absent, he defends her, his friendship, and says that I am the one with issues.

He doesn't see her much that I know of, but I would guess now it is every few months that she contacts him. Is this an emotional affair?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 2 years ago.

Dr. Kaushik :

Hi there,


Welcome to Just answer !


 

Dr. Kaushik :

Well, i believe if your husband is honest with you about his meetings with this woman and has never tried to hide anything from you , then i believe you have a husband with a clear conscience and a kind heart who just tries to help this woman out whenever she is emotionally down and seeking for a shoulder to cry on and gain some moral support and boosting. Yes, it does seem like she finds an emotional connect with your husband but i am not sure your husband seeks the same connect from her as most probably out of generosity and playing a good samaritan he just tries to help her out as a friend and nothing more than that.

Dr. Kaushik :

I know it pains you to see him care so much for another woman as you want him all for yourself but i believe this is just what he is that is a good, generous and giving and kind human being , i am sure he must be doing many such generous things and supporting others also.

Customer:

 


 

Customer:

I have to admit, that he is many of the things you mentioned. But, it seems, since he is well aware of my emotional needs, and lack of intimacy that are things he is not willing to work on, that possibly this woman may something more to him than meets the eye.


 

Customer:

I don't know how to react or respond to these calls of hers, when I know that my husband is not willing to work with me on the things that are hurting me .


 

Dr. Kaushik :

well you see if that was the case then he would have been requiring her more often plus he is not the one who asks for the meeting is not it this the case?

Customer:

I don't know how to be, in this marriage. I don't feel like a wife, or a friend.


 

Dr. Kaushik :

well i agree that your emotional needs to be put at the highest priority by him , but i do not think he is not doing this because he is getting his own emotional needs fulfilled by this woman..

Customer:

I understand.


 

Dr. Kaushik :

I can see that you are distressed and feel robbed of having a more content emotional relationship with your husband and i empathize with you to say the least ,

Dr. Kaushik :

but having said that alleging him for having an emotional affair with another woman is not going to help your relationship , this is not going to make him guilty and get more involved with your emotionally if you think this can be done.

Customer:

Do you have any thoughts as to how I can try to work on this. I do know I get way to strung out when I try to talk about it with him. He is not a very easy one to talk to about these things.


 

Customer:

He prefers to act as if everything is fine,


 

Dr. Kaushik :

If you want to build a solid emotionanl bond with him then you got to seek a professional like a relationship expert who is unbiased in his judgement and giving his honest opinion about the relatio nship ans where it is lacking and how can it be made worthy for continuation in the future..

Dr. Kaushik :

And better thing would be to mkae him choose a relationship expert ..

Dr. Kaushik :

so that there is not an ounce of doubt in his mind that you chose someone who was bound to take your side

Dr. Kaushik :

and blame him for the emotional disconnect within your relationship..

Customer:

He is not willing to seek any help, I have asked, and i am starting to feel that I am the only one willing to do the work, and I am beginning to resent it


 

Dr. Kaushik :

I believe it is his personality to be like this .. more of a giver and introvert and guarded with his emotional sensibilities..

Customer:

and i of course am quite the opposite


 

Customer:

it just seems to keep rolling down hill, the more i talk, the further away he goes


 

Dr. Kaushik :

Perhaps he feels that being in touch with one's emotional side is too feminine for a man ..which i feel is a misconception that he holds from an early age..

Dr. Kaushik :

was he like this right from the beginning of marriage?

Customer:

I would have to say yes, but we were very sexually active, and we married very young, 22, and I believe I mistook the lust and sex, as love


 

Customer:

now, that i am older, and the emotional support is next to none, as well as the sex, or intimacy part, I feel abandoned


 

Customer:

i realize now, really that making love is the gift of love, not the other way around, and so I feel empty, because there is nothing between us


 

Dr. Kaushik :

i can understand your sense of resentment.. there is definite need for emotional sharing between the two of you..but this is a two way track , as you said it earlier quite correctly you cannot do this alone..

Dr. Kaushik :

do you think your relationship is beyond repair and you are beginning to fall out of love with him?

Customer:

I have been reading, and there are ways that I could work on myself, that may reflect back to him, but i am not sure what those things are, I am trying to look inside myself, to just take care of me, but it makes for a very lonely exisitance


 

Customer:

I am beginning to not care


 

Dr. Kaushik :

because of his cold and dis-interested approach from his side..

Customer:

and to be honest, i am not even sure if i love him


 

Dr. Kaushik :

well i do not think only you should do introspection, he is equally at loss if this marriage fails..

Dr. Kaushik :

i feel there are some answers which both of you have not been able to read and accept about your relationship..

Customer:

he stands to loose the most, i feel if we part, our children and grandchildren will be lost to him, i know him, and he will drop out of their lives


 

Dr. Kaushik :

Deep down inside , you both know what your relationship is going to be in the end, and that is why first he stopped caring and now you are doing this because of his cold attitude..

Customer:

 


 

Customer:

his love language is giving, and fixing, he never really was able to share feelings, thoughts easily, but again, because i at least had physical contact or intimacy, it was better.


 

Customer:

seems like i have some tough choices to make


 

Dr. Kaushik :

This is unfortunate indeed , but i am getting a feeling that you both have started to accept the consequences , because you see, you both need to try to work on your issues , only you working on it would not make the relationship any better..

Dr. Kaushik :

I agree tough indeed is the word as you have the right to think about yourself when he out there is behaving as if he does not need you..

Dr. Kaushik :

I think it is about time for you to test waters by asking him one final time to seek therapy to rekindle the relationship intimacy which if at all ever existed but asking him to promise that he shall take it upon himself to give his 100 % in this and do not consider it as a charity event because if this does not work out then the relationship will fall apart and he shall be the one at a major loss which he may defy and deny now but will feel it hurtfully when all is done and over and he has no one to talk to.

Dr. Kaushik :

Also give him an ultimatum of sorts that if he still chooses to ignore this then he should prepare himself for separation..

Customer:

but the funny thing is, i could ask anything of him, anything, but what i really need to survive in this marriage. I just don't get why he even stays, with me, he could be with that other woman, possibly he could learn to love someone again


 

Dr. Kaushik :

as by ignoring this he is trying to show his dissent to your genuine efforts for salvation of marriage..

Customer:

Yes, i know your right,


 

Customer:

it takes two


 

Customer:

good practice i guess for when i become one


 

Dr. Kaushik :

You see sometimes tough decisions are to be taken , such as this , may be this will shock him and wake him up from his prolonged sleep and compel him to make things better by working on the core issues ..

Customer:

37 years, I never thought it would come to this, i guess i need to start preparing myself for my future


 

Customer:

He says he loves me, but this love hurts to much


 

Dr. Kaushik :

and anyways if this does not , then his dissent and lack of interest will make it more resounding to you that he is not anymore interested in the marriage , which will be answer to all of your questions and shall prepafre you to take the next step , alone though . I am sorry that it has to be like this .. i am believer in happy endings and it breaks my heart each time when i have to tell people some honest things about their relationships fate but i will still like to think positively and will like to ask you to give this one last try and fo this one final time..

Customer:

I will consider all you have said. I don't have any thing left to loose.


 

Customer:

Thank you for your candor. I do appreciate and believe you were correct about him, concerning my first question, i could feel that answer in my gut as being correct.


 

Dr. Kaushik :

I wish you all the best and may God give you strength to fight this out and i pray that your husband actually surprises you by taking keen interest in re-establishing the declining intimacy and emotional connect between teh two of you.

Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4049
Experience: MD Psychiatry
Dr. Kaushik and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education