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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I have been married for 20 years and my husband left me for

Customer Question

I have been married for 20 years and my husband left me for a woman he met at work 10 years younger. He is 53. It was a complete shock and it has been 10 months of hell. I have 3 older teens who want nothing to do with him now. Yet they are hurting terribly and we try and make sense of what he has done but they just think he is an idiot. He also has a drinking problem that he says he's controlling while living with her. He went to live with her one month after her husband died. They worked closely at work together and he told me before he left me a few months earlier that they were just friends. I've asked him many times now to come back but he says he loves her and that this is what he's doing. Meanwhile he has admitted to still love me and that he misses me. I only want him back if he stops drinking and gives up the OW and the job. I love him and know we have a very strong bond. I have been giving him lots of space yet he never calls me or texts me because he says I take those as signs that he might come back and he doesn't want to hurt me but that he's sorry for everything he's done. Is this a classic midlife crisis? He has no money. Is in debt and isn't paying her much of anything to stay there.
Do you think we will ever be together as a loving couple again. I want him back and gave apologized for my faults in the relationship but he has not really. I had asked him to go to counseling but he said no it was to late for that. He says if he came back we would just be cohabitating and he could never love me line I would want to be loved. How does someone just stop loving someone just like that. We made passionate love go each other two days before he just up and left. I'm so hurt, rejected and totally confused.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear Madam,

I am so sorry to learn of your suffering at the hands of a man who has walked out on your and on his three children.

You could call this a mid-life crisis, but you also must call this the case of an unfaithful husband and father who has left his wife for a younger woman. Calling it mid-life crisis sounds like it is a disease or mental condition, but it is merely the act of a very selfish person who has thrown all caution to the wind and has done what he wanted to do, knowing full well the consequences.

He has clearly stated that he is finished with you as his wife and lover and could only return as some type of roommate, which is the last thing you want.

This was probably brewing for years. You mentioned your own part in letting this relationship fall apart over the years (you acknowledged your faults and errors), but he has not made the same conciliatory admissions.

It seems that this affair has been going on for quite some time, and now with her husband dead and out of the way, he has taken HER for his significant other and has dropped you. Of course he still has feelings for you, after many years and raising a family together.

However, it seems that his allegiance is to his own deepest desires, which means being with this woman despite all of the negatives involved.

He will not seek counseling, and he will not consider you or the children. He acts as if he has chosen his path.

This situation is even further complicated by his drinking, which may be a destructive addiction by now, and may be a sign of depression, which may be part of the reason for his break with you and the family.

There is not a great deal of hope, nor little you can do to change things. If he does not change from within himself then you might consider divorcing him. There is only so much time you can spend putting out heart-wrenching hope when you get nothing in return. If there is no change, then it is up to you to decide when enough is enough.

I wish you great strength and success in moving forward positively with your life and your family.


Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for the help. You and my bet friends feel the same. I really do wish that he would come back as a non drinker. I know that's a fantasy not reality. Thanks for the reality.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Dear Margo,

I wish, with you, that your fantasy could come true, but is it not likely, Today's pain will minimize, and as this door shuts, new ones will open, for which you will be grateful.

Thank you for accepting my answer with a high rating.


Warm regards,

Elliott

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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
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35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.