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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Quote from Dr. Phil "Everyone should have some financial freedom.

Customer Question

Quote from Dr. Phil
"Everyone should have some financial freedom. Whether $5 or $500, discretionary income is a must for any partnership. If you want to run it through a shredder, it ought to be your right to do so. Having your own money helps you feel like you haven't given yourself up in order to be part of a relationship."
So, when you do give yourself up (In this way and many other ways) to be part of a relationship, how do I get "myself" back? My self esteme is really shot because of my ex. He was very controlling and verbally abusive. It has been six years since we separated and I still hurt. He claims I was not a good partner to him (which is why we are not together now) The money I made contributed to the household, but he claims He earned His money and that I really should not be entitled to any of it (retirement/alimony). I feel as though he has not a clue about marriage being a partnership and he has little to no respect for women. Why does this still hurt me 6 yrs later??
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

You ex is a controlling person, possibly as narcissist. His method of control was to impoverish you and to demean you. He was very successful in his methods because you are still hurting after all of these years.

Narcissists do not feel any empathy for others, whatsoever, and will lie and abuse in any way they need to in order to maintain dominance. Your ex was emotionally abusive to you and it still hurts. His behavior has nothing to do with whom you are, but with his personality disorder. He cannot feel or care about others. Your pain means nothing to him. These people are called sociopaths and it is hard for us, who have feelings for others, to understand them.

You could help your self-esteem by getting some support from a therapist. If you want to find one, I recommend going to www.psychologytoday.com and then clicking FIND A THERAPIST, and then entering your state and city. You will then see a list of various therapists, their pictures, and their backgrounds and qualifications. You can get a good feel for whom you might be able to work with. Many of them allow a brief phone consultation as well. This is an option for you.

If you are more interested in using the wisdom of a professional via self-help, using a book, I highly recommend the following, available at www.amazon.com and elsewhere:

The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn R. Schiraldi


For further reading, I highly recommend this book that will unravel a lot of the mysteries of your difficulty life with this man, and will help bring you the closure that you need. It is probably the best book written on the subject. It is:

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor D. Payson


If you are collecting any money from him in alimony, make sure that you continue to do so. He is not doing you a favor. You are taking what you deserve.

I hope that I have helped. If you follow through with my recommendations you will gain great insight and learn how to get your self-esteem back.

I wish you courage, perseverance, and wisdom.


Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear Karen,

Thank you so much for accepting my answer and giving me a high rating. I wish you great success in moving on with your life. You will ! ! ! ! !


Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

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