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Ask Norman M. Your Own Question
Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2568
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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Im having a hard time reaching climax with my boyfriend. i

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Im having a hard time reaching climax with my boyfriend. i love him. trust him etc. in the past realtionships, i have been able to... but i feel so in love with him, i can't. whats my problem

NormanM :

Hello, I'm Norman. Are you ready to chat?


 

Customer:

hi


i'm tess


yes


i hope you can offer some advise or suggestions.


are you still there? or did we get disconnected???


 


 

Customer:

sorry i didn't hit reply i was just hitting enter

NormanM :

Hello Tess - still here though I think the system is playing up a bit


 

Customer:

no im jsut silly or slow... sorry

NormanM :

OK! Can you tell me - how old are you both?


 

Customer:

here is more history..

Customer:

i am 40. he is 43

Customer:

we have been together about a year

Customer:

before that i was in a sexless marriage. and then i have had many one night or two night partners

Customer:

with those partners, i have been able to climax. but i never loved them. and with him i feel so in love and so worried i'm dong somethign wrong i can't

Customer:

the sex is amazing. i enjoy it. i just can't climax and it makes him upset because he thinks he is inadequate.

NormanM :

I understand. Can you climax on your own?


 

Customer:

yes

NormanM :

Ok = so there's nothing wrong physically, then.


 

Customer:

when i was married i never climaxed during sex, it was always oral or with hands or vibrator.

Customer:

no

Customer:

its all mental

NormanM :

That leaves is with the psychological aspect. as we agree.


 

Customer:

and i dont know how to explain it to him. but i feel so connected to him. like ihaenlt with others

Customer:

and he thinks that it shoudl be easier since i feel so connected

NormanM :

If your partner stimulates you manually, or with a vibrotor, does that make any difference


 

Customer:

with boyfriend? we haven't tried a vibrator. he hasnt' really been able to. we can have sex and i can stim myself, but he said that isnt' the same as having an orgasm durnig sex.

Customer:

but as weird asit sounds i feel it is because i love him so much. the others i just let use me and do whatever. same with ex husband. this is so different. its all mental. and i'm not sure how to get past that before he has had enough and leaves me

NormanM :

There are a couple of issues here. He obviously, I think, stuck in the old fashioned male view, that the female 'should' have an orgasm during penetrative sex, and if she does not, it is his fault. He does not seem to understand that some women just don't work that way, and that for them clitoralstimulation works better. That's the first thing.


 

NormanM :

Secondly, I suspect that there is some anxiety within you that is contributing to the problem - I don't know what it is -but frankly, that does not matter.


 

Customer:

yes i agree. i think his ex wife use to orgasm everytime. and he can't seem to understand i say it feels amazing, it doesn't bother me i can't climax.

Customer:

i think it is that i love him so much and want it to be perfect. and i never cared about the other people like i do him. he said if ididn' tcare then i shouldn't have had orgasms with them

NormanM :

He is view is way out of order I'm afraid. There are a couple of things I'd like to check up on. Can you stay on line for five minutes while I do?


 

Customer:

check on about me?

NormanM :

No/. Check on a couple of therapy issues, Tess!

Customer:

ok i thought it was in regards XXXXX XXXXX issues. sorry

NormanM :

No. Is 5 minutes ok?


 

Customer:

sure i will try to stay awake.

NormanM :

Back asap!

NormanM :

Hi Tess. I'm going to suggest a two pronged approach to this problem. I suggest you try to find a therapist trained in Sensate Foucus technique, which would benefit both of you. Tbasic information abouth this approach is here


.

Customer:

ok

NormanM :

Secondly, we need to get your partner educated in to the reality that penetrative sex does not always produce a climax, and if it does not, it's not because of any fault of his


 

Customer:

yea ive tried saying that to him i guess i just ahve to keep trying

NormanM :

I'm getting a resource for you - hang on!


 

Customer:

ok


how can i get over this mental issue I have. why is it so easy for me with the men that treated me badly and so hard for the one that treats me like a princess?

NormanM :

Get him to read this paper here.

NormanM :

I frankly do not know the reason why. In all probability it is totally sub-conscious, but may become clearer as you work through this. At this stage, educating him is of primary importance so that he feels re-assured in his own masculinity and that his expectations arfe realistic


 

Customer:

ok. thanks for your advise. i will print out the paper and go from there. is there any books you would suggest for me to read regarding this?

NormanM :

Let check my list


 

NormanM :

I think you would find this one useful


 

Customer:

ok thanks for your help.


 


 

Norman M. and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you