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Hello, I'm Norman. Are you ready to chat?
i hope you can offer some advise or suggestions.
are you still there? or did we get disconnected???
sorry i didn't hit reply i was just hitting enter
Hello Tess - still here though I think the system is playing up a bit
no im jsut silly or slow... sorry
OK! Can you tell me - how old are you both?
here is more history..
i am 40. he is 43
we have been together about a year
before that i was in a sexless marriage. and then i have had many one night or two night partners
with those partners, i have been able to climax. but i never loved them. and with him i feel so in love and so worried i'm dong somethign wrong i can't
the sex is amazing. i enjoy it. i just can't climax and it makes him upset because he thinks he is inadequate.
I understand. Can you climax on your own?
Ok = so there's nothing wrong physically, then.
when i was married i never climaxed during sex, it was always oral or with hands or vibrator.
its all mental
That leaves is with the psychological aspect. as we agree.
and i dont know how to explain it to him. but i feel so connected to him. like ihaenlt with others
and he thinks that it shoudl be easier since i feel so connected
If your partner stimulates you manually, or with a vibrotor, does that make any difference
with boyfriend? we haven't tried a vibrator. he hasnt' really been able to. we can have sex and i can stim myself, but he said that isnt' the same as having an orgasm durnig sex.
but as weird asit sounds i feel it is because i love him so much. the others i just let use me and do whatever. same with ex husband. this is so different. its all mental. and i'm not sure how to get past that before he has had enough and leaves me
There are a couple of issues here. He obviously, I think, stuck in the old fashioned male view, that the female 'should' have an orgasm during penetrative sex, and if she does not, it is his fault. He does not seem to understand that some women just don't work that way, and that for them clitoralstimulation works better. That's the first thing.
Secondly, I suspect that there is some anxiety within you that is contributing to the problem - I don't know what it is -but frankly, that does not matter.
yes i agree. i think his ex wife use to orgasm everytime. and he can't seem to understand i say it feels amazing, it doesn't bother me i can't climax.
i think it is that i love him so much and want it to be perfect. and i never cared about the other people like i do him. he said if ididn' tcare then i shouldn't have had orgasms with them
He is view is way out of order I'm afraid. There are a couple of things I'd like to check up on. Can you stay on line for five minutes while I do?
check on about me?
No/. Check on a couple of therapy issues, Tess!
ok i thought it was in regards XXXXX XXXXX issues. sorry
No. Is 5 minutes ok?
sure i will try to stay awake.
Hi Tess. I'm going to suggest a two pronged approach to this problem. I suggest you try to find a therapist trained in Sensate Foucus technique, which would benefit both of you. Tbasic information abouth this approach is here
Secondly, we need to get your partner educated in to the reality that penetrative sex does not always produce a climax, and if it does not, it's not because of any fault of his
yea ive tried saying that to him i guess i just ahve to keep trying
I'm getting a resource for you - hang on!
how can i get over this mental issue I have. why is it so easy for me with the men that treated me badly and so hard for the one that treats me like a princess?
Get him to read this paper here.
I frankly do not know the reason why. In all probability it is totally sub-conscious, but may become clearer as you work through this. At this stage, educating him is of primary importance so that he feels re-assured in his own masculinity and that his expectations arfe realistic
ok. thanks for your advise. i will print out the paper and go from there. is there any books you would suggest for me to read regarding this?
Let check my list
I think you would find this one useful
The Better Sex Guide to Extraordinary Lovemaking Yvonne K Fulbright
ok thanks for your help.