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TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5770
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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After 6+ years of being in a loving relationship with my boyfriend,

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After 6+ years of being in a loving relationship with my boyfriend, I find out he was cheating on me for the final year. His excuses were for not just breaking it off were, "he didn't want to lose you" and "I was in love with 2 women". The final 6 months we tried to get back together, I found out he was still in contact with her. I washed my hands of him, never to trust him again. I think he has bipolar issues, and he is afraid of being alone. He is a sociopath and blames everyone but himself for his "bad luck". You get the picture. After not seeing his for a long time, he now wants me to forgive him! (With tears in his eyes!) His reasons are so that "I will feel better about him" and so that I can "heal". Frankly, I think he has a nerve asking me and his reasons are selfcentered. I think he wants to soothe his guillty conscience and he wants my "blessing" so that he can continue seeing her. My blessing is not what they need - they need her husbands blessing! Here is my answer: I will not forgive him. I don't need to forgive him. I've gotten on with my life.
What is your take on this? I think he up to his old tricks, just to feel better.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your boyfriend might have a personality disorder. Blaming others, cheating in a relationship and being self centered all point to someone who may be narcissistic or even anti social.

It is good that you got out of this relationship and have moved on. He did not seem willing to accept responsibility for his actions, especially cheating on you. And even though you gave him another chance, he still would not end the other relationship. That is a sign that he was putting his own needs first and not your needs or feelings. His request that you forgive him may be another way to try to manipulate you. So far, his behavior has shown that he sees everything from his own point of view and is not concerned with your feelings. Based on his past actions, you may assume that his asking for forgiveness is the same motivation.

It's not clear if he has Bipolar based on his behavior. Bipolar can cause erratic behavior. Here is a guide on Bipolar to help you:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm

Here is another site about personality disorders, which he may have based on what you have seen with him:

http://www.nmha.org/go/information/get-info/personality-disorders

It is very positive that you have decided to move on with your life. There is nothing to gain for you by letting him know you have forgiven him. You can do that on a personal level for yourself so you can let go of the past, but letting him be involved in that process only feeds whatever need he seems to have by getting you to do this for him. It is probably better for you and your peace of mind to cut off all contact with him so you can remove yourself from the toxic environment he creates.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

I wanted to thank you so much for the positive rating and your generous bonus! I really appreciate it. My best to you.

Kate

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