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psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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Does feeling remorse and trying to fix things make a person good?

People are often remorseful after hurting someone and it isn't always genuine. When this is superficial the remorse can be self serving and only used to get back in a relationship that is not working. Someone may appear sorry and really be only trying to gain the confidence of the partner who is pulling away. If someone is truly changed they will not continue to hurt you. The best way to know if someone has truly changed or genuinely sorry is for them not to repeat the same mistake. Then you know their feelings are genuine. A person who repeatedly hurts you will only do so again. This person is only in this situation for their own benefit. Feeling remorse is only good when he means it and acts accordingly. Remorse does indicate that he is a good man but he has to mean what he says and follow by actions that don't hurt you again and again. You should let him back in your life when you are confident that he will not hurt you. If a relationship is to be positive he has to be accountable and that means not hurting you because he can. Superficial remorse will allow him to do the same thing over and over. The decision should be made on whether you believe what he says and is prepared to change. Otherwise you will start the same cycle all over again. If he has had remorse in the past and continued to hurt you then that is what he will do. Decide on whether he has made good on his promises before. If not he is just talking to get what he wants!

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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thanks for answering. I am just wondering though-wouldn't a good person avoid hurting the other person if he knew that this was coming? Also isn't trying to fix things also for the benefit of the offender as he may be tortured by guilt?I mean trying to ease his conscience?

To be able to know if he will not hurt me again i have to let him back in. So i am risking again. So maybe i need to decide right now-a guy that hurt me a few times, the last time was really really bad but he did it anyways and now he is very remorseful and tries to fix things up. It is a tough one as the hurt was not just once.

Yes a good person would avoid that. That is another clue to his true personality. A nice person would not hurt their partner time and time again. Conscience is key in resolving guilt or shame. He should try to fix things but not for his own benefit. He should do this simply for the benefit of others. You are risking your own well being by letting him back in. Your decision may be based on his past history with you. Actions always speak louder than words. If the hurt wasn't just once and he hurt you badly then you may have to accept that this pattern will continue. You have to be aware of your own needs and focus on if they will be met.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

thanks again. I want to ask something more before we finish. How does one know the true character of another person? I mean sometimes people are good and sometimes are bad? people behave different under different circumstances? is there some way we can know the true character? this man would hurt and then be wonderful-same thing happened a few times. I know i had faults in this relationship but lines were crossed and i was deeply wounded. But now he is wonderful! So how does one ever know?

You don't know. You have to develop this around their actions. Everyone is good and bad but they shouldn't hurt you over and over and they shouldn't function by being self centered regardless of the circumstances. No one knows a person except what they believe to be true. He may be wonderful because he wants you back but the true test comes over time. Being wonderful can end when one gets what they want. You have to use your own best judgment.

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