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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5457
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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someone ha done something wrong to me in order to benefit himself.

Resolved Question:

someone ha done something wrong to me in order to benefit himself. How do view this as a simple act and move on. 1- How do i remove the anger and deppression from my head and relieve my emotions. 2- how do respond? do just forget and let him continue.

He did make an honest mis judgement by assuming the worst of me. but it affected my work arrangement. he is jelous of me working in his territory and produces this outcome often.
I did clarify my actions with positive results, but it bogs me down a great deal each time that someone does it. it happens in many areas of my life. maybe i cant do much to change that, but i need to keep my head clear
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

Being taken advantage of and used by someone else to make them look better to others can hurt, a lot. It is the message that this sends to you that is the painful part. It triggers feelings of being inferior and being devalued. It can also bring out your own feelings of insecurity and make them a focus.

It sounds like you did what you could to set the record straight which is a good step to take. By doing that, you can gain back some control over the situation. Sitting back and accepting it makes it worse, basically making you feel you are agreeing with what they did. So whatever you can do to set the record straight (without doing what he did or something similar) helps. Whatever you do, act with kindness and confidence. It makes others more sure about what your intentions are and they will trust you more if you take a mature approach rather than a vindictive one.

Also, it may help to see the person that did this as they really are. You mentioned that they are jealous. Anyone who is jealous is insecure. People do not need to "show up" someone else or make someone else look bad unless they think so little of themselves that they have to take advantage of others so they can feel better about themselves. So it is likely that this person feels so bad about themselves that they felt hurting you was the only way to make themselves feel better. But keep in mind, the effect is only temporary. So this person, as long as they do not address their own issues, will keep feeling low about who they are, especially compared to you.

It can help to take out your feelings in constructive ways. Exercise, being with people like family and friends and other activities you enjoy can build your self confidence and overcome the feelings from this incident. Building yourself back up can help a lot. Focus on increasing your self esteem while understanding that the people you are dealing with have very little self worth can prevent you from being hurt by people who want to hurt you.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5457
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

can you suggest a few ways of improving my self esteem?

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Self esteem issues can originate in many ways. But the most common ways are past abuse or neglect either by parents, caregivers or other significant others in your life as a child. Or you may develop low self esteem if you suffer through a trauma or significant issue such as a job loss or divorce. Not getting your needs met as a child is a common reason behind negative thoughts and low self esteem. Children learn that they receive validation through their relationship with their parents or caregiver. But if that relationship is affected by poor parenting or absence of a parent, the child will have trouble getting those emotional needs met. And as children do, they look to themselves as the reason why their needs were not met, usually feeling they are somehow defective.

By identifying the source of your low self esteem, you can pinpoint how to combat it. Trying therapy, including techniques like Cognitive Behavioral therapy and educating yourself about your issues are very good ways to address how you feel. Educating yourself is one of the best ways to work through a problem like low self esteem.

You may also want to consider therapy. By talking to someone about how you feel, you can increase the chances of addressing your issues. This is because a therapist can offer insight that you may not be able to see for yourself. And sometimes just the act of talking out how you feel can alleviate some of the burden and make your thoughts clearer and easier to understand.

To find a therapist, try asking your doctor for a referral.

Changing your thinking patterns also can help. Start writing down how you think about who you are. What kinds of thoughts do you have about yourself and why? Then change any negative thoughts by practicing saying "stop, that is not true" and replacing the thought with something more positive. You may also find that most of your negative thoughts are not based in fact but are formed from past messages you got from others. Try writing down all of your good and positive traits. And focus on those when you feel down or bad about who you are.

You can also read more about self esteem issues to help you learn ways to address how you feel through self help, which is also very effective. Here are some resources to help:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/self-esteem-struggles-and-strategies-that-can-help/

http://www.newharbinger.com/PsychSolve/SelfEsteem/tabid/159/Default.aspx

Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning

The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn R. Schiraldi

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem: The Proven Action-Oriented Approach to Greater Self-Respect and Self-Confidence by Nathaniel Branden

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5457
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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