Good morning, Kate.
P is the one who wants to move, but she does want me to go to. And I am fine with that. Although I have some trouble getting alone time, it makes a big difference having someone to share duties with and especially with the dogs. It would be complicated otherwise, too. Her brother is moving to a really cool community north of Albuquerque, and I really like the small-town feel, and the fact that the houses aren't right next to each other and there are some awesome houses. It would make it a longer trip to work (we literally live only 6 min away from the office), but only about a 1/2 hour, & I'm okay with that. My main thing is staying at the same church. We've just starte considering a move this past weekend, so who knows whether we will do it. Also depends on how much our present house is worth. We both are on the title and it is paid off. The houses were looking at are more expensive, but it would be a pretty small mortgage. But I do t want to do it unless we find the perfect place. We will see.
The panel trustee job is administering bk cases. These positions never come up. It will help when I apply for judge next time. I spoke to 2 of the 4 existing trustees yesterday, & they seem to think I would enjoy it and would be a good fit. I don't know who applied or is being interviewed, though. we will see.
I didn't really take a break from therapy - a short one b/c Linda was out of town, and had had some spare aptmts for the same reason. I had a bad few weeks several weeks ago. Cried all the time and could not get control of it sometimes. Even left work early a few days. Would just go home and cry. I have better control now. I haven't been to church much lately, but forced myself to go the past 2 Sundays. I can't stand to be around thataby people.
I was so confused for a while, b/c l was told expressing my feelings was good, but then I got really upset in therapy a few times, and then Linda seemed to want to keep me from getting upset in session. She said it was because I was slipping into the guilt/shame feelings and beating myself up & when I did
, she couldn't get through to me and I didn't even hear her, and was not rational, and it was not good for me. Then she came up with the conclusion, by looking back through all her notes and things I have written, that I was obsessive. It makes sense, as she explained it, but the compulsive things in the books do not seem to apply much at all. She agrees that I don't have OCD, but says the tools are the same to work with it. I don't know what I think. I had an appointment yesterday. And had even told her ahead of time I needed to just talk and get some stuff out, because I wa nearing that " exploding" feeling again, and had been close for a week. But we got nowhere. It was a waste, I felt, and I left more upset than when I had came, but not because we addressed anything. I am frustrated.
Plus, it seems that the past 2 sundays' sermons and all sorts of thing I read, and something Linda gave me to read yesterday, all are about how we deal with bad things, focusing on the good, etc. Fine. I get it - I need to be positive. But I'm not and I can't (or won't) make myself. Those things make me feel worse. I guess the message is that I'm making myself miserable. Fine. So be it. I don't care. I don't web feel like praying at all anymore. So I don't.
I feel like I'm stuck going to Seattle today. Otherwise, it will really hurt P's feelings and cause a problem. I've been telling her for weeks that this is really a time problem for me, but I don't think she gets it. She has apologized for the scheduling, but she didn't make the arrangements. They just don't understand how stressful this is for me. P thinks it will be relaxing for me to get away. It just will make things worse being around 3-4 other people constantly. But my not going, especially at this point, will upset her and tasks Her think I am mad @ her. So I feel I have to go. I'm so tired of doing things I don't want to do. That being said, maybe it will turn out to be good. I don't know. Because the thought of staying here $ having to deal with other people is not so attractive, either.
I so flipping tired and really irritable. I feel like its a catch-22. I either have to act like all is fine or people bug me trying to find out what's wrong or make me feel better. I'm to the point where people's breathing is even irritating me. I thought I was going to explode yesterday b/c Jamie kept sniffling. I wanted to scream. She started telling me about some of the employees of the other firm getting into a huge argument yesterday and I snappe at her - I don't care. Why does she feel the need to even tell me? I don't want drama or to hear about it. Ugh.
So that is what is going on. I feel like just - I'm not sure. I resent goin to Linda, and I resent that dr m keeps making me come back each month. I have to go - otherwise I can't get my adderall refills, which would make things worse for me. But she barely discusses meds. He asks how I am and then states at me and doesn't believe me. She doesn't say much, but expects me to talk. I can't even look at her.
I've just had it, I guess. I've never thought so much about dying. I'm not suicidal. Just thinking about how easy it would be, but it would have to seem an accident. I'm not considering it. Just think it would be easier. But, of course, I would never tell anyone here about that.
But, as I said, Debra has been as supportive as possible, and her friend in Va that went through a similar thing is good to talk to, because she seems to understand everything I feel. But I don't talk with her a whole lot.
So I'm sure you didn't want THAT much info. :).