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KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 566
Experience:  17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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I have been married for almost a year and my wife and I did

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I have been married for almost a year and my wife and I did not have sex before engagement. Lately, I have been having a difficult time getting an erection for sex. This has not happened with any other partner. This is also causing a ton of relationship stress because we both want sex. What can I do to help alleviate the situation?

Some side notes, I am in very good physical condition so this is not a medical issue.
By good physical condition do you mean you workout regularly or that you've had a physical and everything was good? If you haven't had a check up, then you need one. There are some physical problems that cause difficulty with erections that are not always apparent. If there is no physical cause, perhaps there is some performance anxiety, meaning the more you focus on it the worse it gets. It can help to use fantasies to overcome this. Instead of focusing on fear of not having an erection, fantasize about sexual situations and picture yourself having one. If you need to self stimulate, talk to your wife about it being okay for both of you to do that during sex.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Yes to both fronts on my physical condition. I work out twice daily (cardio and weights) and I just had my yearly and everything was good. I've tried fantasizing, however, it feels forced at times.


Would outside factors such as my job and the fact that I don't speak to my family anymore effect this?


Also, what are some better ways that I could fantasize? Would it be best to do this right before sex or progressively during the day?

Certainly stresses effect sexuality. If you're having some conflicted emotions related to your wife it could also be a factor. Examples of this would be if you feel it's your wife's fault you don't see your family or that you're stuck in a stressful job.

I would think fantasy would me most effective just before you approach your wife to have sex, but truly, everyone is different. You can try it at different times and see what works for you.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I've also talked to her on the lack of foreplay for me, how can I better broach this subject because I'm afraid to ask.

I think the place to start is by encouraging her to stimulate herself during foreplay. If she'll go along with that she'll likely be more open to you doing the same. Perhaps if you try some sex toys, it will help. There is also a book that's been around for a long time called the Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort. It's now available free on the Internet. It has lots of things that bring different ideas into a relationship.
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