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Alicia_MSW
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 792
Experience:  Specializing in mental health counseling
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My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 6 months and

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My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 6 months and have been sexually active for about 4 months. We are in love with each other but since day 1 our sex has sucked. She hasn't had an orgasm and when we are having sex, we both know there's something missing. We had a rough week together and this topic finally hit a head. I love her and she loves me, but we are worried if we will/can ever connect sexually. If this was a usual occurence, I could pinpoint something, but it isn't so we are both afraid. What can we do?

Alicia_MSW :

Hi there, I'm Alicia. I'm happy to help you today. I'm not clear if she's never had an orgasm with you, or do you mean that this is just happening lately? And do you know if this has always been the case with her, i.e. with other partners, or just with you?

Customer:

She has not had an orgasm with me. She has had them with other partners


 

Customer:

i don't know why my name saysCustomer..that's not my name but oh well


 

Alicia_MSW :

When you talk about it, what does she say she thinks the problem is? What do you think it is? It sounds like you have a lot of stress at the moment - is that typically the case or just this week?


 

Alicia_MSW :

One more question, you say you're in love with each other, which is obviously a good thing. But aside from this problem, are there any other relationship issues you've been dealing with?


 

Alicia_MSW :

It goes without saying that it's a frustrating problem, of course. One thing I'd point out right off the bat is that many couples who experience problems like this (and it usually is the woman who experiences the problem with not having an orgasm, although it does happen to men too, believe it or not) focus too much on the actual climax. So mentally speaking, when you're both in bed together, because this problem has happened in the past, you both might be thinking about it too much during intercourse for it to actually happen. There could be too much anxiety or pressure, if you follow what I mean.

Customer:

She just says she's not getting into it enought...i'm not sure what it is. with some others in past it's like hop in bed, get it in really good and go. Our problem is we've never had it great together. Right now, we are dealing with some issues, but the sex thing came up yesterday again and we don't know if we can get through it. I'm willing to try anything. It's a pretty hard thing to swallow, I feel like i can't satisfy her or something. It's particularly tough cause I'm successful, professional athlete, etc...but just don't know what to do about my gf


 

Customer:

i follow you


 

Alicia_MSW :

I completely understand. Just so you know, it really is a lot more of a common problem than you might think. It's one I hear a lot here, if that helps at all. I have a few ideas about what might be happening so just bear with me.

Customer:

ok thanks


 

Alicia_MSW :

The first is obviously the anxiety issue. If she didn't have an orgasm the first time you had sex, that set the tone for every interaction you had afterwards. So you both didn't really get a fair chance because of the very first time. Not either of your faults, but it's hard to try again if you start out feeling defeated. That isn't something that's easy to deal with - you could try seeing a sex therapist (not many people are too keen on this idea, however) who could try to work with you to overcome this issue. You could also try on your own to take the pressure off, but that's really, really hard. A lot of times I suggest to couples that they just try to enjoy each other and let go of the idea that you both have to have an orgasm. Just get into bed and play without feeling like it HAS to happen. But that's also hard. Some more ideas...

Alicia_MSW :

It could be a physical problem. Some women suffer from a condition called anorgasmia. I know you say she's had orgasms with other partners, but it could be due to an undiagnosed medical condition or another physical problem that this has just started now. Anorgasmia is basically a condition that many women suffer from - and it means you can't have an orgasm. It's treatable, but part of finding the right treatment involves finding the right cause.

Alicia_MSW :

It's a bit detailed, so I will give you a link from the Mayo Clinic: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/anorgasmia/DS01051/DSECTION=causes

Alicia_MSW :

It discusses all of the possible causes (from a medical and psychological standpoint) that this could be happening. And there's also a link on the sidebar of that website that discusses treatments (here's the direct link) http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/anorgasmia/DS01051/DSECTION=treatments-and-drugs

Alicia_MSW :

You'll also see on that page there's a link to alternative medicine. Some people use alternative treatments, like Zestra, a type of stimulating oil, to increase circulation to the area and increase the chances of having an orgasm.

Alicia_MSW :

It's a bit difficult to figure out if everything else in your relationship is basically going fine. If it is anorgasmia, she'd need to see a medical doctor to rule out any potential physical causes. You're taking the right steps, and it's good that you're discussing it openly with her. Keep in mind that sometimes, too much discussion can also kill the mood, so you don't want to over-talk it either. She might need some more active foreplay (not all women do, but everyone is different), trying different positions, maybe trying to have a more romantic (or playful) mood beforehand - using sex toys helps some women - it takes a bit of experimentation to see what works. But it also sounds like you're both willing to try different things to get it to work.

Alicia_MSW :

My last thought is that you say you're dealing with some issues, so the sex thing could just be adding to your stress levels. You might want to try to just take the pressure off completely and do something fun together without any expectations. So much of sex involves a mental component, and if you're not in the right mindset (especially for women) it can be virtually impossible to have an orgasm.

Alicia_MSW :

Let me know if you have any more questions or if you want to chat some more.

Customer:

thanks...i want to explain something


 

Alicia_MSW :

Sure thing.


 

Customer:

i think what you said about our first time...we were getting very close, which is something that i haven't had in a long time, where i actually was falling for someone. When we did do it the first time, i wasn't expecting it and it was very awkward. It made for a very weird night and the sex part suffered but we continued to grow as a couple with i believe both of us hoping the sex part would take care of itself


 

Alicia_MSW :

I know what you are saying. It's almost heart-breaking that the two of you are dealing with this right now, because I do get the impression that you have a very strong relationship otherwise. It makes sense though, but part of dealing with this problem is trying to put the past behind you, mentally speaking - both of you. Try to start over (in the sex department) and wipe the slate clean. Talk to her about this and perhaps suggest that she see her doctor, just to be on the safe side that it's not a physical problem. I think if you're both willing to try some of these suggestions, you can get things on the right track.

Alicia_MSW :

My gut feeling is that it's not a physical problem, but I can't say that for sure. I think a lot of it has to do with what you've said about the first time, and then the pressure and anxiety just built up so much that it just became hard for you to both truly mentally let go.

Alicia_MSW :

Do you have any other questions?

Customer:

She's said she was just waiting for it to happen...she's on phone and I told her what I was doing.

Alicia_MSW :

I know. It's easy to kind of just hope it will happen, and it's a common reason why couples experience stress over this issue. I think taking a more active approach could benefit you both at this point.

Customer:

Thanks for your time...is there such a thing as just not "sexually compatible"? And is it irreversible?


 

Alicia_MSW :

Well, I don't totally believe it to be honest with you.

Alicia_MSW :

You love each other - and the most important part of sex is love and emotional compatibility.

Alicia_MSW :

And you both obviously have that. I think it's just because of the way things were set up. I wouldn't give up on things - just try a different approach and see what happens.

Customer:

Thanks again...i feel a little better about where we can go from here


 

Alicia_MSW :

I wish you lots of luck. And I hope things work out, but I have a feeling they will. You can always come back to this chat in the future if you want to talk some more.

Alicia_MSW :

And if you wouldn't mind rating my answer, I'd appreciate it. Hope you have a great weekend.

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