husband had an affair 1.5 yrs faked a marriage with her, says he used her for her money,he intro her to all his family and friends, lied about me and our kids-we have been together and married for 8yrs, she is now pregnant he wants her to abort and she wont. he says he needs a separation from me to think things through says to give him 3wks to resolve things, wants me back but wont call her infront of me to put her in her place and to make sure he is not lying but he says there is no need and refuses to do it. wont leave me alone comes here everyday begging for another chance says he wants to be with us but says he is scared to come back because i nag and will be controlling and will not trust what he says so he doesnt want to come back here to have to leave again then he says we need to give time for our feelings to be reawoken agai. i feel he loves her and wants to keep communication lines open with her and thats why he wont come here and wont call or confront her in front of me. what do u think?
This is a man who is totally unreasonable, cruel and shows little remorse. I am very concerned that he is making any sort of demands from anyone at this point. He has been unfaithful, fathered a child with another woman; and appears to not care who he hurts. And, then...he sets limits on what he will do for you??
This man is an abuser. He is not ready to change and shows it with his behavior. His words, although apologetic, are not in line with what a remorseful man would express.
Although simply said: Until he shows by actions that he respects the limits you have set and is truly willing to deal with his lies and deceit, there cannot be a relationship. That is more blunt than I would like it to come out as you have been so hurt, but I feel for your emotional health that this man is far too risky for you, at least until he shows real change.
My advice: Set limits on him and require him to get into counseling. Steven
do you think i should insist on him confronting her in front of me? will this make a difference? we have 3 small children. he comes from a houshold where dad cheated and fathered 2 children outside marriage. no emotions or communications in that family. will a separation do us any good or will it harm us further?
Separation teaches people to live apart and most do not recommend it. But: here, with this totally not remorseful man (in behaviors) a distancing may be needed...if even just to show that you will not accept being treated with such terrible disrespect.
As far as confronting her in front of you: This often sounds like a good idea, but usually it is not as this is a highly volatile situation and it can get very bad, very quickly. You have been hurt enough. He needs to be a responsible man, make the choices he needs, show evidence in some way that he is going to deal with the mess he created...He needs to deal with this woman, not you.
As for you: I feel that most people in situations like this, because of the severe nature of what he did, may wish to consider alternative living arrangements for him...at least until he can show real action and remorse. Until then, he is harmful to you emotionally and I do not see that being around him would lower this risk in any way. Steven
pyscologically what is he thinking? does he love her and me? i didnt give him love affection sex etc. for a long time because i didnt trust him and he refused to leave so he went on to have this affair. i dont uderstand why he insisit on being with me if he doesnt love me. he gave this woman attention affection all the things he never gave me in 8 yrs so why does he want to be with me when i offered him nothing? he says he has feelings for me but then he wont confront this chick not even over the phone with me as if protecting her. so why does he want a break from us for 3wks for fix things and come back here a renewed man according to him? why if he has shown more feeling toward her than me? I am young and very attractive and you will never tell I have 3 kids. she on the other hand is short ugly and desperate for attention. everyone has told him that they dont understand why he cheated if he has someone like me at home. so is he passive aggressive (he has some issues with his mom) a narcisist? I mean throught out our relationship he has been afraid that I would someday leave him but his actions are what have pushed me away. he says he can never be with anyone that is not me but then look what he does. He is not an attractive man, not educated, i went to college and am very indepedent. I have always told him that I dont need him and that if he ever did this to me I would leave with the kids *(which is what i am trying to do now). But he continues to look for me and asked for a separation but comes to my house every day and if i dont answer the phone will show up at 2am to see why i am not answering his call. He is aware that I am seeing someone so i dont know if this is the reason why he is seeking me. because surely doesnt seem he loves me and then asking her to abort the child shows he doent really love her either. so confused.
This is indeed very confusing, which is why you need some face to face support. He is a mix of very odd tendencies and even from a psychological standpoint, much of his current behavior is odd. So, to deal with this, best practices are in order. Here are a few:
Do not blame yourself for his actions. Not having sex is not an excuse to cheat. He could easily have worked any feelings or issues out in therapy with you or in a dozen other ways. He is to blame here, not you.
Sometimes men want both situations; two women or families. They may find it exciting, dangerous, enhancing.
He obviously gets something from being with you and the feelings like he is now showing, this double minded thing, may be confusing...but for many males who wonder outside of marriage the reasons are unfinished issues with their families of origin.
I have no doubt that he is an angry, terrified and scared man who was controlled by a parent, probably mom, and never dealt with it. As a result he is destructive, yet begs forgiveness. He is acting like an angry young boy/teen in all truth, and the issues probably go back that far in his history.
He will chase you. You are the strong one in his eyes; he the weaker one. He needs you, his parental (mother really) figure to tell him he is okay. But he is not. He can get better, but he needs to step it up and show it through actions. You cannot save him and should not. Right now he has no rights in this relationship. He ruined that. Now, you set the tone and the actions. And, until you see reason to not be protective of yourself, do so...And try not to see this in any way as you. It is him, and his unresolved issues from the past that are being taken out on you. Protect you and your family. Let him act and show you through behavior that he is different and accept no excuses for lack of action.
Thank you for letting me help you today. If i have helped at all, please rate me positively. Steven