We become very anxious when we know that we have to spend time with her. She allows him to invite us to dinner and, if we are unable to make it, she uses that against him as proof that his family doesn't like her or doesn't care about him. Is there a way to cope with her in social situations so that she gets the message that we are onto her abusive ways without exposing brother-in-law to punishment? By the way, she is the one who calls off the wedding and she recently kicked him out of the house and he had to stay at a hotel. She told him that he should "blow his head off" or "slit his wrists" because he is worthless. We are very afraid that they will try to have children after they are married and that the child will become the leverage that she uses to continue the abuse.
Unfortunately, there is only so much you can do with someone with someone who behaves in such a way. It sounds like she might have a personality disorder and if she does, she will only use any attempt you make at letting her know you are on to her as a way to hurt you or your brother in law. In dealing with someone with a personality disorder, it is always important to set boundaries. You have to protect yourself. And the more you understand about her, the better you will be able to help yourself and your brother in law. Here are some resources to help you:http://www.nmha.org/go/information/get-info/personality-disorders http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Impossible-People Kate
She has chosen to communicate with me regarding complaints that she has about my brother-in-law and their relationship. She seems to want me to side with her. I try to offer her comfort during our calls and tell her to calm down, eat something, take a warm shower, that this time will pass and that she has to get some rest so that she doesn't make herself sick. I stay on the phone with her because it makes us feel better to know where she is when they are fighting because at least we know that she is not physically harming or stalking him. After they make up, she doesn't call me. Am I doing the right thing by being available to her? We feel like we are hostages in this situation as well. Also, they are taking a precana class at their parish and scored very low on the compatibility quiz. They are in premarital counselling at the recommendation of the deacon. Should we contact the deacon to let him know what is going on?
It is ok that you talk with her and try to maintain open communication with her. That is probably the only way to ensure that you will have some contact with any kids they may have. But your involvement should not go further than that. Calling the Deacon could backfire and you may end up cut off if she ever finds out. Yes, it is like being held hostage unfortunately. But until your brother in law sees his way out of this situation, you will need to play along so you can have some influence and offer support to the future children and to your brother in law.
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