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TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5776
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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"What do I do to take the first step for my relationship with

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"What do I do to take the first step for my relationship with this man?"
Hi Kate,
A while ago, I asked you a question about a man who I met on the Internet and that I loved him for years but he never loved me back. And you advised me to keep him as a friend and try to look for another man for a romantic relationship. I initially thought that it would be damn impossible, but guess what, now there's this man whom I'm interested in right now. We work at the same place. But we only greet each other and nothing more. I felt attracted to him when I first saw him, the way he dealt with things. He seems intelligent and he often reads papers during breaks. But he socializes as much as other people. I like his smiles. I'd like to know more about him. But I just don't know how to approach him.
One thing that's good about this is that I've realized that there're many other ways than words to communicate with people. With only Internet, you miss out on alot in terms of real human communication. I feel really good feeling attracted to this new man, at least I can meet him three days per week, even if we don't talk to each other, I can see his smiles, hear his voice, feel his existance. But these things are too intense for me, especially because I like him and this is my first time in 17 years to fall in love with a male in real life.
One more thing that's good about this is that I no longer feel the deep sadness and pain I used to feel when I loved the guy on the Internet. I now can say that love shouldn't hurt so much; love feels good.
So okay now I don't know if he's even slightly interested in me, but I want to talk to him. But how? About what?
Sounds like a teenager's question, I know.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Relist: Other.
If an expert is offline for a long period of time we customers need to know why they are offline so that we can decide whether to wait or not for the expert to come back.

Hello. Are you still interested in having me answer your question or would you prefer I opted out? I noticed you relisted so I wanted to check to be sure.

Let me know,

Kate

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Yes I would still like you to answer my question. Sorry I wasn't sure if you'd come back soon so I was a bit indicisive.

Ok, I will work on your question and have an answer for you in just a bit.

Kate

Customer: replied 4 years ago.


Thank you.

I am glad to hear that you have found someone you feel good about. And that he is someone you can talk with face to face. You are right, it makes a lot of difference to be able to see how they express themselves and get instant feedback from them when you talk with them.

The best way to approach him is to go slowly. See you can make contact first by just getting noticed by him. If you see him around, make a point to say hello. Make eye contact briefly and smile. Just a normal every day smile, nothing to overt.

If that goes well, then try conversation. Ask him general questions like what department do you work in or how do you like the new project? General things like that. If you stick to conversation that you would have with anyone at work, it gives you a chance to gauge how he reacts to you. He may be interested in talking or he may not. That will tell you if you should proceed.

If all goes well, then start finding things you have in common and bring them up. For example, "I noticed you like this type of music". Something that the two of you can talk about at length.

Once you can talk about personal likes and dislikes, it is highly likely that he enjoys your company and that you can risk asking if he'd like to get a coffee together outside of work. Once you get to that point, you may assume that you have the beginnings of a relationship.

I hope it goes well for you!

Kate
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

if I had a conversation with him about general stuff, and if he didn't seem interested in talking, shouldn't I go further? What should i do next in this case?

You may want to go back to just saying hi and smiling when you see him. Give it some time then try again. You can also get to know those who are closer to him and maybe try to get to know him through his friends. But if he still is not interested, then it might be better to keep it friendly and let it go for now. You never know if later on he might change his mind.

Kate

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