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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  PsyD, LPC, CHt
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Is it poor parenting to NOT follow the rule that if something

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Is it poor parenting to NOT follow the rule that if something is right today, make sure that it is also right tomorrow, and if something is wrong today, make sure it is also wrong tomorrow, because then otherwise the child can get confused and think in his/her mind "make up your mind?" Thank you for your assistance.

Dr. Rossi :

Hi,


 


 

Dr. Rossi :

If you are asking whether or not consistency is important when parenting- yes- absolutely!


 

Customer:

Hello.Yes, that is what I am asking.

Dr. Rossi :

The child depending on age, initially gathers facts about the world and how to behave based on what the adults in his life expect of him, model to him and teach him.


 

Dr. Rossi :

This shapes the childs behavior.

Dr. Rossi :

Rewards, encouraging words, and explaining to a child why something is the way it is, helps him get a sense of belonging.


 

Dr. Rossi :

As a result, the child's self esteem, self efficacy and disposition towards others and challenges can correspond to the events he is dealing with.


 

Dr. Rossi :

As a care giver, it is important to stay consistent both in parenting and in disciplining. You are correct- otherwise the child would get confused.

Dr. Rossi :

Both parents or caregivers have to be on the same page when parenting/disciplining.

Dr. Rossi :

Based on how each adult behaves, the child would get an idea of what is expected and what is good versus undesirable behavior.

Dr. Rossi :

Do you have some examples of situations?

Customer:

Like insisting that a son go to college and study instead of work as a dockworker after high school, but then complaining about the fact that college costs money and not wanting to lift a finger to help the son when he has trouble with his studies. And the mother encouraging Christianity, and then doesn't want her son to preach The Gospel and God's Word, and then when a preacher on TV talks about the importance of preaching The Gospel and God's Word, his mom now switches to the opposite.

Dr. Rossi :

Yes, these can be quite confusing. Behaviors ought to match the belief/expectation in order to make sense.

Dr. Rossi :

Otherwise, the child/individual learns that- despite what is right, I can do the opposite because others do and get away with it.

Customer:

I neglected to add that right in the middle of the college semester, now the parents talk about working, which is what the son wanted to do in the first place.

Dr. Rossi :

That shows that the parents are not consistent in their expectations of him. If they had changed their mind about this, they should at least explain why this had happened.


 

Dr. Rossi :

Or, offer some options such as - try to work PT or find a work study program through college.

Dr. Rossi :

Some colleges offer a work study program where the student works few hours a week and gets paid. Usually the work is done on campus for the college i.e at their library, lunch room, etc.

Dr. Rossi :

If he wants to study, he has the right to do so. Work will always be there for him.

Dr. Rossi :

If he goes to work and leaves college because they told him to do so, he may resent them for it.

Dr. Rossi :

They could help him find a medium solution rather than him giving one thing up to do another thing. If they have good solving problem skills, as parents they can offer that to him.

Dr. Rossi :

It seems that their expectations of him are not totally clear. One moment one thing is expected and in the next another.

Dr. Rossi and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.


Actually, do you know what I believe the root problem is? I believe the son believes in working in a job that is 8 hours a day and 40 hours per week, and nothing more, because he wants to have balance in his life. And he sees dockworking as honest work, a job, and they pay taxes. What's wrong with that? His parents on the other hand are proud perfectionists, and they believe in the myth and misconception that even if a person works in a job that is 8 hours a day and 40 hours a week, if one doesn't go to college and reach for the skies, that person is lazy. And the son finds this criticism unjust. The son also finds it disturbing that the mother says dockworkers are low class because she claims to be a Christian, and the son thinks in his mind "Would Jesus Christ ever have spoken like this?" And he responds in his mind "I don't think so."

There is nothing wrong in pursuing what makes him happy. Parents should recognize this and be supportive. After all, he is not hurting anyone and knows his wants and needs. Christians ought to remember to "judge not."
Customer: replied 4 years ago.


I also neglected to mention that he still went to college and try to make the best of it so as to obey his father, but then what I explained above and previously is what happened next.

By obeying his father, he was not true to himself. If he does what he wants despite their criticism, he is living genuinely.

Unfortunately, his parents don't seem to approve of it. He has to realize that in life, he can't please everyone. There will always be someone who'd find a problem with something he does.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you for your assistance.

You welcome!

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