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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5804
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hello, I am a 27 y.o. female. I am a hardworking person,

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I am a 27 y.o. female. I am a hardworking person, at this stage successful in my career.
What bothers me is that, outside my work, I am very childish in relationships with people and lack self confidence. I fear conflict situations as I am unable to handle and resolve them in a rational manner - I isolate myself from people and blame myself for all problems. Also, I have a fear of men and have never been in a relationship.

Could you please advise how to overcome these problems?
Many thanks in advance.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like you may have a self confidence issue. It is common for people to feel confident about who they are at work because that is the area of their life they feel they understand the best. The rules are clear cut, the boundaries and the focus is all known. But outside of work, all of those things are an unknown.

If you have had any issues in the past like abuse either emotional, physical or sexual, it could affect you as an adult and also explain your feelings about being in a relationship with a man. Also, if you have ever experienced a trauma or loss, that can affect your ability to relate to others as well.

You may also want to consider that outside of work, you relate to others as you related in your family as a child. People are often set in roles and their expressions of themselves mimic their roles in their family. So if you were in a family where decisions were made for you or you were taught to question your own judgments, then you may carry that with you even as an adult and relate to the world in that way.

It may help you to consider therapy. Talking to a therapist can help you to uncover the reasons why you feel as you do in your relationships, about men and in general. When you can get to the root, you can resolve it. And since you are able to be confident in your work, then it is just a matter of finding out why your personal life is different for you. To find a therapist, talk with your doctor. Or you can search on line in your area. On line counseling is also an option that is becoming more popular.

You can also learn more about building confidence through self help. Here are some resources:

Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning

I hope this has helped you,

May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or more stars? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer.
Thank you so much!

Customer: replied 4 years ago.



Dear Kate,


Thank you so much for your prompt answer which is very helpful!


Regarding relationships with men, may the problem, also be related to woman's psychological initiation? I have a feeling that I would also need an authorization/approval from my parents and, in particular, from my mother to start a relationship. Otherwise, I would be doing something wrong.


Many thanks!

You're welcome!

Yes, definitely. Anytime parents put conditions on relationships and make their acceptance of a relationship based on their approval first, before your own happiness, then it affects how you see men and your ability to not feel guilty or even fearful when you want to be in a relationship. Parents have a lot of influence in how we see ourselves and our relationships. So what you feel makes sense.

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