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Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2568
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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my girlfriend has had two sexual relationships since she was

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my girlfriend has had two sexual relationships since she was 20. We are thinking about marriage but her past is difficult for me to handle, since I was a virgin when i met her. she lied about her past from me until very recently..this broke our engagement but we are still figuring out what to do. i am really unsure about if i can handle her sexual past. Is it something foolish to hold on to it?

NormanM :

Hello, I'm Norman. Are you ready to chat?

NormanM :

I see that you are still offline, so I'm going to switch this to Question and Answer mode and leave a reply for you there.

Can you answer a couple of questions for me, please.

In your eyes, did the girl have the right to have these two relationships.

Given that she did, and you cannot change the past, what is more important to you - what she did, or your future together?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thanks Norman. The first was understandable though but foolish. The second was just plain lust. This hurts a lot more as I feel that sex is intended to make the marriage special. If she has done it uncountable times before. Having known her , I feel she has a lot of desire and this bugs me too.

She feels the same way too. She also says she does not remember how the sex felt with them. But if she did it countless times then I assume it must have felt great. My worry is will this affect my married life in the future , assuming I marry her. I already felt that she was not giving me everything she has. Now after hearing her confession about her past I am doubly concerned that I might go trhough life wondering if I married to her because she thinks I am the most comfortable choice.

BIG QUESTION - Will I ever be able to let go of these mental images and worry or will this be a constant nag on my mind for the rest of my life.

The truth is, I do not know. I think your best way forward would be to have brief course

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It would help you to see this situation as rationally as possible and to make an informed decision about your choices. It’s clear that you have major doubts about making this commitment, and therefore, until these doubts are resolved one way or the other, you really should not rush into it.

CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also causes the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.

These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.

If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted,

the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.

Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.

Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.

Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.

Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:

If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:

Also, there is a book called ”Feeling good - the new mood therapy” by Dr. David Burns. It has a hand book which gives you practical exercises to work through and further instructions on how to better use CBT. I really do recommend it.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies By Rhena Branch, Rob Willson is also pretty good.

Best wishes, NormanM

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