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Yes I need help to control these urges
worries about pregnancy. don't want more children, does not like pill/condoms. I feel op on myself would not make a change due to her cleanliness
She needs to understand quite clearly how this is making you feel - unloved, unwanted, rejected I suspect. This is something you both must talk about, but calmly and without blaming or shaming. Make it clear that what you want is something very, very important to you, and that her refusal is starting to put the relationship at risk.
I think it would be
beneficial too if you both saw a sex therapist to get you over this difficult time.
As far as your own masturbation is concerned, if you simply try to ignore any stimulation, the problem will get worse, and there is a fair chance that you will do something dangerous or in appropriate.
I don't think that the answer is to stop it entirely, but to do so in a 'safe' environment.