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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5575
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband is always stressed out and mad at the world. Constantly

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My husband is always stressed out and mad at the world. Constantly saying how he hates everyone. While he never hits anyone, he'll just smash his way through an aisle at the supermarket if people are in his way. He knocked a display right over because some woman wouldn't move her cart fast enough. If someone is standing too close to him in a line, he'll say stuff to me like "i'm gonna punch this guy in the head if he doesn't back up." Our last fighting match was...believe it or not, over spilled water. He spilled a bottle of water....water....just water....not even possible of staining anything. He got so mad, he grabbed the bottle and flung it (still with some water in it) across the room. It didn’t break anything but it certainly could’ve and it spilled even worse...so what the heck was the point of that? I yelled “stop it, you’re stressing me out! I can't handle it when you freak out like that” (which is a frequent statement it seems in our marriage) to which he responded “I’m not gonna be happy all the time so you’ll be happy”. Am I in the wrong for just wanting to give up on it already and walk away? Am I expecting too much out of him? I don't walk around hoping songbirds will land on my shoulder or anything but I try to find the happier roads in life. The first thing I did today was look up “easy divorce in PA”. The second thing was come to this website. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t do it. I’m tired of it. I’m finding myself seeking comfort (emotional only) in other male friends. I know that can’t be a good sign. I’m just at the end of my rope. There's so many more examples but space is limited. I was depressed (on medication) years ago b/c of his attitude. Hes always stressed and never wants to do anything with my family or his family for that matter....he just wants to be "left alone" (watching tv/internet) as he so often puts it. However, when I was in depression years ago, he had made some changes and I finally got better but now we're sliding down the same slope again. I always try to steer things to the positive because I know how dreadful it was to be sad all the time. I've made suggestions to alleviate his stress (like selling our home so he can get an easier, less stressful job) and he responds "it'll be the same no matter what". So what can I do? I feel like there is nothing left for me to do then to try to save myself and start over. While it is appealing, I also worry about him. I do love him although I question the strength of it lately. I don't want him to be sad but no matter how hard I try to empathize with him, encourage him, make plans to help him, he never responds to any of it. I don't know what else to do.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your questions.

It sounds like your husband has an anger management issue, possibly Intermittent Explosive Disorder (he would need an evaluation to determine his diagnosis). He appears to be unable to handle when he feels frustrated or upset so he lashes out at others in order to cope. But what it does instead is make people want to stay away from him, especially you.

There is nothing wrong with your reaction. No one wants to live with someone who not only overreacts to everything, but hurts others when he does it. And when you ask him to stop, he shows no interest in doing so. That means he is not seeing what he is doing as an issue and therefore is unlikely to change, even if it makes you unhappy.

It sounds like you have done all you can to help your husband address his anger. And it seems no matter what you try, he does not choose to seek help and get better. There is only so much you can do. And the fact that his behavior has affected you so much that you feel depressed and you are seeking out other men tells you how much this is hurting you.

At this point, your husband has to want to change. If he could see this as a problem, then he might be willing to seek out therapy to address it. But you will not be able to force him so at this point, you need to take care of yourself. And you mentioned that he is throwing things and acting out violently, although not against you, yet. His actions are a sign that if he does not get help, he could potentially hurt you one day, or someone else. And if you decide to have children, they will grow up learning that screaming and yelling is the way to handle your feelings. Not a healthy situation for anyone.

You may want to consider getting therapy yourself so you can work on getting out of this relationship. It may not be easy because you may still have feelings for your husband. So taking care of you by talking to someone will help. Also, it may help you to read more about what is going on so you can be sure you feel you are settled with what you decide. Here are some resources to help:

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved by Lundy Bancroft and JAC Patrissi

The Bully in Your Relationship: Stand Up to Emotional Abuse and Get the Love You Deserve by Anne-Renee Testa

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

 

 

May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or more stars? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5575
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.