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Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2543
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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i have a question about bi-sex

Resolved Question:

i have a question about bi-sex
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.

NormanM :

Hello, I'm Norman. Are you ready to chat?


 

Customer:

yes


 


 

Customer:

I'm issy.


 

NormanM :

Just type when you are ready, What exactly IS your question?


 

Customer:

I have a question about my husband

Customer:

i have a question about bi-sex.I'm married about 4 years with my husband. Now i'm pregnant. Last year I and my husband went to see psychologist his problem with pornography and sex addict. We talked to psychologist one time and my husband didn't want to go back for follow up. Now i just find out again that he still talk with the guy on bisex.com and want to be part of swinging somehow. I lose trust on him. He said, he change his habit but it is not. He thought that i didn't know what is going on with him. It kind of bad that i remote his computer though how i find out about this again.what is should do? i think he is sick! he needs help but he didn't realize it and wouldn't accept it. I don't want this to bother my pregnancy but i'm stressful. Please help me!

NormanM :

This is very difficult. He has lied to you and betrayed your trust, and unless he is given reason to, he is not going to change.


 

NormanM :

Do you agree?


 

Customer:

i think so but he said, he changed


 

Customer:

because he didn't know that i remote his computer


 

Customer:

what i should do

Customer:

i don't want to divorce. the baby is on the way. it will be our first child

Customer:

but i couldn't accept this

Customer:

is that common for a straight guy to be bi sex?

NormanM :

In effect, then he is still lying to you. Therefore you are faced with a couple of choices - you can either accept what is going on, or you can challenge him about it and find out if he is really prepared to stop this. True?


 

Customer:

yes. but how?


 

Customer:

i brought him to pshchologist but he couldn't stop

NormanM :

It is not very common, but if he is in a partnership, with a baby on the way, it is (in my view) stupid, inloving selfish and dangerous.


 

NormanM :

Do you think you can live with his possible bisexuality for the rest of yor life?


 

Customer:

i can't

Customer:

i feel sick

NormanM :

Then we need to look at what is possible. I am so sorry about what you are going through.


 

Customer:

thanks. I want to help him but i don't know how

Customer:

i try so hard to take him away on this but it is hard to do. I need a expert or professional to guide me thru this situation.

NormanM :

Give me a couple of minute to type up some stuff for you - don't go away yet!

Customer:

ok

NormanM :

There are a couple of issues here. First of all your own emotional health.


 


In order for you to come out of all this in the best possible way, it’s essential that you are able to be as objective as possible, and to make any decisions you have to make from a position of strength rather than weakness. Therefore, I’m going to suggest that you would benefit from some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.


 


CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also causes the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.


 


These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.


 


If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted,


the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.

NormanM :

Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.


Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.


 


Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.


 


Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:


http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx


If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:


http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm


 


Also, there is a book called ”Feeling good - the new mood therapy” by Dr. David Burns. It has a hand book which gives you practical exercises to work through and further instructions on how to better use CBT. I really do recommend it.


Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies By Rhena Branch, Rob Willson is also pretty good.

NormanM :

Secondly, your husbands recent behavior towards you. Effectively, he is lying and cheating - that, we have to take as a fact.

Before considering anything else, you have to ask yourself how you feel about spending the rest of your life in a relationship with someone whom you simply do not trust.


You need to decide what you want out of all this in the end. Do you want him to change and stop this unacceptable contact, so that you two can move on. Or are you prepared to accept being second best in your own marriage?

NormanM :

If you want him to change, consider this.


 


We humans only indulge in behaviour that brings reward of some kind. Only when that reward (whatever it might be) disappears, or the consequences of our behaviour promise to be unpleasant do we consider changing what we do. He therefore needs to be given a reason to change, and that might be if he continues his cheating, you leave. Up until now, he has had no need to change – he is getting away with it.

Customer:

i don't know what i should do with him but i know i want to be with him

Customer:

i want him change the bad habit


 

NormanM :

He cheats basically because he gets a reward out of it. Now that reward could be almost anything - that he gets a thrill from the illicit relationship, that it makes him feel powerful- the possibilities are endless.


 


However, at the root of things, he acts the way he does either because he gets something out of it or avoids negative consequences by doing so.

Customer:

i know sex addict or bi sex is hard to change

NormanM :

First off, your husband needs to be confronted with unacceptability of his behavior, and made to understand while you care for him, his behaviour is unacceptable and has to change.


 


He also needs to understand that any continuation of deception will have unpleasant consequences. They need to be spelled out to him very clearly, with clear emphasis on the fact that they will apply immediately should he cheat again – even once.


That could be that you leave!


Here is the clue to sorting things out.

NormanM :

It is hard to change, but if he will not do it, your choices are limited - put up with it or get out, sadly.


 

NormanM :

When you are faced with non-co-operation – give him choices, and make sure he understands the consequences of his choice – and always follow through.


Never get angry, stay cool and in control, matter of fact and stick to the facts. Avoid drama.


If you do decide to leave, on purely practical issues, you should see a Debt Advisor/Counsellor to make sure that you do not get deeper into debt than you already are, and have a recovery plan in place with your own debts properly prioritised.


Then, you need legal advise about what your economic and housing prospects are after any divorce. Once you are armed with all this information, you can sit down and examine the potential results of any decision you may want to make. Please do not rush into anything until you have taken these steps.

Customer:

do u think the case like him can be change?


 

NormanM :

I would insist that he gets into therapy and stays there intil he is better, and if he will not he must betold that you do not consider that he is going to be a good father for your child.


 

Customer:

should i bring him to talk to psychologist again!

NormanM :

He CAN chan ge. It will take a lot of time and effort, but if he wants you enough, he will make that effort. If he does not, he will not. Unfortunately, that is what this all comes down to.


 

Customer:

why a straight guy became a bisex?

Customer:

because our sexually is not good?

NormanM :

He must go into therapy willingly, and in the understanding to that not even one slip ip will be accepted.


 

NormanM :

It's not because you are not good enough for him. If he is genuinely bisexual, it is basically an inborn, innate part of his character.


 

Customer:

he ask him about bisex. he told me that he thinks he is bisex but he is not sure about himself. I ask him " did u attract to the guy" he said, "NO". He still wants to have sex with a girl but he like to see porn (a guy and a guy , or a girl and a girl, and girl and guy).


He ask him " did u have sex with the guy " he said, "NO"

Customer:

It seems to me he is not sure what he is

Customer:

but he said, he loves me

Customer:

but his behavior is in contrast than he say

NormanM :

I don't think he knows either. Bisex.com is just basically a porn site, and I think at this stage, a firm threat will be enough to stop this nonsense.


 

Customer:

he is still chat on bisex.com and see porn

NormanM :

And you are right of course - actions do speak louder than words.

NormanM :

OK. Draw a firm line, and see what he does.


 

Customer:

it means i should bring him to get therapy for this

NormanM :

I think so, yes.


 

Customer:

if he doesn't want to go again,what i should do

NormanM :

Tell him to stop using the bisex site, or he is out.


 

Customer:

he always said, he busy with his job

NormanM :

Unless, of course, you are prepared to live with it.


 

NormanM :

Tell him to choose. His marriage or his job.


 

Customer:

I don't know. Since i'm being pregnant, i need to think about this situation

Customer:

i shouldn't tell me i'm remote his computer right

NormanM :

You certainly do, and as I said before, I think you should have some CBT to help you see this as clearly and logically as possible. I would tell him, actually, so that he knows thet YOU know what is happening.

Customer:

i found he send email to someone on bisex and talk about swinging meeting with the group if their group found some guy or girl.then the bisex group have to let him know.


 

Customer:

this is disgust to me

Customer:

u think they just talk or it is true than he will do it

NormanM :

Of course it is. It's hard for you, but you know what to do. Get some CBT help for yourself, then give him his choices. I cannot predict whether or not he will do it, but if it has gotten to the stage you have described, ther is a good chance that he will if you do not warn him off


 

Customer:

I'm a strong person. I open mind to him with everything but i thought it is a good thing to listen to him talk to me. However, it didn't helpful for him at all


 

Customer:

he even wear a girl underwear while he does masterbation. This is mental problem ?


 

Customer:

he has a lot of fantasy. I couldn't help him about this though. Is that part of my fault too?

NormanM :

Issy - people only change their behavior if theystop getting rewards from it, or if it looks to that that it is going to produce nasty consequences for them. Up until now, he has had no reason to change - why should he, he is getting what he wants. Now it is up to you to give him that reason. Only then will he consider doing what he is doing. If you are soft with him he will just continue to lie and exploit you.


 

NormanM :

NONE of this is your fault. NONE OF IT. It is al down to his selfish character.


 

Customer:

that why he needs from someone else like the guy sexaul. I heard the guy can serve sex better than a woman. that's why he is looking for someone else to serve his sex better


 

Customer:

do i need to change anything to be compromise between us

NormanM :

I frankly don't care what his excuses are. He is a slfish person whose only concern is himself.


 

NormanM :

Issy - I have told you in detail what I suggest you do. I don't se a working compromise her at all. He needs to understand that you are simply not prepared to be treated the way he is treating you, and that that is his choice.


 

NormanM :

You need to be brave, or he will continue to walk all over you


 

Customer:

ok. I just want our marriage life stay long time and ever. That's all i want . I don't want to divorce. If i can do anything , i want to do it. But i can't work alone

NormanM :

That's right. Get some CBT and that will give you the clarity and support you are going to need to make your decisions


 

Customer:

also, i'm from the other country. I live here alone. I have only my husband. He is american. I thought the culture about sexaul between us are different

NormanM :

I'm sure they are different, and that that makes things harder


 

Customer:

that's why i think . This is part of my fault too? because i couldn't serve him about his sexual in the better way.


 

NormanM :

As I said, none of this is your fault at all. Please try to understand that. It's all about him


 

Customer:

i understand that but it stuck on my mind a little bit about these.

Customer:

i know it is all about his fault. I'm just tired to talk to him many times about his situation(since i know he has a problem with sex addict and bisex)

NormanM :

W


 

NormanM :

Is ther any other information or advice I can give you?


 

Customer:

do u have any recommend for good psychologist in Lincolnshire,IL


 

NormanM :

Let me make a quick check


 

Customer:

ok.thanks

NormanM :

If you click on the link here you will find an extensive list. Have a good look, then call the three you think might be most helpful, and go with the one with whom you feel most comfortable.

Customer:

ok thank you for your help

NormanM :

You are most welcome. Please remember to rate my answer.


 

Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2543
Experience: ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
Norman M. and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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