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Alicia_MSW
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 554
Experience:  Specializing in mental health counseling
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Sex on Video

Resolved Question:

One day my boyfriend decided to record on his phone us having sex, I wanted him to delete it but he wouldn't because we don't see each other much and it would be some remembrance for him or something. Yesterday, I asked him to delete it and he joked around saying he already turned it in to some porn site under amateur porn. I got super upset and all he did was laugh and tell him I'm stupid for over reacting. Am I over reacting? It was an intimate moment and for him to do that betrays my trust. I don't know how approach the problem after telling him how it wasn't funny and that it's sick for him to even think its ok to joke about it. Do you have any advice?
We have other problems as well. My boyfriend only comes over twice a week, if I'm lucky. While he visits, he barely has any time to spend time with our daughter, let alone go on a date with me. He's currently a truck driver but he gives 80% of his paycheck to his dad. He doesn't have a reliable source of transportation to even come and visit us because his parents refuse to let him borrow their car. When it comes to buying my daughters needs, he pays for only her food and diapers. I understand he needs to work, but it's ridiculous that he works so hard when my daughter doesn't get to know her dad. I don't know what else I can do to tell him he needs to make a change and to decide what his priorities are.
It's one issue after another and I need someone to talk to and vent out on.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I'm Alicia. Thanks for your question, I'm happy to help you today.

In response to your first question, and to be quite honest with you, I do not think you are over-reacting. I agree that it was an intimate moment, and that he is betraying your trust by not respecting your wishes to delete the video. I am assuming (and hoping) that he was simply joking around when he said that he submitted the video to an amateur porn site, otherwise, this issue becomes quite a bit more complicated. I think you handled it well by explaining to him that you felt betrayed and disrespected. I would say that in addition to that, the best move might be to give yourself some space (mentally) for a few days, to get your point across. Women handle problems by talking about them, but this approach doesn't always work with men - sometimes, they respond best when you don't respond at all. So now that you've explained how you feel, I would say that you just need to let things lie. I'm not suggesting that you play games with him, but you might want to try to play it a bit cool for the time being. This might be the only thing he can understand and respond to, since it doesn't seem that he has the capacity to be sensitive to your attempts to verbalize your feelings. He needs to realize that his actions were unacceptable, and that he should apologize. Of course, he might not come to this realization, in which case you need to sit down with him and have a serious talk about the severity of his actions, and explain that (if you are willing to do this) you are going to forgive him this time but you're not going to tolerate this behavior in the future - or something along those lines.

In terms of your second question, I don't completely understand why he's giving 80% of his paycheck to his dad? If you don't mind me being honest with you, it sounds like he needs to step up and take a bit more responsibility for your daughter (and his relationship with you) - and if you've been saying this to him over and over and he's not getting it, then I don't think anything else you say at this point is going to be effective. You can talk until you're blue in the face, but I don't think your point is getting across - and that's not a fault of yours - he sounds a bit emotionally immature, and I'm not sure he's aware that there are consequences to his actions (both in terms of not trying to develop his relationship with your daughter and in terms of the first issue you mentioned.) The first thing to realize is that you can't "make" him change - he has to want to change. But in order for him to want to change, he has to see that there is a problem. And I'm not sure he's seeing things that way.

I realize it's a complicated situation, and there's more to it than what you've said here. What I would suggest is that you schedule a specific time to sit down and discuss your concerns about all of these things with him in a calm, rational manner. You can't change him or get him to respond the way you want, but you can explain your side of things and explain your feelings. Let him know that he needs to start stepping up to the plate in certain areas, and stop fooling around in others (i.e. the sex video). He has to be an adult and take responsibility. And if he doesn't respond or take you seriously, you might have to put your foot down and let him know that you're just not willing to stick around and be treated this way.

If it's possible, you might want to consider either seeing a therapist again on your own (I know you mentioned seeing one in high school), or possibly, if he's willing, seeing a couples counselor, even if it's just for a few sessions. He might not have his ears open completely when you're talking, but perhaps bringing in a neutral third party, someone who can mediate between the two of you, could be helpful. If you're interested, you can find both an individual therapist and a couples counselor on these websites:
http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/
or
http://www.goodtherapy.org/

It sounds to me like you would benefit from some extra support, and just from having someone to vent to about all of these things. Having online support from a site like this can help, but to truly benefit, it's best to talk to someone in person. So I hope you will consider getting in touch with a counselor soon to help you deal with the stress of everything that you have going on.

I hope this helps, but please let me know if you would like to talk some more or if you have any more questions. Best wishes.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I would love to talk more but I'm afraid I don't have the funds to do this regularly =(. Maybe a monthly thing would be possible? I have tried talking to him on these issues but you're right that he doesn't see the immediate need. I will take on your advice to let things settle a bit and not talk to him for a few days. I do understand that in a way I am enabling him whenever I call him and it seems like everything is fine between us.
Anyways, the reason he pays his father 80% is because the diesel big rig truck belongs to his father, and his dad pays for the diesel, insurance, and any other expenses concerning the truck. His father claims that he pays him that amount because Sal, my boyfriend, is renting the truck from him. If Sal wants his entire check, he would have to buy it off him. However, this truck was bought for a steal, $5000. My boyfriend has worked for his dad for over 6 months, and I believe that the 80% he gives his dad has already payed off that truck. however, what his father wants is for Sal to give him his entire paycheck until the 20% cut Sal receives pays for the $5000.
I believe his family is taking advantage of his situation. His parents have said that since my daughter and I are cared for by my mom, Sal doesn't need to help with the expenses concerning his daughter. Especially when I decided not to give my daughter his last name, due to some absence during the duration of my pregnancy. They're also upset that his name isn't on the birth certificate, but how could I put his name when he decided to leave the hospitals the day after I gave birth? He needed to sign papers and he wasn't present.
I love my boyfriend but the problem is it seems like I'm the only one trying to make this relationship work. I'm the one who mostly drives 45 min to bring my daughter to visit him and his family. They won't allow him to borrow a vehicle for him to visit. I just feel like I should stand my ground and if they want to visit my daughter, they're more than welcome to come over my house.
As far as my boyfriend goes, we'll see if he'll at least apologize and try to work things out. If not, I have school to look forward into keeping me busy.
Either way, thank you so much for your help. I really appreciate it.
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 2 years ago.
Hi again,

I'm always around, so we can talk whenever you are able to - and you can always reply to this message if you would like to chat or vent :)

I can imagine what a difficult situation this is for you, and it seems that you're left to handle a lot of things on your own. And even though it sounds like you're a very strong person, it's normal and understandable that you sometimes need to call him to talk to him, even if on some level, it enables his behavior. (But thanks for clarifying about the paycheck issue, I was confused about that. It does sound to me, based on what you've said, that his family is definitely taking advantage of the situation. But I can also see that Sal is stuck between a rock and a hard place with this all. I also disagree with what his parents have said - because it sounds like they are playing a big role in enabling his behavior too. You are right when you say that he participated in the creation of a lot of these problems by leaving right after the birth. I can't imagine that it was easy for you to handle everything without him, even with the support of your mom.) However, she is his daughter, and at some point, I imagine that she's going to want to have a relationship with him, and that you would want that for her. So if some of these issues can be resolved sooner rather than later (even if that just means that he shows more of an interest in her than he currently does) then it will be better for her (and you) in the long run.
But as you said, it can't be a one-way street. You can't do all the work and be the only one pulling for the relationship to work. It seems to me that his family is being extremely unsupportive, and I don't entirely understand their motivation - or why he can't step up (even though it can be hard in the situation he's in, I realize that) and take a stand with them. Especially if it's just a matter of him borrowing a vehicle so he can visit...
I think we're both saying the same things here, though, but I want you to know that I support your position here and I don't think the way he's been acting is fair to you or your daughter. I think you should try to stand your ground as much as you possibly can. It's hard, but you're strong, and you can do it. You've already handled so much on your own - and now it's time for him (and his family) to step up and do the same. I hope he will realize his role here, and at the very least, apologize for the video situation. I wish you luck - stay strong - and hopefully things will change for the better soon!
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 554
Experience: Specializing in mental health counseling
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