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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1745
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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How can I tell if my boyfriend is either too distracted to

Resolved Question:

How can I tell if my boyfriend is either too distracted to pay attention to what matters to me and how I feel or if he's just plain unappreciative?  We've been dating for almost 2 years and have been living together for about 6 months.  He has 2 children and I have one still at home.  I work first shift and he works 2nd...I always tend to go overboard with gifts, etc for special occasions--whereas he barely puts a second thought into anything at all.  I also take care of nearly everything with the kids and house (it is my house...he has his own, but he is trying to sell it) I really complain or get upset...but when I do, I feel like I have no right to.  I know that my PMDD can be a problem at times and sometimes I'm not sure if it's that or if there is a real problem.  We have only gone out alone MAYBE 5 times the entire time we've been together.  I know he has a lot on his mind...but, I feel as though I am totally unappreciated and don't know if I should move on or what....


 

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

Have you discussed how you feel with him?

CoachJenK :

I will wait for you to come online so we can chat about it.

Customer:

I have at times...but, it seems that most of the time he tends to think I may be acting a bit sensitive due to the PMDD. Although I feel the way I described most of the time...I do know that it does tend to bother me more at that time and I dwell on it...I'm not very good at communicating my inner emotions so readily out of fear of some sort of negative reaction. This goes back to previous relationships. I try to have a more open mind about things and work on my own issues. But, I still have those feelings of what if? Like what if...I do all I'm doing and trust that things are going to fall into place with our relationship...and it never goes anywhere and it ends like all the rest. Then I am left with more wasted time and losses. It's really hard to get past that fear...but at the same time...it's hard to feel unappreciated too. Like I said, I know I sometimes go overboard for birthdays, Christmas, and Father's Day...and although I don't expect the same in return...I do expect some thought to be put into it to make me feel like I'm worth a little effort. Especially with all that I have to do while he's at work (with his children) I've been feeling like I work harder now with him and his kids in my life...than I did when it was just me and my youngest at home by ourselves.

CoachJenK :

hi. just reading your response above.


 

CoachJenK :

I am not afan when others relay and use a label like the pmdd as a weapon.


 

CoachJenK :

you feel how you feel in the relationship and it can be communicated without it being put back on you and stemming from an issue of yours.


 

Customer:

I agree with that...the problem is that I do know there's a difference at that time. Does it sound like I may be a bit sensitive when it comes to feeling appreciated?


 

CoachJenK :

mutuality in a relationship is a must in order for it to thrive and that is shown in many ways not just through the special events but all the time as your gut is tel


ling you.

CoachJenK :

I dont hear that...I hear a woman that cares for him and his kids and desires some mutuality around that.


 

CoachJenK :

that is what we all want in a relationship.


 

CoachJenK :

can we all be sensitive at times, yes, but I am not hearing that.


 

CoachJenK :

I think that because communication is difficult for you, that you get left with a lot of these feelings which can be overwhelming which helps to create feeling sensitive.


 

CoachJenK :

so the more you can open up and speak in loving ways the better you will feel.


 

CoachJenK :

"honey, I love you...you know what I would really love? That we get a babysitter and every two weeks we have a date night, just you and me."


 

Customer:

We've discussed that...but, I've just now been able to help my 11 year old get past some of her anxiety...at least enough where I think I can actually be without her for a few hours...but, the times that we've tried...he ends up having to work...I know you can't help with that problem...we just have to keep trying on that end of things. I was going to try and write out my feelings tonight and hopefully be able to convey everything that way...


 

CoachJenK :

that sounds like a nice plan. Another alternative is that you go out for a bite after she goes to sleep so that she is calm...and as she moves from this anxious state you can practice going out for an hour while she is still up.


 

CoachJenK :

you sound like a very loving woman but please be careful not to give over so much of yourself for someone else...you are important too.


 

Customer:

That's true...how can I express my feelings about doing things for me on special occasions? I have a real hard time expressing these feelings because I don't want to sound selfish or spoiled...but, would like more noticeable effort


 

CoachJenK :

I think that becomes dicey because in the end he might feel forced to do something. It is not uncommon for men to do less than we do on the special occasions.


 

CoachJenK :

men and women give differently nd it is hard to accept that for sure.


 

Customer:

I know...that's another reason I hate saying anything. We've talked about marriage and even went to look at rings once...but, he says he wants to wait for the right time to ask...but, then he also says he needs to know from me what I want...I keep telling him that he needs to be the one to initiate something like that...I would never want to make him feel pressure in any way at all...but, that has also caused a delay in him asking...and makes me question if it's something he really wants....


 

CoachJenK :

lets work on your communication with him and see how responsive he can be as you express your feelings...make it all about how you feel and not about what he isnt doing well enough...he will feel defensive and unable to hear you.


 

Customer:

You're right...he can definitely become defensive easily...as most men can. I will write the letter tonight and see what he has to say...


 

CoachJenK :

excellent. Come to me anytime.


 

Customer:

Ok...I'll touch base with you tomorrow to get a final opinion on things...if that's ok

CoachJenK :

sure. please take a moment to click on the rating tab to offer a rating of my work as that is the only way I am credited. My goal is excellent.


 

CoachJenK :

you will also get a copy of our chat once you complete your rating.


 

Customer:

ok...thanks

CoachJenK :

my pleasure.


 

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1745
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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