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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am here overseas, in India, with my boyfriend, whos also

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I am here overseas, in India, with my boyfriend, who's also American, but works here as an expat for a US investmen bank. A few weeks ago, he beat me up and I ended with broken jaw, and 3 herniated discs on my cervical spine area. I am currently being seen by a dentofacial surgeon for my broken jaw joints and by a neurospinal surgeon for my herniated discs. This week, my boyfriend is currently back in the US to attend a family wedding, and won't be back until the 19th, Monday. I'd been wanting to leave eversince the very night he beat me up, but am too scared of him that he might beat me again if i told him im leaving. Now that he's overseas, I see this as a window of opportunity for me to escape unharmed. I emailed a US women's domestic violence NGO yesterday, that deals specifically with American women overseas, but didnt get a response from them as yet. I am in an internet cafe right now, since my boyfriend is in IT Division of his bank and i am scared that he's got spywares all over the network. I got suspicious of this when i emailed the domestic violence hotline right after the beating incident and the next day, he talked to me and said words that has indications he has read my email somehow... i got more scared after that and just tried hard to please him, being as subversive and cheerful and fake it that all is normal, to appease him. I even didn't answer the first reply given by the domestic violence organization, so that he would think i dropped the idea of contacting anyone. The past few days, i got the courage to create a new email address and email the same domestic violence organization, and finally wrote them back yesterday. My main concern right now is the manner in which i will make my exit. I am here in India on a short term tourist visa to visit him, and he is here on an employment visa courtesy of the US bank he works for who outsource their IT and Operations here. In terms of money, visa status and influence here, he is way above me... and he always tells me that since this is a corrupt country he can bribe the police and just about everyone here. He did not show any remorse on the injuries he inflicted on me and even lashed out at me coldheartedly when i came home one day from the hospital and told him the news that my doctor said my herniated discs are permanent injuries that cannot be remedied by surgery nor laser. What scares me the most now, is knowing who he is, and basing on past history, he has a significant likelihood of punishing me when i leave. The night he beat me up, I attempted to pack my stuff and told him i cant believe what he did to me and i said i was leaving. He threatened me that if i left, i should leave everything he ever gave me, meaning the phone, the ipad and the laptop he gave to me as gifts in different occasions. I told him its not fair, i gave you expensive gifts too (worth over $2000) and im not asking you to give them back... he said... i have the receipts to those devices i gave you. So i said.. so you are gonna report that i stole them, eventhough legally they are mine since you gave them to me as gifts... he said, well, who holds the receipts? I do. It's not that I didnt have a phone or laptop when he met me a year ago. He just didn't want my phone and laptop, so for christmas, he upgraded my laptop to a macbook air by giving it to me as a christmas gift. and then, he gifted me the phone to upgrade my phone. and since his daughters and everyone he knows own an ipad, he got me one too. i asked him for none of these, but i feel that he gave me these more for his own status or ego than for my sake, because i am satisfied with my simple gadgets and didnt feel the need to impress. But my point is... he has already been treating me like he owns me... and i have to admit that id been playing the part that he wants me to be to please him cuz i love him and want to make him happy with me, but when he beat me up, i wasnt trying to please him out of love and affection anymore... i was trying to appease him for survival's sake. my neurosurgeon offered to file my case as a medicolegal case but i said no, my boyfriend will lose his job and i didnt want that to happen to him.. il just find a way to get out of there peacefully. I am physically safe now since i can go before he arrives but how do i do it so that he cannot harass me later? According to his traits i have narrated so far, can you please profile him and advise me how i could best walk away from here? My plan as of now is to get witnesses to testify my departure, videotape each and every item i packed in my suitcase, and videotape leaving the house that everything is in place and in order... (basing on the man i know he is, i am suspicious that a separation rage he can pull on me is to destroy stuff in the house and tell authorities i did all that). Since he believes he can bribe just anyone here, i know he is thinking the sky is the limit as far as what he can do. Pls help.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your boyfriend is a domestic abuser and could possibly be dangerous. Your description of his behavior indicates that he sees your relationship very much from his own perspective and not from your perspective at all. You mentioned that he bought you gifts and tried to insinuate that he could hold it against you because he had the receipts. And you mentioned that he has made claims that he can bribe anyone he wants to in order to get what he wants. Whether or not this is true is irrelevant. What is important is that he seems to want to hurt you more than he already has. That indicates someone who is possibly narcissistic and could also be sociopathic. Although no one can diagnose someone without seeing them face to face, the traits you describe could fit those disorders.

For your own safety, it is very important that you get out of this relationship. Use the domestic abuse connections you have made and see what resources they can offer you. I am not familiar with the domestic abuse system in India but they may be able to offer to have someone meet you at your place and help you leave. You also may want to contact domestic abuse agencies in the US to see what they recommended.

If you can, try to get any male friends to stay with you until you can get out of the home. Your idea of videotaping your exit might help, but you may want to contact an attorney to see if you need to do anything else to protect yourself. You also may want to allow the doctor who is treating you to go ahead and make your files medical legal files. What happens to your boyfriend as a result is not your issue. But protecting yourself is.

Also, you may want to try to leave the country and come back to your home where you are more able to access services and have more support. The support of others is vital right now. You should not handle this alone. The person you are with is either too powerful, or feels he is powerful enough to hurt you. And from what you said, it sounds like he might try. So having others around you, involving the police, your attorney and any domestic abuse agency you can is the best way to get yourself out of the relationship and somewhere much safer.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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