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KansasTherapist
KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 565
Experience:  17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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My husband and I have been married for 3 years. It seems the longer were together the more

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My husband and I have been married for 3 years. It seems the longer were together the more distant we become. We sit in separate rooms most of the time. He zones out playing his game, or on his tablet, or watching tv. I sit at my computer wishing he would ask me to come sit with him. This last week I have been very sick, I really needed him and I got nothing. I cleaned and cooked just like any other day. Even though he could see me struggling and having to sit down to catch my breath to continue he sat and played his game. This hurt me a lot. His response to me is he is a man, and that is how men think. He missed work one day and used me being sick as the reason, I thought oh how sweet, the truth is he missed because he didn't get much sleep because of my coughing. He slept tell 10 am and sat and played his game the whole day. Not once acknowledging I could use a little help.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 2 years ago.

KansasTherapist : Hello
KansasTherapist : I don't agree his behavior is just what men do. There are plenty of men who are responsible and supportive.
KansasTherapist : The way your husband is acting, however, is irresponsible and selfish.
KansasTherapist : I would say, there are two things going on. One, on your part, you are wanting him to know what to do without your asking. That sets you up to be disappointed because he doesn't seem to be paying a lot of attention,melt alone reading your mind. It would help if you stated, in a straightforward way, what you want from him.
Customer:

I did state what I wanted. His response was I better do it so you don't get pissed. Very disheartening. I don't feel very cared about. I feel that as long as I cook his meals, do his laundry, clean, and be ready for sex whenever he wants it,then everything is just fine. When if ever does what I would like enter in?

KansasTherapist : The second thing happening seems to be that your husband doesn't see himself as having responsibility for being engaged in the relationship. If he wants to continue to be married and, in the future, have children, he needs to step up.
KansasTherapist : Does he have his own chores to do?
Customer:

We are older so kids are not gonna happen we both have grown children of our own. This is my second marriage and for him it's his third. He fixes things that break, and does some yard work. He is pretty handy. In our 4 years together he has done dishes once, and laundry twice. The only reason he did the dishes was because he lost a bet, so it was kind of fun joke. I work too in fact I have my own business, with 14 employees. I am very busy too. I still make sure dinner happens every day, except very rarely, that the house is clean, laundry is done etc. I never refuse sex, no matter how sick or tired I am. I don't want that to be a source of problems. I just don't feel he is putting the same effort into the relationship.

KansasTherapist : What I reccomend is that you express you lake of concern for your feelings and needs. Let him know you feel you're growing apart. If he is willing, the two of you can create a plan to do things together that you both enjoy. I also sugget you put the electronics away for an agreed upon amount of time in the evening. Start during dinner, when you can sit down together. You can talk about your day and what you want to do the rest of the evening. At least once or twice a month, you should have a date night.
KansasTherapist : If your husband isn't willing to do these things, or expresses he will only do them to keep you from being angry, I can't hold out much hope for your relationship.
KansasTherapist : In the first sentence I meant to say, "express your feeling that there is a lack of concern"
Customer:

ok I will try that. Thanks.

KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 565
Experience: 17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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