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Ask Norman M. Your Own Question
Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2568
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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I have been living with my boyfriend for almost 18 months.

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I have been living with my boyfriend for almost 18 months. We are both in our 40's and have our share of previous baggage. At this point I can't help but feel hurt that he still hasn't asked me to marry him. He makes comments that some day we will get married but I can't stop wondering when "someday" will get here. I try not to let it get to me as our life together is truly beautiful. How do I get over this obsession and just enjoy what I have?

NormanM :

Hello, I'm Norman. Are you ready to chat?

Customer:

Good Morning, yes I am

NormanM :

Just type when you're ready

NormanM :

Great. Would you care to tell me your name?

Customer:

Mariette


 

NormanM :

Thanks, Mariette. From what you say, you have a great relationship - is that about right?

Customer:

yes it is, the healthiest I have ever had.


 

NormanM :

Lovely!

NormanM :

Who normally raises the issue of marriage

Customer:

me of course

Customer:

I make little jokes


 

NormanM :

How do you do that - and how often?

Customer:

he likes to call me his secretary when he needs things done & I'll tease him that he doesn't pay me enough or I am still waiting for my promotion


 

NormanM :

Have you asked HIM outright to marry you?

NormanM :

Still there Mariette?

Customer:

no. he had an aweful first marriage and I can tell that he wouldn't want to feel forced again into something like that again. I have been married in the past as well. (twice) and I did make a promise to myself that if i did it again it would be for love only and nothing else... but the longer it takes for him to ask I cant help but feel there is something wrong with me.


 

NormanM :

Right -got your reply now

Customer:

that I.m not good enough.


 

NormanM :

Mariette, I doubt very much if there is anything weong with you

NormanM :

I think you have answered the question yourself

Customer:

he always tells me how happy he his and how wonderful I am....but i guess not enough to fully committ


 

NormanM :

He is fearful of a repeat disaster.

NormanM :

Tell - why is marriage so important to you?

Customer:

Both my parents have gone through several spouses and I have had my share of disappointments....I have never felt this way or get along with another as well as I do with him...we met on a blind date and have never looked backed. I feel that with him I can succeed where failures have been in the past.

NormanM :

I see that - but what would marriage give you that you do not have right now. After all, you both know from then past that it does not guarantee a long lived relationship

Customer:

true. I guess with marriage it's the age old feeling of acceptance. being chosen to be part of something bigger, telling the world that I have been chosen .


 

NormanM :

Mariette - it seems to me that what you have is wonderful. Something beautiful, to be cherished. If you push too hard for this, you know what you are risXXXXX, XXXXX't you?

Customer:

yes I know.


 

NormanM :

Give him time, give him love - and it will probably just happen.. Even if it does not, at least you have somethintruly wonderful - something that many married folks would envy deeply

Customer:

I need to relax and enjoy what I have. most people go a lifetime without experiencing what I have. He evens believes that we were brought together by a higher power. I guess I need to get over the guilt of "shacking up" and live life on our terms


 

NormanM :

When you caramp a plant into a tight little container where it is uncomfortable - it withers and dies. Give it space and nourishment and it blossoms.

Customer:

write our own fairy tale


 

Customer:

good point. I have to treat him to some extent like an abused dog. go in slow and low with a lot of love and patience.


 

NormanM :

Guily over shacking up? I hope not, Mariette. Write that fairy tale.There are happy endings!

NormanM :

You are right on the ball- love, patience and understanding and from all you say, he knows he can depend on you for that

Customer:

We went to get life insurance quotes and when I told the agent that my address was the same as my boyfriends he saide to me "living in sin are we?" I told him "Is there really any other way to live" but I was so embarrassed.

NormanM :

Actually, you are living in love - get another insurance agent!

Customer:

we didn't get the insurance.

NormanM :

Well done you!

Customer:

Thank you for your help Norman. I do feel better...I guess sometimes I over think and let insecurities take over.

NormanM :

We all do Mariette - even so called smart psychotherapists! I wish you both the very best!

Customer:

Take care


 

NormanM :

You too!

Customer:
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