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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1809
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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Good morning, This morning my boyfriend had baked himself

Resolved Question:

Good morning,
This morning my boyfriend had baked himself some biscuits before a friend of mine came and visited us. When he was about to leave, I offered him some biscuits to take away with him. After my friend left, my boyfriend angrily told me I had no right to give away biscuits he had baked himself, saying that I am selfish, oblivious, childish and immature. I just wanted to be kind to my friend for his visit. Nothing more. I did not want to take any merit for the biscuits. My boyfriend is now mad at me, 100%. Upon being anger, he told he will punch in the face, should this happen again (that is, me giving away his biscuits without asking).
My parents did the same to me when I was a boy: lending or giving away my things without asking.
I am concerned: am I such a monster like my parents were?
Thanks for helping me!
Marco
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

Good morning. clearly this is a source of pain for him but you couldnt know.

Customer:

Hi

Customer:

He is as mad as hell

CoachJenK :

you now have something to go back to him to talk about and talk about why this was so painful and how cyou can do it differently next time.

Customer:

what am I going to do now?

CoachJenK :

your intentions were pure and without intentional harm.

CoachJenK :

Time to sit down and talk about it all and I am not in love with the threat of violence.

Customer:

they were, but he does not see it

CoachJenK :

yes because it has hit him on some level that he may not even understand.

Customer:

am I sooooo bad??

CoachJenK :

do the best way is to get him to open up about it and let him know that you are sorry it happened in that way and now you know that this is an important issue for him and you will always discuss it first and come to that decision together.

CoachJenK :

not at all...you did a lovely thing and had no idea it would hurt him so.

CoachJenK :

why the threat of violence?

Customer:

because of giving away things he made...

CoachJenK :

yes well he can have his feelings about it but the threat of violence is extreme. Has he hit you before?

Customer:

never ever..he is very kind, but this idea that ,I made, it belongs to me' scares me a lot

CoachJenK :

his feelings around this are a bit extreme and i would suggest that maybe he seek some counseling to understand this reaction and know that you are not the aggressor.

CoachJenK :

you have done nothing wrong.

CoachJenK :

how long are you together?

Customer:

I know, but I will punished all day long, believe me...I come from a very abusive, dysfunctional family and I don't want it to repeat again...

Customer:

since 2007 together

CoachJenK :

that is exactly right and his behavior is extreme in that way and your background also shows me why you would take responsibility here and think you are bad.

Customer:

sorry, I meant I will be punished

CoachJenK :

i understood.

Customer:

I feel bad

Customer:

guilty

CoachJenK :

I would suggest speaking with him about it when things feel calmer

CoachJenK :

yes and that makes sense based on your history of abuse in your family. You can certainly let him know you feel bad and you had no idea it would hurt him so. But you also don't like to be threatened with violence.

CoachJenK :

you would do well in some couples counseling

CoachJenK :

he has some deeper issues going on around this that need to be explored.

CoachJenK :

since 2007 you have not seen this before?

Customer:

we are about to go on holiday together...will it be a disaster????

Customer:

never seen this before...

CoachJenK :

I hope not but talk to him and try and calm things around this.

Customer:

even if in the past this sense of property came up a lot

CoachJenK :

is he particularly stressed about things in his life right now?

CoachJenK :

ok so he has this issue and now you are more aware of it and can be sensitive to it.

Customer:

not really...we have jobs, a house...maybe he is stressed about something I do not know

CoachJenK :

yes so check in with him and give some loving empathy but these are his issues and you dont need to take responsibility here.

Customer:

do you think I am being abused like in my family or I am just oversensitive?

CoachJenK :

I cant say but if this is the first time you have seen this I would keep an eye out for sure.

CoachJenK :

but I do think you can both do better communicating to each other how you feel

Customer:

three months ago I dared to eat something he had made. I left a portion for him of course. he threw everything away accusing of being selfish and rude...

CoachJenK :

he needs to get some help here...this is extreme. If you are in a relationship then things are shared, no?

Customer:

yes..but for him I was and I am selfish...

CoachJenK :

I dont see it.

Customer:

well...I think we should have a good talk before going on holiday. Do you think he is bossy??

Customer:

abusive?

CoachJenK :

I dont put a label on it but rather say that he has some strong feelings about some deep issues within himself and isn't treating you well around these issues, so communication needs to improve and if it doesn't then you will have some thinking to do about whether you want to remain in this type of relationship.

Customer:

right 100%, but today will be very long with that attitude of him. I am not perfect, but being treated like that, is not my goal...

CoachJenK :

exactly. get out and do something for yourself then and take care of you. he needs to sulk then let him but you dont need to put yourself in front of it

Customer:

I will...the problem is that my family taught me nothing about defending myself...

Customer:

so emotionally it's painful

CoachJenK :

well clearly you are by coming here and working out the issues. You have every right to set a boundary around how he talks to you, how he threatens you and what you will stand for.

Customer:

ok...got it...I really thank for your words...even if I think at a certain point I MUST take a decision about our relationship (or lack of it...)

CoachJenK :

it is my pleasure. come to me anytime for more support or follow up.

Customer:

thanks ..I will.

CoachJenK :

Please take a moment to click on the rating tab to rate my work.

CoachJenK :

take care of yourself and do not put yourself in harms way.

Customer:

yes...thanks

CoachJenK :

thank you in advance for a favorable rating of my work.

Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1809
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K.
Social Worker, Professional Coach
648 Satisfied Customers
Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach