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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1785
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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I have been in a relationship for 9 years(since I was 18) and Ive felt as if I give

Resolved Question:

I have been in a relationship for 9 years(since I was 18) and I've felt as if I give more to the relationship than her. We broke up before and then last month we broke up again. I met someone else, but still missed my ex, so I decided that we should work on things slowly. I'm so confused. She's all I know, but then again am I compromising my happiness to stay in a relationship where I feel comfortable rather than seeing other people?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

What you are experiencing is quite common and I commend you for having the insight into what the issues are for yourself.

CoachJenK :

I always like to ask people to look inside themselves and see if they are operating from a place of fear or a place of love.

CoachJenK :

By what you are describing it sounds as if you are coming more from a place of fear...as you say staying with what is familiar and comfortable.

CoachJenK :

The tough work here is to sit with the painful feelings that any break up has and to grieve and allow your self to heal and move on.

CoachJenK :

it is scary to enter into the dating world and new relationships but as you say compromising your happiness has been the cost of going back to what is familiar.

CoachJenK :

hi

Customer: Yes, you are right, but it's just so hard when you have worked hard at building so much with this person. How do I know if it won't work out of I at least don't give it another try?
Customer: I don't want to keep up with this break up cycle
CoachJenK :

you dont know that for sure unless you try but what you do know is that you feel your happiness is being compromised.

CoachJenK :

I also know that usually when there is a break up that unless those issues are truly worked on that we usually end up bumping into the same things that caused the issues in the past.

Customer: I feel so confused right now... I'm not sure I know exactly what I'm doing at this point. Friends and family told me that I should take some time for myself and perhaps date other people, but what is that really going to solve. What if I miss out working on things with my soulmate? Then again, if I keep this cycle up, I may lose out on my real soulmate?
Customer: Do you think it's possible to take things slow with my ex, but still date other people?
Customer: Does that even make logical sense?
CoachJenK :

I hear the confusion and I would suggest that you do take some time for yourself....you don't need to date others during that time if you dont feel ready but maybe take the time to explore how you feel, what you want in a relationship, what exists with her and what hasn't been working, and why your happiness isnt the highest it can be. Once you take that time going through all of that your confusion will be less and you can proceed with making a decision then as to whether trying again is the best thing for you.

CoachJenK :

you make perfect sense.

Customer: I want to work on things slowly, but how is that even possible? I don't think I'm ready for a relationship right now, but then again I miss her and miss the comfort. I feel as if 1) I'm being selfish and using her for my own reasons 2) I'm trying to make things work because I don't want her to fall apart.
Customer: I feel so screwed up in the head that realistically, I can't be with anyone at this point.
CoachJenK :

I know how you miss her...that is normal. I think a great option is time for yourself to do the work i suggested above.

CoachJenK :

yes I know and that is why being with yourself is the best option.

CoachJenK :

give yourself that gift to understand all that you feel and want

Customer: Yes, you are right and this going back and forth is NOT healthy. I think I need more time than just a few weeks or even a month. I guess I just fear being alone, but I'm not being fair to her either by stringing her back along in this mess.
CoachJenK :

lets not put a time fram on how long you need. As you spend time with yourself you will know when you feel ready to try again with her or to put closure to it.

CoachJenK :

You sound wonderful and i highly doubt you will be alone.

CoachJenK :

You have great insight and compassion and those are things that lead one to NOT being alone.

CoachJenK :

but right now alone is where you need to be and that is a good space and not a bad one.

CoachJenK :

alone doesnt have to equal bad

Customer: But how do you really know when you should close the door?
CoachJenK :

when you take the time to explore all of the above and you truly believe that the issues that have caused the cycle of breaking up and getting back together are not going to change.

CoachJenK :

I like to say it this way...we all come with our own stuff and sometimes it is just how the "stuff" lines up and fits with another.

CoachJenK :

you will have "stuff" with anyone...we all do, but the fit has to be right.

Customer: Thank you so much for your words of advice. I guess I just feel when you have been in a relationship for so long... that should automatically be the person you end up with, but perhaps there is someone else out there for me who will give me everything that I want and more!
CoachJenK :

it is my pleasure. Time will tell where you end up with things. but paying attention to what you want and need is crucial.

CoachJenK :

that would be like saying the job you have been in for a bit time needs to be the one you stay in for the rest of your life...sometimes they are stepping stones to the next one and the first one gave you growth and insight for the next space in life.

Customer: We came to an agreement that we would work on things, but perhaps I should have just taken the time to be to myself and cut off the communication for a while.
Customer: You are so right!!
CoachJenK :

I think being with yourself is the way to go...if that agreement felt right in your gut I dont believe you would have reached out here.

CoachJenK :

You can come and request me anytime you need to process things.

CoachJenK :

I fI can support you anymore this morning please let me know. If not please take a moment to click on the rating tab to offer a rating of my work. My goal is excellent. Once you do that you will receive a copy of our time together for you to have and go over when you need to.

Customer: Thank you!
CoachJenK :

Stay strong and focus on you!

Customer: Will do!
CoachJenK :

Thanks so much. greatly appreciated.

CoachJenK :

Are you able to offer the rating now?

Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1785
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K.
Mental Health Professional
1785 Satisfied Customers
Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach