So, I continue to suffer through anxiety and depression after 6 long years, and after my latest low-point (back in Jan of this year) I am now going through some very irrational fears. Things I know are irrational, and silly, yet they impede me from actually doing them or living life. I get into my head and can't get out. I fear getting the mail, or taking a walk, or taking the dogs for a walk, preparing a meal, taking a shower.
I can't pinpoint the root of the fear, or the trigger, but every thought about doing these tasks makes me more prone to sitting on the couch and freezing into inaction. Paying a bill. Making a phone call. Talking with family. Sometimes even changing the channel on the TV. Every thought is negative. Every thing I see in life is catastrophized. I will be sitting outside having a cigarette, and I'll see a car driving too fast and I immediately think "What a jerk, he's going too fast, he's going to hit that car, he's going to hit that bicyclist" and this goes on in my head minute after minute with everything my eyes and mind see and process.
I play through 'imaginary' conversations in my head about situations that don't even occur--sort of a "this is what I would say if ABC said XYZ." For instance, when I smoke outside, and I hear a door slam or heavy walking in the upstairs unit I immediately think they are angry I am smoking because it is bothering them, smoke drifting up to their open patio door, etc. When I drive (which I currently don't any longer bc of fear and my reactions) and someone is tailing too close, I get infuriated and take it personally and then become enraged.
I am hypersensitive to anyone and everyone--and over analyze every piece of my life and my thoughts. I'm a business analyst and this analytical mind--which I once thought was such an asset to my career--is ruining my life and peace and sanity. I don't get panic attacks. I do not fear panic attacks. I actually have only had one or two in my life. It's the every moment, self-checking, how do I feel, what sensations, am I scared, what's happening tomorrow, next week, what happened yesterday, constant internal dialogue and memories of the bad... the psych hospital twice... the medications I don't want to be on the rest of my life. It's all so intrusive.
I can't relate to so many others out there or my therapist, because I hear others' fears stated as "Well, I don't go to grocery stores because I fear a panic attack" or "I avoid social interaction because I fear a panic attack" but I don't fear the panic attacks. I can't pinpoint what the fear is. But I won't take action and just 'do' or 'be.' So now I am beginning to think I am seriously mentally ill with no hope of moving forward. I'm a perfectionist. I have no self-esteem. I feel guilt about every little thing I may do or say. I feel like I have developed PTSD from the hospital psych ward, I am so scared of having to go back. Or going to rock bottom again as I did back in January. I am always irritated, agitated, angry at the world, because of the anxiety, depression, the physical manifestations... all I want to do is sleep after work because I am mentally and physically exhausted. I try to meditate, try to work on the items my therapist suggests but my mind just can't do it. Is this mental block, irrational fear... but lack of actual panic attacks part of anxiety? Just a different branch? I know what I need to do, I just can't do it. It's so hard to muster up the mental strength to do anything. Yet in my head it seems so easy, these tasks that I can't get done. Any books, advice on therapies, schools of thought to research?
Thanks for your time...