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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi I am a 39 year old black female who is unhappily married.I

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Hi I am a 39 year old black female who is unhappily married.I suffer with borderline personality disorder,schizoaffective disorder and bipolar disorder.3 years ago my husband moved us out to a rural area even though he knew i had a learning disability and couldnt drive a car.I have no friends here and i can only go out if i go if i ask my husband for a drive and he can say no when he wants.Before we moved here my husband told me he would divorce me if i didnt move with him-my mother helped us get our first home and we both owned the home so he needed me to sign to get the other home.He toldme if i didnt sign he would divorce me even though i didnt want to move.He wont compromise with me.I told him we could live in kind of a rural area but i where i have access to transportation but he refused my offer.also my inlaws have been living with us for 12 years and i asked my husband if they can get their own place but hes says they cant afford it so they HAVE to live with us.My husband hit me 3 times in the first year of marriage and we have been married for 16 years.he also hit me a month ago when i threw his book on the floor but it was only a light hit.I feel it doesnt count as abuse because a few times i have hit him first when he has gotten me really frustrated.Usually he has hit me back but not all the time.Im so confused.Im not attracted to him anymore as he yells at me all the time and I havecome to find his voice unattractive and him.We dont have any children.I would like to leave my husband but im scared.I dont work because of my illness and I have a hard time learning things so it would be hard to get a job.i have trouble taking care of my home because im so depressed and i feel i wouldnt be able to look after myself if i lived alone.im also afraid of having to go out to get groceries for myself especially in the winter and to go out other places because im so depressed.Im attracted to very young age,as young as 18 and i want to have a relatationship with a younger guy.Im only attracted to white guys as well.My parents dont want me to leave my husband.They say any man i got would physically abuse me because of my mental illness.I dont have enogh money to get my own place and my husband makes too much money so i dont qualify for ODSP.We are in alot of debt so he can only pat 550.00 a month for housing.that would mean i have to share my living place and i dont want to do that because i have trouble getting along with people because of my illness.I have nowhere to go and because im so isolated i have no friends.i want to move out and start over again.I want to find a boyfriend and guys seem to like me even though Im overweight.I guess its because im tall,very busty,with full lips and very long legs.but i still feel i wont be able to find somebody because of all my issues.At this point i feel my life is hopeless.im so lonely and just starving for a man to love me.I cant stand living in isolation anymore.Im so unhappy and i have nobody to turn to Please help me.Tell me how i can have a good life and be happy and get out of this mess.Thankyou.I also want to lose the weight,move back to Toronto and find a job and make some friends but im so scared.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like you are caught in an abusive marriage that has caused you to feel depressed, unloved and isolated. You mentioned that your husband hitting you does not seem like abuse to you because you have hit him back. But the fact that he isolates you, hits you, yells at you and does not listen to your needs or consider them at all does describe abuse. He has taken your freedom away and as a result, your relationship is unbalanced. Here is a link that can help you learn more about abuse and what you can do about it:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm

Feeling trapped and unloved can be the cause of your low motivation and depression. Your husband is not allowing you to have any choices in where you live, who you live with and how you conduct your life. You are trying to help by letting him make the choices but he is not including you in those decision or hearing what you need to make your life better and more happy. By ignoring your needs, he is saying to you that you are not important. And that can hurt you to the point that you feel depressed.

Your feelings about the past when you felt their was hope in your life shows that you are very unhappy where you are. You want to feel attractive again, which you do not get in your marriage, and you want to feel happy and loved. Those are very normal desires and you deserve to have those things in your life.

Support is the main key to getting your life back to where you want it to be. By reaching out to friends, family and counselors, you can get the support you need to re build your life and live like you wish to. The first step is to figure out who can help you and to talk with domestic abuse counselors who can guide you on how to get out of your marriage. They can also give you places to turn that will provide you with shelter and help with your income including assistance. The second step is to learn more about your choices. Here are some other resources to help you:


http://www.vaonline.org/dv.html


http://www.familyservicetoronto.org/programs/vaw/centres.html

It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence, 2nd Edition by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond by XXXXX XXXXX

Finding Your Way Through Domestic Abuse: A Guide to Physical, Emotional, And Spiritual Healing by Connie Fourre

With the right support and knowledge about your options, you can find a better life and be happier.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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