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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1785
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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SEXLESS MARRIAGE

Resolved Question:

I married 12/09 to a grade school sweetheart. when we re-united he was affectionate and we had a passionate intimate relationship. Right when we moved in together our sexual frequency went from 4 x per week to 1...if even. Then I asked what was wrong and he told me he has to take viagra and had been hiding it for over a year. Now it is the saddest thing about our relationship, he avoids me as much as possible sexually.  He has a lot of pride in his masculinity and also overcome heavy drinking 10 years ago. He also mentioned that when he had a hernia operation is when this impotancy started (12 years ago). He's gone to Kaiser Dr.s and they gave him topical testoserne ($600) didn't work!!! The Phd told me I was maybe putting too much pressure on it and should just back off and I have. But I admit I am resentful and unsatisfied!


I've tried to resolve and now I'm left with do I dissolve this?

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I am sorry to hear of this difficulty and it is not uncommon to be going through what you both are. A lot of insecurity may be coming up for him around his need for Viagra which has caused his desire to disappear.

CoachJenK :

I understand your resentment and frustration and he must feel it too possibly causing more shame for him as I am sure he wishes it weren't so.

CoachJenK :

I might suggest that you go to marital counseling with someone who specializes in sex therapy as there may be ways to rebuild the connection and intimacy that you once shared. It is so very difficult when libidos arent in sync.

CoachJenK :

In the meantime would he be willing to get intimate without the eventual goal of intercourse? Sometimes taking that pressure off and having him please you only could also be helpful.

CoachJenK :

you are thinking of dissolving the marriage as you are unfulfilled sexually and that makes sense, but i would hate for you to do that until all options have been tried. It sounds like you love him and he loves you.

CoachJenK :

hi

CoachJenK :

tell me some thoughts after reading what I wrote.

Customer:

Hi Jen, I know it is a issue he would rather not discuss. When I made the counceling appt I went alone, as he feels WE can work it out together and clearly that is not happening. The defination of insanity is doing the same thing and getting the same result...I think that's how the saying goes? It is amazing how he is so good at shifting the conversation, changing the topic and then when he does take the viagra sometimes he doesn't tell me and I fall asleep! He's told me I should just get a vibrator, or maserbate. I feel he's telling me it's my problem to take care of myself! When I suggest he take care of me without the viagra it's not even a possibility. The last few times we have had intimacy he hasn't made any effort in foreplay. Sorry to sound blunt, but it's just get on and get off. The lack of sexual intimacy is hard to deal with, but now it's basic affection, snuggling at night, sitting and watching tv, no public display of affection at all! I recently have been offending at his dismissal of my comments when we're with friends. When I bring any of this up, he promises to try, says he is not trying to hurt me intentionally and says I should be thankful I have a loyal husband who goes to work, doesn't drink etc. My apologies for the long explaination, but I'm out of ideas and feel desperate. Thank you for your suggestions

CoachJenK :

no apologies necessary. I am sad to hear how difficult this is and how closed off he is. Saying he will work on things and actually doing the work are two different things and it doesnt sound as if the latter is happening. Your descriptions give me a full picture and you are suffering.

CoachJenK :

you have a choice....let him know that he either goes to counseling or you cannot remain in a loveless marriage without affection.

CoachJenK :

I vibrator does not solve your desire to connect to HIM.

CoachJenK :

He is confusing the issues and I can see by his being closed to it all how very frustrating it is.

CoachJenK :

would he let you plan the times when he takes the viagra so you are not sleeping?

CoachJenK :

i hope you are not having technical difficulties. I am here. no worries.

CoachJenK :

If I dont get a response I will switch out of chat and we can still communicate but it wont be live chat. Sometimes there are issues in the chat. Sorry about that.

CoachJenK :

I see you typing now so hopefully it comes through

Customer:

I have asked him to take a viagra and he'll say later, because it makes me feel weird during the day and then later he finds something to avoid taking it like going to the gym at 9:00 pm then by the time he gets home it's pretty late and I hate to say it but I feel bossy and I'm just asking him to "do me" Which doesn't turn me on. I don't want him to feel bad, I try to support him and make appts for him, or counceling for us and it seems like our whole relationship is a roomate situation except I get the I love you's and a kiss hello and goodbye. I am very open to a great counselor who we would connect with and would be willing to go myself at this point, but it's for nothing if he's not willing.

CoachJenK :

I hear you. I think then I might suggest you sitting down in a quiet moment away from that tension and once again express to him how you feel unloved and desire affection and need more from him in this way. If there are things getting in the way then marriage counseling is the way to go and if he won't do it and care for you and your needs then yes you will be left with a decision as to whether to stay or go.

Customer:

No issues here, but thanks for letting me know. I guess at this point I can try to locate a councelor just for me? I have kaiser medical and saw two different people with no empathy or good solid choices for me.

CoachJenK :

where are you located?

CoachJenK :

a counselor without empathy is like a burger without fries!

CoachJenK :

its all about the fit so we need to find you someone with a good fit

Customer:

ha, so true, Dr. Wong the phd asked me what drugs I needed??? couldn't believe it! I'm in the San Francisco Bay Area.

CoachJenK :

ugh thats awful! you need love and affection and understanding. what is your zip and i can do a quick search...

CoachJenK :

certainly it wont tell their empathy but you will know when you make some calls.

Customer:

94018, I'm on the coast about 10 miles from San Mateo, 20 miles from San Francisco, I would love to find someone close by here in Half Moon Bay!

CoachJenK :

ok give me a moment while I look

CoachJenK :

I like her: http://www.coastsidepsych.com/

CoachJenK :

and one more. http://www.cmortonmft.com/

Customer:

ok, I'll look her up. Can you breakdown the type of therapy that is more interactive? not just the listener, I like lots of feedback and books to read and different ways I can move through this without getting sucked back into the same senario.

CoachJenK :

It seems by the look of their sites that they would both be very interactive.

CoachJenK :

the phds listen and the social workers and mft's talk

Customer:

Great, you've been very helpful, so far more than anyone! I assume I can log back in the future and let you know how it goes?

CoachJenK :

I am so happy. you can request me anytime by putting for coachjenk at the beginning of a question and it comes to me.

CoachJenK :

please take a moment to offer a rating of my work by clicking on the rating tab

Customer:

Perfect, you will hear back from me! You are logical and have been very kind regarding my feelings and I'm very appreciative!

CoachJenK :

It is my pleasure! Come to me anytime.

Customer:

thank you JenK!

CoachJenK :

best of luck let me know

CoachJenK :

you will receive a copy of this when you provide a rating so you wont have to remember the links.

Customer:

good as I was copying and pasting to word...my first time.lol

CoachJenK :

lol. Glad I said something. we are in sync!

Customer:

Yes, nice to feel heard! I'm going to rate you now and excellent service.

CoachJenK :

I appreciate that. And I do hear you and will support you anytime you need

Customer:

I feel better, it's amazing that's all most people really need is to be heard.

Customer:

goodbye for now coach JenK!

CoachJenK :

yes we all do and I completely understand how you are feeling now. go do something nice for yourself and just breathe.

CoachJenK :

bye for now

CoachJenK :

oops try again

Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1785
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K.
Mental Health Professional
1785 Satisfied Customers
Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach