Thank you for your question.
How do you tolerate this? Simply said, you cannot. A marriage is a equal partnership of trust where each spouse supports the other. You have clearly done so on your end. You have tried to regain and establish controls to stop his clearly damaging behavior. Sadly, those limits and controls have not been followed. Instead you are being lied to and also treated as the killjoy, the one who wishes to stop the "fun". He is reacting to you, not as a wife and equal, but more as a controlling parent with him as the "teen".
Impulse control issues are addictive. And, they are almost never about the impulse itself. Simply said, the behavior that is unable to be resisted is just a symptom. Actions taken to control that behavior are almost always futile as the real issue is emotional. It is often rooted in family development and there is usually a controlling parent or family member in that past. In men, the real emotional drives are hard to access without professional help as they are often deep hurts, vulnerability, feelings of betrayal and poor self esteem.
Your husband needs counseling, and if he will not go I would gently suggest you go by yourself if need be. This behavioral pattern is draining an discouraging and hurtful to you. You need support and often if you see someone it opens a door for him to come along in the future as men with this issue rarely go to therapy unless there is a very easy way to access it. If you are already seeing someone, that creates such a path.
This is certainly not your fault as I am sure you know. But trying to stop the behavior is not going to work as the problem is his unmet emotional needs. Seek out a therapist. Your family doctor should be able to provide a referral. And, encourage your husband to come along, even if only to support you in the process.
This is difficult to deal with, but getting him to see someone, even if he thinks he is there to support you is a first step. If he refuses he risks losing you as he is placing his own needs totally ahead of you. We all do this at times, but unless he is willing to look at the real source of this behavior he will not change. Steven