Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
I am sorry to hear of the strife in the relationship but also wish you congratulations on your pregnancy.
When you broke up the first time was there specific issues in the relationship that caused the break up?
I will wait for you to come online so we can chat about things and figure it all out.
The first time he and I broke up was because he said that he didnt want anyoneor anything to get in between hima nd his career. He feared I was going to hurt him or his career like his ex did to him. I reassured him that I wasnt but he said that he wanted to be with someone who was into sports and didnt already have kids. He also stated that he needed "space" to think about what he wanted to do but at the time he did want us to be together
I was living with him for about 2 months and during that time and decided to move out since he needed his "space" a week later I found out that I was pregnant.
Ok, and tell me about this other girl and when that took place?
It was thursday June 28th I was in my 4th day post surgery and he had been spending the night with me. I just moved into my aprtment so we were sleeping on an air matress. I ask him over txt that thurs afternoon what time he was planning on coming over and he said that it woud be late bc he had a game and wanted to go to the gym afterwards. I then told him that he didnt have to come over that night bc I was feeling better. His response was " Im not surprised. But Ok. Whatever..."
I called him to discuss why he responded that way and he said he knew I was going to say that. So I told him that I did want him to come over and I wasnt saying that I didnt want him to. I then sent another txt about 2 hrs later telling him that I wanted him to come spend the night with us and he said OK
I found his response odd as well
By this time its about 930pm and I txtd him to see if he was still coming i waited for abt an hr and no resp. so I called. no answer. My Best friend had my car at the time and I called her to let he know that Traves (my ex) wasnt coming over and If i had my car I would go over there to his place
she asked me if I wanted her to pick me up and I said yes, so she came and we drove to his place. When I got there, I seen a car that usually wouldnt be parked there and it had base stickers from ft mcpherson. I knocked at the dood and no ansewr
I stood there for about 3-5 min and then told my froend to take me home bc he was prob asleep. I got into the car and my friend drove from one end to the parking lot to the other and asked if i wanted to just wait there so I agreed
sounds very awful...I am listening
Then I got back out of the car just to put my ear to his door and I heard a female inside but wasnt quite sure if it was the TV or not. Then my friend came to the door and i told her to listen and hse did and we both heard the girl inside and then I hear Traves say "You want a blanket?" and from there I lost it
I can imagine. so very horrifying for you.
I was banging on the door soo hard that neighbors were coming out to see what was wrong. Traves then opened up the door but he didnt want to let me in so i pushed my way through and I was asking him who did he have in the bathroom and who was in his place.
I dont remember much after that except that I was on the couch and traves was on top of me shaking me by my arms and telling me to get off of him. I finally came to my senses and got up and askd him how could he dod this to me after telling me that he wanted to work things out and we agreed that there wont be other females involved so tha we could concentrate on us and our family
It will come down to whether you feel you can trust him again....where is he now on things? Does he want to work things out?
i got up and my friend and I left. I get home and then i get a call from the cops sayin they had a call for breaking and entering and was told to come to his place to be questioned
i told the police what happened. I guess the police office told him that he couldve gone to jail and that couldve been the end of his career. Ive apologized for my actions and the way things escalated very quickley but I wasnt expecting him to call the cops
he told me he felt it was the right thing to do bc he wasnt sure what I was planing on doing next. We have talked since then but he has really backed down and has let it be known that hes only here for the baby
I am sorry for all that has happened and sad that he made choices that were without care and regard for you.
it does not sound like he is the man that will be able to give you what you want in a relationship and be mutual and loving.
it may be that the relationship between the two of you only exists for the baby but not to be in a love relationship. he hasn't respected you for all this time and i dont see that changing unless he had a desire to look at his behavior rather than blame most of it on you.
I believe this is true also but he says that he doesnt blame anyone in this. I do blame myself though....a whole lot.
I can hear that...why do you blame yourself?
for having a normal reaction to his betrayal?
we work in the same place so he come by to see me every morning and even brings me breakfast. I told him not to come by anymore because old feelings get stirred up again.
I blame myslef bc I shouldnt have went to his place.
I know you feel that, but why wouldn't you? He was supposed to come over and you went there instead. He made the poor choice of being with another woman and being dishonest with you.
He never said that we were back together but he did say that we were workin on it. I put my child in harms way as well as myself being that I just had surgery
What do you want for yourself and the soon to be baby?
so you learn from this experience and how you behaved and you grow from it but that is not why the relationship hasn't worked so i dont want you beating yourself up over it.
I would really like to get over him but I feel like I am unable to and Im hoping that the baby would allow him to see that he does want a family. I want the baby to grow up with bith parents in the home. I promised myself that I would be put in this situation ever again bc I went through it with my 1st child
I truly hear a man that thinks more of himself than others, clearly wasnt thinking of you and HIS baby, thinks of his career.
Yes but as you know a baby cannot be the glue for any relationship.
he is not ready or capable of being fully present and yes it is extremely hard and painful for you.
I know these things but i just dont know how to move on. but yet i dont want to deny him from his child
How do you move on? Taking each moment at a time and appreciating him for what he will be and that is this child's dad and letting go over time the notion that there can be the right fit
Hes going to cuba in the next 2 months hes in the navy. I feel like he acts like this bc hes afraid of being hurt so he was all of these women that he sleeps with
i feel like he does want to do the right thing but finds it difficult to. He has tod me several times that hes scared..
and that may be, so you be the steady person and maybe in time as he matures a bit and the baby comes then he will want to work on things.
but in the meantime you need to focus on you and your child
as you focus on that you will feel stronger over time
you are right. so do i remain in contact with him or let him be the one to contact me?
Is he contacting you now?
your goal is to have him in your childs life so maybe you sit and talk with him about what you desire around that and come up with a plan that works for both of you.
yeah..but not everyday and when he does its about baby names or his parents wanting to tell me hello
It is not easy and I know that. You are strong....I hear that in you.
I dont feel like I am...
The very day contact may be more than he can give so you go about your life and live it.
I have very low self esteem and confidence in myself and I know he doesn like that abt me
does he plan to be at the birth?
I hear that oo but underneath it I do hear strength.
yes he is wanting to be there
You have courage
when you have this baby you will see that mother cub come out again.
I have faith in you.
he has put you through a lot that has shaken all of that for you.
you keep standing tall and fighting for what you want and need.
this baby gets one momma so stand up for yourself and your child.
Do you think that he will come around? what makes me still want to be with him? we talked about getting married and he would do sooooo much for me and I feel like I ruined that. All I want to hear from him is why or what was he thnking at that time
I dont see how he feels he did nothing wrong...
I dont know whether he will or he wont. Why do you want to be with him? Because you love him. I am sad to hear how you feel you have ruined things...his behavior was deplorable...to be brutally honest.
I truly see a man who thinks mainly of himself. You are pregnant and he is with another woman and then calls the cops?
I am truly only interested in you getting the strength to focus on you and your baby.
He has a lot of work to do on himself and unless he does that deep work, i believe his self centered behavior will continue
thank you. this is all so true! im really suprised by how things ended up with us. he seemed to be it for me and my son and now i am bringing another baby into this..
somedays i feel like i am unable to go on
Again be gentle with yourself. That baby is luck to have you and so is your son.
esp while carrying this baby. sometimes i feel like i shouldve been strong enough not to have it
You can go on....you are a mom and there are days where we feel so overwhelmed but somehow we do it
when you look into your little baby's eyes you will be thrilled you did
all will be okay.
i feel like an emotional wreck and i am tired of being treated like crap from these guys while i feel like i am honest
well you are now seeing some things that maybe you didnt see before and so you will know when to stand up for yourself.
your son needs you and so does your baby
thanks coach jen...is there a way I can req you again if needed?
yes absolutely....when we are done here I will ask that you take a moment to click on the rating tab to offer a rating of my work.
when you want me again when you start a new question...
put for coachjenk only at the beginning
and it will come to me
ok thanks! this is cheaper than going to my therapist! she hasnt really done anything for me. im sorry if I asked this before but i dont remember. Should I just let him come to me when he wants to talk? when he does contact me should i respond or ignore him? I find with any contact my feelings begin to get caught up again
You can come to me anytime. I wouldnt ignore him because you want him in the baby's life. Yes things get stirred because you love him but that will get easier in time as you gain clarity over what he is and isnt to you....give yourself that time.
I would love to support you again whenever you need it.
But i would let him reach out.
dont need to chase him
Thanks so much!!!
my pleasure and thank you in advance for a positive rating...I am not credited for my work without it.