I am not happy. My relationship with the most important 2 persons in my life is spoilt and I cannot help it. I thought I am the most important person to my mother as we have been for almost 40 years. I was closer to her than my sister and my dad. We used to have the same eye, the same feelings, the same judgements and I never got from her in all and every situation in life except what I expected from her that satisfies me, and vice versa. She was my soul mate. I can tell her anything and everything in my daily life and I always found my solutions with her.Now, she has changed since I had a problem with my brother-in-law. I expected she has the same reaction as usual, which is to let him understand that we are one family and in order that he is on good terms with them, he has to maintain a good relationship with me as well. But what happens is not the same. He and my sister are on very good terms with my parents and they excluded me from the warmth of this relationship.They enjoy each others in my absence and when I am around, I realize this friendly relationship and I cannot take it. I got the message from my sister and her husband: Take it our way or leave it. I cannot take and I blame my parents for that, especially my mom. I feel hurt and it ended up that my relationship with my mother is spolt. She doesn't understand me anymore or doesn't want to. She avoids discussions. I also do as I cannot imagine I can be the reason of any health problems for her and dad as theyare getting older.I feel lonely as I used to share everything in my life with her but I cannot do that anymore. I feel there is a gap between us. I need her but I cannot get closer to her. I am frustrated. Am I a bad person? a bad daughter? Please advise.
Welcome to Just answer !
Well, i empathize with you and can understand that you are feeling left out and all alone when your pillar of strength in the form of your mother has chosen to turn a blind eye to you due to some of her own valid reasons which must be justifying her actions in her own eyes.
not only left out but hurt
Your feelings of disgust and frustration and desperation are justified since now you do not have your alter ego to help and guide you through this journey we call as life.
But i will like to say here that life and the experiences which it brings along with it , teaches us something new each time and helps us to reinvent ourselves , find some strengths which we were unaware of earlier and also it shows us a ray of light that there is a always hope for us to weather difficult times..
ok, but this frustration remains there deep inside
I want to make things up with my mom
What i am trying to tell you here is that do not look at this unfortunate hurtful event in your life as a personal setback, but learn from this experience and think of it as a life changing moment where in the life and circumstances are teaching you to not to depend wholly on a single person now that you are an adul and mature person
i am not sayign that you do not reconcile with your mother./.
you do that ..
but not at the cost of loosing your dignity, and have some backbone ,
Ok I agree on the above.
But I don't know how to reconcile
may be your mother in her own silent ways is trying to let you go off and manage on your own
as she is not going to be there forever
yes I know. This is why I feel bad and guilty sometimes
you see the core issue is that you cannot see eye to eye with your brother in law
i don't think we can do it in a civilzed way
but that does nt mean that because of your strained relationship with him , you bring in your mother to a point where she has to choose between the two of you..
i did not mean that but I cannot take that she forgives and forgets everything
give her the liberty to be cordial with your sister and her husband but at the same time buy time for yourself also..
and is now normal
at her age with her many years experience she is above bitterness
and holding people in contempt..
what do u mena by : buy time for urself also
i mean to say that you have a heart to heart taalk with her
and tell her that you want her in your life but there are certain
and she doesn't agree to what I say
boundaries that you have laid out and you cannot cross them
and which include not being able to find yourself on the same platform as your sister and husband
so tell her that she will have to divide equal time for you as well as for your sister and her husband..
this is not the issue
so what is ?
we r all living abroad and we come for vacation at the same time
when we meet, I find out that my mother and brother-in-law are on very good terms while his keeping a distance with me.
so let him be ..
how does that effect your equation with your mother ..
and both my parents did not object
see you are all adults and your parents simply want to keep out of it ..
they forgave him as he is very nice with them
but very formal with me
my parents are doing many favors to him while his abroad
so you mean to say that you are being given a second rate treatment by your parents due to the brother in law's proximity
with them ..
have you confronted them ? i am sure you must have ..
so what do they tell you ?
there come times where he can offer help to me in a situation. He never offers help, nor my sister and my parents know very well they can simply offer help and make me avoid many troubles
he doesn't and my parents cannot confront me. They never blame him ormy sister even discuss it with me
and they still keep this very nice relationship
as I am an outsider
as long as everyting is going well with the 4 of them, excluding me as I am not a member of this family
I expected they convey a message to him: we r 1 family. To get our consent and the warm relationship, u have to be close to ur sister-in-law and be 1 family
but he made it his terms
i believe this is because your brother in law has been able to impress your parents and they now look upto him as a wise man and have given him the right to take decisions on their behalf..
and they took it
I feel very bad
and the impression of his is so strong that he is calling the shots and taking decisions which have been alientaing you in the bargain.
they did not allow him to take decisions but they took his decision
this is not fair
is what I expected from them right or wrong?
you are justified in expecting this from them ..
so I am not mistaken in expecting this from them?
you re not mistan in expecting this from them..
they should have been more concerned about you and should not have left you to fend off on your own..
But i feel now that you are not getting your dues and being sidelined , what you can do is to make yourself noticed by them ..
and this can be done by growing into someone whom they can be proud of ..
let your qualities take over all this neglect and let your achievements make them sit up and take you seriously , even your brother..
i feel all of the m are not taking you seriously..
and this is really frustrating.. that is to be treated as a second fiddle , as someone who's opinion is always undermined and who is not ther ein the same picture..
So, i reckon pleading them for including you in the same picture would be a big dent to your own self esteem and confidence and will project you as a sorry figure to them , which you should not like ..
so as they say , make yourself worth being noticed by all..
and stop complaining over this ..
although injustice has been done to you..
I don't get u..how to make myself noticed?
by doing well in your life..
not pleading them to be included in their talks..
\salvaging your self respect..
becoming emotionally independent of your mother..
and finally redeeming your self image of a confident individual ..
I have decided many times to be independant of my mother
but it is too difficult as I do really enjoy her presence in my life
you see when you cannot change others , then it is best to cha nge your own mind set, thinking pattern so as to make yourself independent..
and God knows until when she cld be there for me? So I decide to enjoy her as much as I can so I don't regret in the future
Well, a child - mother bond wil always be there between you and your mother
i am not saying that you give up that..
but for once stop complaining ..
and take the good and the bad both in your stride
I stopped but I am not at ease with ehr
there is this feeling of hurt at the back of each conversation
let some time pass by and you refrain yourself in touching this topic with her.,things wil get back to normal..
you will have to learn to overcome this hurt
but by projecti9ng this hurt onto your mother you will gain nothing
abut hurt her even more
and in return get hurt again..
but nothing shall change
as had it been changed it woould have changed by now..
time is a great healer and leveler
yes, it seems I have to stop complaining even with my sons
as time passes by things are going to improve between you and your mother
but stop complaining..
this does not work..
either find a solution to this , if that is not possible just take the wrong in your stride and go about your life
you see dejections and pain are part of our lives and so is the case with you.
i know there is deep seated hurt that accompanies you whereever you go and i know this is going to be there in your heart for years to come ..
I dont want that
I wish I cld be a happy person
so try to forgive your mother and others who have caused this pain..
the healing will start..
how can I forgive and I always remember the pain ddep in my heart
it is so hard
your hesrt is heavy with dissapointments , dejection , rejection , sense of betrayal by own parents ..
\these things do not heal overnight..
it takes time ..
it affects my relationships, even with my sons
but one way to deal with them is to learn to forgive people who have wronged you, it is their Karma
I am vulnerable to hurt
you invest your energy and time in looking after your own family and kids ..
as they say doing your own Karma..
I did forgive him but when I met him again and lived this vacation together I found out that hurt is still in my heart
this way you will overcome the pain..
have patience ..
I dpont understand karma concept
you are a human being and pain is a strong pervasive emotion, so it takes time to go away..
can u explain it to me
Karma is to dispose of your responsiblities and duties in life with utmost sincerity and stop expecting rewards for your deeds ..
this is karma
is this human?
I expect from my parents and kids
I need this
this is the warmth of my life
if we try we can definitely try to get close to it..
give me the guidelines to reach that karma
it is simple ..
first you got to give up on youu..r negativities for anyone who has wronged you or pained yo
try to oversee people's shortcomings and count their good points instead..
believe in doing your task / duty earnestly without expecting any rewards or accolades ( which will come your way eventually but rhe form may vary)
stop procrastinating and dwell on your primary duties as a mother and wiife ..
and please last but not the least learn to forgive people and if you do not think they share posiitve vibes with you , it is better you avoid them or atleast try to just be cordial with them ...
I know this is very difficult to practise ..
but if you try to incorporate soem of these simple points in your life , this will make you much more at peace within you and tranqulized ..
and then you shall not even remotely be concerned with other people 's arrogance and selfish streaks as you will be happy within your heart..
But remember this is not done overnight , but with honest intentions it does change your outlook towards life for good..
If somehow this is too much to bargain for , then i reckon you can seek help from a clin ical psychologist and start yourself on CBT
what is CBT
that is cognitivce behaviour therapy , which is a type of counseling that helps one to deal with personal setbacks , stressful situations, and depression ..
plus it teaches some mental strengthening exercises to make the person emotionally stronger
so as to weather and endure such life stressors and setbacks better ..
it takes place in one to one sessions between the psychologist and the person , in a very relaxed schedule of once a week session lasting over 12-16 weeks duration.
You may try this and seek help of a psychologist to help you to work out this issue and many more like this and overcome them ..
So i have laid down two approaches , as mentioned above but both act on the fundamentals of chainging one's mind set as one cannot change how other people are and behave.
i hope this helps..
yes, thank u. Can u explain to me how a son feels when a mother who lives abroad asks for care and love by a daily -basis sms/email
and gets upset when he forgets to do that or sometimes doesn't want to do that and feesl she is a burden
you are asking about mother's feelings or the son's
i do not think the son feels any less love for his mother , but yes at times some circumstances drive the sone to feel stifled with the expectations from the mother ..
and it is only due to this stifling feeling he garners such negative feelings , but that is not something he really wishes to do ..
I also have to stop complaining
that is the crux.
what if he gets used to that
I mean I ma not there in his life
i can understand the insecurity which clouds your mind but do not undermine his emotions for you
you see there is a saying the more you try to grab sand in your hands tightly the more it slips away..
the same thing happens with relations..
try to have formidable , deep relations woth son and parents but do not force yourself onto them..
this shall stifle them ., smother them under the burden of pleasing you and this will eventually drive them away..
i hoep you see the bigger picture here.
but it is very hard
but I wil try
what to do if I become weaker again
you should do that and hold onto this feeling of trying this honestly ..
how do I make myself stonge again
first things first ..
I will read the conversation
please initiate this
first and leave the rest for later..
dont get u
start this new experiencing of trying this and reinventing yourself , this shall only give you strength at times of weakness.
thank u for ur help
look at the positives and bright side of what you shall achieve through this ..
I look forward to peace and happines
I hoep things wil fall back into place and you will have restored healthy relationships with all
I wish so
Wish you all the best..
Take care and God bless..
god bless u too
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