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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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a while back my wife and i started a sort of fantasy role playing

Customer Question

a while back my wife and i started a sort of fantasy role playing where she would get extremely turned on by thinking of sleeping with two men at the same time, I dont know if I was ever one of them. she neve discusses the whole fantasy with me before or after and pretends like nothing happened. it turns me on to think of it but i can't see it being something i want to explore in reality with her. she is emotionally distant from me and it has been a struggle to yank her feelings and thoughts from her in our 8 years of marriage. i recently started occsionally checking her smartphone and always see that her history has been cleared off her browsers. my gut tells me something is going on evne if its only online. i have two kids, very young and cannot cope with the unknown for much longer. help
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

Sad as it may sound, you describe a relationship that is in trouble and has been for some time. You have suspected as much for your instincts and intellect have both been thinking in that direction.

Coping with the unknown can grip you with anxiety and make you feel that steel knot in your gut.

She is apparently not in love with you. The body language and affection are not there.

She has secret fantasies which she revealed to you, either because it was a slip of the tongue or because she has hinting at something.

She probably has secrets to hide because she has been clearing her smartphone history. This infers (but doesn't prove) that she is emotionally cheating on you at the least..

You don't need physical proof to know that your marriage may be in jeopardy, but it might help you if you want to act to resolve this constant gnawing stress.

You did mention spying. You can by remote devices so small that you can hide them easily, that will record conversations clearly. If you had one or two hidden in places where she is most likely to use her phone, or in her handbag, or car, you could possible learn more about her secret life.

You could even hire a private detective. If you need to know, you can find out.

You could actually talk to her and tell her that you feel that your relationship is in trouble. Do not tell her about the snooping as she will use it against you. Tell her that you would like to go with her to a marriage and family counselor and try to work things out before things get to the tipping point. This is a reasonable request.

If she refuses you can continue to live as you are living, or consider separating.

One other thing: your wife may be suffering from depression (and if she recently gave birth, it could be postpartum depression). This is the one other possibility that could make her seem so distant. I know that there are other factors that this does not explain, but it is worth considering..

I would try to take as many positive steps to reconcile with her, and to uncover some of the unknowns before you you anything drastic.

It is time for action, however, and I wish you the best in sorting this out and having the happy family life that you want and deserve.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
i greatly appreciate your advice as you have basically re-confirmed many of my thoughts and gave me many more things to consider. much appreciated. Beacause of our cultural expectations and having kids in the middle, i greatly fear what will become of her outside and moreso, worry of the impact on my little children. thanks though
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Dear R,

Thank you for your affirmation and for your high rating. You do have a lot to be concerned about. My prayers are with you in finding some way to help your wife get in touch with her true values (I assume they are there and can trump her fantasy world).

Warm regards,

Elliott

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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
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35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.