Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.
as it may sound, you describe a relationship that is in trouble and has been for some time. You have suspected as much for your instincts and intellect have both been thinking in that direction.
Coping with the unknown can grip you with anxiety
and make you feel that steel knot in your gut.
She is apparently not in love with you. The body language and affection are not there.
She has secret fantasies which she revealed to you, either because it was a slip of the tongue or because she has hinting at something.
She probably has secrets to hide because she has been clearing her smartphone history. This infers (but doesn't prove) that she is emotionally cheating on you at the least..
You don't need physical proof to know that your marriage may be in jeopardy, but it might help you if you want to act to resolve this constant gnawing stress
mention spying. You can by remote devices so small that you can hide them easily, that will record conversations clearly. If you had one or two hidden in places where she is most likely to use her phone, or in her handbag, or car, you could possible learn more about her secret life.
You could even hire a private detective. If you need to know, you can find out.
You could actually talk to her and tell her that you feel that your relationship is in trouble. Do not tell her about the snooping as she will use it against you. Tell her that you would like to go with her to a marriage and family counselor and try to work things out before things get to the tipping point. This is a reasonable request.
If she refuses you can continue to live as you are living, or consider separating.
One other thing: your wife may be suffering from depression (and if she recently gave birth, it could be postpartum depression
). This is the one other possibility that could make her seem so distant. I know that there are other factors that this does not explain, but it is worth considering..
I would try to take as many positive steps to reconcile with her, and to uncover some of the unknowns before you you anything drastic.
It is time for action, however, and I wish you the best in sorting this out and having the happy family life that you want and deserve.
Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC