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Bill
Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience:  35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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Ive been dating a woman who I love dearly but was severly abused

Resolved Question:

Ive been dating a woman who I love dearly but was severly abused mentally and sexually by her ex and early life at home. I understand she is still healing and have been dealing with her issues while trying to show her a normal healthy relationship with love, it has had major ups and downs. We have now seperated because she was acting odd with texting on her phone and I saw some text messages to an old sex buddy which she said how much she loved him but it wasnt reciprocating and he kept saying sexual things , she responded she couldnt have sex because she is going through issues plus she is with me even though she doesnt love me, yep.Well I confronted her and have heard every excuse in the world from I wasnt suppose to see it to she didnt mean that . The problem I told her was it shows no respect to me or our supposedly love and she got offensive and said she wont be told who to be friends with. So we are seperated but she says she wants to work it out but still says I was wrong in looking but I have to deal with her friend. Which I will not do. So am I off base???
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Bill replied 1 year ago.

Bill :

Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.

Bill :

I am sorry to hear about what you have been going through in this relationship.

Bill :

In reading what you have written, although I know you have fond feelings for this person, her history of unresolved abuse and relationship issues if not a good foundation for any lasting relationship and there is little you can do but to accept this and move on.

Bill :

I wish I had better news for you but these are the dynamics of relationships with those who have so much psychological baggage that they have extremely poor coping skills, judgement and ability to sustain a mutually lasting relationship.

Bill :

Now that you have separated is a good time for you to really take a step back and try to examine the conflict between what you feel in your heart and you know in your head.

Bill :

In you heart, you have feelings for this person, although your head tells you that this is not stable and you are on thin ice.

Bill :

Pay attention to your head and your gut feeling about this relationship and you will get on the right path.

Bill :

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change her. If you could- you would have done so.

Bill :

Therefore, the only true control you have is over you.

Bill :

You need to ask yourself why you don't deserve more from a relationship than all of this drama.

Bill :

Does this make sense to you?

Customer:

Yes thank you for confirming and your time sir

Bill :

You are most welcome. This is a relationship with no future.

Bill :

I appreciate your positive feedback as it is the only way I receive credit for my time.

Customer:

I was trying to work it out with her therapist and do couples therapy but it seems no use


 

Customer:

Thanks again


 

Bill :

Nope- I have been in this work for 35 years and I can tell you that you will be spinning your wheels.

Bill :

Here is a good article for you to read:

Bill :

I wish you the very best. Go and get someone that doesn't have all the baggage.

Bill :

Best regards. Bill

Customer:
Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience: 35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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