Hi! What sort of advice are you needing?
Are you having trouble in your relationship with your partner?
I met a very nice and charming man at the beginning of the year after being married for 7 years and having separated only last year. I liked his ways a lot and though I did not think I was ready for a new relationship I wanted to give it a try. I told him from the beginning that I still needed some space after coming out of a controlling and hurtful relationship. I liked the fact that he was very understanding and seemed to have his own life and his own friends mainly because this is something I did not want to give up again myself.
I am quite independent and like doing things separately occasionally and thought this was no problem for him also. Since we met we spent almost every weekend and one day during the week with each other, we live about 40min by car from each other. 6 weeks ago all kinds of problems kept creeping up and he became ever so controlling the more he fell in love with me. I think with his former partner, who died 7 years ago, he used to do everything together but I am a bit different. We have many mutual interests and do a lot together which is equally important to me as to him - but I still feel that I also need my own space a couple of nights per week to relax and simply have some ‘me’ time which I deserve after my previous relationship. But this is also the way I am, I don’t have to be clued together in a relationship 24/7 as long as there is trust! I trust him completely even though I have less reason to since I have been betrayed badly by my ex. He on the other hand had a lovely relationship with his wife who died 7 years ago. He also had much more time to get over the death of his wife, I hardly had any time to recover from my previous relationship. I thought he would be understanding and was in the beginning but now it seems like he just wants everything his way. I fell in love with him and was very committed and faithful despite the fact that we live apart and don’t see each other every day. He is also 15 years older than I and partly retired meaning he has a lot more time on his hand than I do. Some evenings I simply need to myself to do things in my flat, see friends etc. I once mentioned that I still want to be independent and he took it completely the wrong way but I have since explained that I just need some days where I can have a bit of time to myself. I always told him that I loved him, adored him etc. and that he can trust me as I am faithful to him. It has only been about 5 months that we have met but he was thinking of moving in together. He has become increasingly jealous and I feel a very restricted by this. I don’t give him any reason to not trust me but I am an open and friendly and funny character and don’t want to feel that I have to change my ways. On one hand he wants me to tell him everything on the other he takes things the wrong way. His confidence has gone down so much and whereas before I completely adored him for his uncomplicated ways I am now not sure anymore. We parted arguing a few days and I have not heard from him but since he hurt me again I did not want to make contact now. We were about to go home to see my family in a week’s time but I am now not so sure whether to even go with him. I would not want to be under a lot of stress with him when seeing my family. He has also taken up counsel, which is great but so far I have not seen any improvement, he seems so serious all the time. I still wonder what has triggered this, I was so happy – maybe he was not. Maybe he wanted more too quickly but now he achieved the opposite because I am drawing back.
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX tried to communicate and it seems to work and I am always very happy when it does but then it starts all over again when he gets into a strange mood. I believe we think different in what a relationship should be like. From what I gather and what I explained about doing my own things sometimes he would only tolerate it but not like it - this could be thrown back at me at any time.
I wonder whether I should be the one contacting him now or just leave it. It does not make things easier that we were going away on holiday next week for him to meet my family and I am not sure whether to contact him at all?
Thanks for your advise.