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Great. Let's hope this works.
Tell me what happened today with Dr. M and Dr. S....
Let me post it..
I do wish you the best. From a distance, I am still rooting for you.
I've read this through.
He has given you a very honest answer.
Dr. S, gets more weird by the sessions. I think he has a bit of "Flight of Idea's" going on. Sometimes he says things that really make sense. Other times, I find it difficult to follow and many of his thoughts seem highly speculative at best. I discussed with him Dr. M and the fact that he refused to take me back. He suggested that that was "abandoning" on his part. I just blame myself, honestly.
That letter hurt!
Tell me what words or parts hurt you
I really thought he'd take me back. It was not the reply I expected. But why not? I was VERY honest. I told him he was negligent, that he let me get sick and didn't do anything about it. I told him he left me feeling empty, that we didn't connect. That my husband thought he was unethical. Why on earth would he take me back? He shouldn't!
But here I am, devastated, nonetheless.
I blame myself. You will say I shouldn't. It doesn't matter what you say because had I not said all those things, I'd have a standing appointment right now. I probably wouldn't be helped and I'd likely be in a worst place. Confusing, right? Tell me about it. But it irrelevant now, seeing him is off the table.
Yes..you are right...I would say you should not blame yourself. That he has some responsibility here and that there were 2 people in this dance.
Yes...you should always tell the truth. If you had not been honest..you would have been in a false relationship and where would that have gotten you? No where.
So...yes...the botXXXXX XXXXXne is that he is off the table and that you can:
revisit the folks you have already interviewed and seen
I feel sickly sad, Dr. Levang.
take a look at who else might be a match
Yes...sickly sad...that's a good description...
I wish I could stop crying, but I can't. I feel a loss.
And what do you think that loss is?
I feel like I lost and disappointed a friend.
Okay. I agree that there is loss here...
Why do you think you disappointed Dr. M?
This is not the journey that I envisioned taking when I began therapy. I never thought I'd feel a connection to someone who was so right and so wrong for me and I never expected to feel this level of rejection and resistance in finding someone new.
I think I disappointed him by being so hard core about what I wanted.
It's just crappy to be me right now.
I agree that this has not been the journey you would have wanted to take..or even envisioned.
Dr. M did not reject YOU. He rejected the therapeutic process...he decided he could not commit to therapy.
I don't see how you could have disappointed him by knowing what you wanted and needed.
I guess it's hard to understand.
I think you need to take "you" out of the situation and look at this as about a process...and his saying No to that process.
A process that involves two human beings, both with emotions, him being the "leader" of this two man team, and he just decides that he's abondoning his agreed upon role. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me, but I'm still hurt by it, regardless of the logistic reasoning.
And absolutely when you see this as a 2 person team...and one backs out...then it is crushing and sad and disappointing and hurtful...and maddening and confusing and so forth.
And yes...your feelings are your feelings and no one - including me - has any business negating those or challenging them.
I just want to grieve the loss. I don't know why I care so much but I do.
I'm sensitive I guess. It's who I am. Dr. S told me at my appt. that there is one thing that is lacking in my personality.
Can you guess what it is?
No... I can't imagine what he is talking about...self-regulation?
I'm never angry.
I'm sad. But I can't even tell you the last time I felt anger. But it's probably been years.
And why do you think that is
I just don't think it's an emotion that has ever felt productive. I never felt like it was going to serve me, so I've just never been angry.
And did he suggest that you need to get in touch with anger?
And I've had so much horrible crap happen in my life, that most people have never gone through and all I think about is "Tanya, you're a 35 year old wife and mother. It's time to put your big girl pants on and move on!"
He just said that I should be angry.
And the "should" was about what?
About my past, I guess.
And what do you think about that idea...that you should be angry about your past?
I think I probably should, but what does that get me? Nothing.
What do you think you should be angry at?
Do you want me to go into details?
No...but I just wanted to know if YOU think you should be angry...versus someone telling you you should...
As you say...what would it get you? and it's not an emotion you have felt practical or useful for you...
I don't think you ought to be talked into something ....
Yes, I think I should probably be angry. But it's not an emotion that flows out of me easily. I don't think it serves any purpose to my healing in therapy and it's just not who I am.
So as far as I'm concerned, Yes, he made a valid observation, but I don't think it's an "ah-ha, get angry and you'll be fine" sort of thing.
Anger is a valid emotion and there would certainly seem justification in your life story to be angry. And...I agree...it is not likely the end all be all for you...
And certainly it may just rise up naturally in the course of therapy...and that might be for the best.
Maybe. But I'm soooooooo far from that right now.
I don't even know what therapy looks like or feels like.
What I do know, is that what happened today feels like a set-back and I have to work harder to stand back up again.
This has become mission impossible.
I just don't even know where to turn at this point. Every option feels like way more effort that I can give right now.
How was the session with Dr. S?
What about the new psychologist you found at the women's center?
I didn't call them.
I was waiting to hear back from Dr. M, and then I had to go for my appt. with Dr. S.
He's just to weird for me.
He's all over the place with his ideas like he's schizophrenic or something. And he has a stutter and its hard to understand him. Or I find that I finish his sentences.
It's just not someone I can see sticking with long term.
He's is nice enough, but he's a "No".
Maybe this guy? Some people in this practice participate with my insurance. He doesn't. I don't care anymore.
I'm just seriously confused.
Let me look at him...be right back...
Not someone I would recommend....
too process oriented and not focused enough on solutions...
I guess I'm not looking at the right "qualifications". Oy vey, this is just impossible. :(
I'm done looking.
I'm done going.
I'm not doing this anymore.
Me: "Hey Doc, it really hurts when I keep going to see these therapists that don't work out" Doc: "Than stop doing that!".
When I read through biographies, I am focusing on what skills and abilities they bring to the table that will match with the presenting issues from the client.
Ok, you know what you are looking for. Obviously, I don't.
In your case, he is highly focused on the process of therapy. That is well and good for someone who has tons of time and wants to examine the details of their life. That's not you.
You need someone to focus on solutions right now and to bring relief.
When I read that biography I did not see symptom relief...
I don't think I'm ever going to get that. I've resolved myself to looking at this bird cage I'm in and calling this "home".
Yes...you are going to get that.
But I do think that Dr. M was right in saying that you can't focus on liking the therapist...that it has to be about that possibility of trust and about someone with the right skills and abilities..and...the schedule to meet your needs.
But liking someone is important to me.
I understand the fatigue you are experiencing with this therapist shopping. It is an exhausting process...I really can't imagine how you have withstood this...
Yes...I understand that...but it can not be the first thing - or only thing - to focus on. It has to be about the trust...the liking can come later.
In my experience, the liking means that people stay in therapy with someone they "like" but who isn't competent enough or isn't the best/right fit.
Liking can get in the way....
Liking is too messy.
I encourage you to rethink the people you have rejected. Instead...who had the skills and abilities...
I understand what you are saying, but I'm not going back to any of the people I've seen. They are not the ones.
It seems that Dr. S is out...Dr. I did not have time...Dr. K? not sure where he stands...you seem to say that he gave you a hard time about Dr.M and that bothered you.
Okay...fine then don't go back to any of them.
Why don't we do this..you come up with a list of people...give me the internet addresses. I will look them over and give my comments. I would be willing to be helpful in that way. If you don't want that kind of help from me...that's fine. I am just making an offer.
It's a thoughtful offer, thank you.
Thanks for spending time with me tonight. I really feel like I need to take a couple of weeks off and come back to this with a clearer head. Right now, my emotions have the best of me.
That's fine Tanya. I am here for you.
Thank you for that.
If you would like me to review some possible therapists...just let me know. Otherwise...yes...let the therapy piece alone for awhile. Let the medication get up and going...
You are very welcome Tanya.
Ok, thank you.
I can't tell you enough how truly sorry I am and how frustrating this is on my end as well.
I'll say good night now.
I appreciate that. You have been the one consistent, positive, professional force in my life--you have no idea how much your advice and encouragement influences me.
My honor Tanya!
I look to you because I trust you. I wish you could do more. But I understand your limitations.
It isn't easy for you to trust and so I value that you are able to let me walk with you.
I'm staying positive...and I hope you can too...even if just a bit.
Bye for now.
Good night, Dr. Levang.
And a good night to you Tanya.
Don't say no.
He called me. He's not back in the office until 9/4. On Vacation in Maine. Seems very sweet and willing to help me. He's calling me on 9/2 to schedule an appointment. He gave me his personal cell number and told me to call if I needed anything, that he didn't want me to be alone in this. For the first time, I feel like at least someone cares enough to call me back. The one month delay might just be the one thing I need to clear my head in this. What do you think?
I canceled ALL my appointments. No more with Dr. K or Dr. S. I'm "single" and "looking"! ;)
I just wanted to check in before I go to bed. Yesterday, I was really upset about Dr. M. It felt like huge loss in my life, and I didn't forsee getting over it any time soon. I went to bed last night and tossed and turned for nearly two hours. But you know what? I slept through the night. I got up this morning and I felt a little lighter than I have felt in months. I took my children to Chick-fil-a appreciation day and then to a school get together at a playground near our house. I saw many of my teacher friends and reconnected, and I started to feel better. I don't think I realized how much pressure I was under both with Dr. M and with all the interviews. I made a conscious decision to walk away, and I feel better for it. I'm riding this wave. It feels good. Let's hope I have another good night tonight.
I just came on a few minutes ago.
I will read your post and then reply.
I'll also check the psychology today.
I read the bio...looks fine. He's been in practice a lengthy time.
He appears to have gone above and beyond in making a connection with you.
Well...his bio reads well and he has worked "hard" to make you feel welcome, seen, and to be accomodating.
Those are all things that lead me to say Yes to him.
You know how I feel about the lack of phone calls!
Unfortunately, you cannot set high expectations...but reasonable expectations are in order...
Yes...and that's the frustrating point for me...
Yes...hopeful is a good place to be...not overly hopeful but "mild" hopeful...
How are you feeling about seeing the psychiatrist?
How are the meds feeling?
Great! That's wonderful news. Really wonderful....
I hear that is a very good school.
I am very happy for you....finding our passion in life is one key in our happiness!
WOW! To the med side effects leveling off.
Are you feeling any differences emotionally because of them.
It takes up to 6 weeks for the meds to fully be on board...
So...it will slowly, slowly take effect...
Just be patient...most people say that all of a sudden one day they just realize they are feeling happier...
I'm sorry about that....but you have to trust that the medication will work...and that it will prove the right choice over time...
Yes...I can understand how you lost sight of your passion....when we are in physical and emotional pain then the focus just becomes that world.
Yes to having that kind of support behind you...that is awesome, awesome!!
Waiting a month is not unreasonable....IF you are doing something in the meantime...some homework.
I think you considering going to school and working on that is a positive...
I think reading that brain book is one good thing...I would see that as homework.
I'm still thinking....
Yes....I'm just fine.
I was trying to think of some nice homework for you...
I'm sorry JustAnswer gave you that response.
I'm not sure. I'll check that out.
I'm okay...and thanks for caring.
I'm just trying to be thoughtful with you. You've had so many peope dabbling in your life...all with different viewpoints and opinions. I want to make sure that what I say is helpful and respectful and not more confusing or upsetting.
Dr. Jamieson is appealing. I do want you to heed Dr. M's thought about "liking" versus competence, commitment, and trust.
I imagined that the picture he posted struck your mothering heart...and that was part of what made him appealing.
That's perfectly fine...but I want you to be honest to yourself about that aspect so that you don't get your expectations up and then feel disappointment if that appeal is not as strong when you meet him. Do you understand my point?
On the one hand the picture is sorta a Norman Rockwell-ish sort of portrayal....and that would be appealing to many, many people. Certainly more so then a picture of Dr. S!!!
But again...it's what you said about reasonable expectations...and what I say about looking for that "possibility of trustworthiness"...
Very good Tanya!
We are on the same page here.
...look homeless...that's a good one!
Good sign...the guy has humor....
Isn't it funny how you can say a word and then the picture pops in your mind...
well...let's say...people who look like crazies...
that maybe ought to have a fashion 101 class...
scary stuff for sure...
I hear you....
Yes...bonding is another aspect of trust...
And absolutely...there is a job to be done...and it would be great to get that headed in the right direction...
I'm glad the psychiatric piece is in place and is stable...
Did you tell him about that?
That you are on medication and are being monitored by a psychiatrist...
Very good....I think you are off to a good start with him....
You've been honest and upfront and that will bode well for your first meeting with him.
And I do agree that all those interviews likely were very taxing and put enormous pressure on you. So to take a short break here...let the dust settle...get geared up to go back to school...enjoy the rest of the summer...very good.
I like that alot.
It shows he is open. He is saying...I am opening a door for you and if - or when - you feel comfortable you can come on it and sit awhile.
Yes. I would and do do that.
I'm sorry. Truly I am.
The therapeutic relationship is not like any other kind of relationship. It is built on openness and a willingness to be seen and to see others.
Well...I want my profession to treat people well and it is a poor reflection on all of us.
He doesn't have to know you at this point. He WANTS to know you is what is important here.
If you have a crisis. If you have a question about seeing him.
Yes...I can only imagine how strange that sounds to you...
If something comes up and you feel you want his advice about...
I hesitated to use it...but it's what he is indicating....
I know you don't like that...but yet it also is a good thing...
Great. What did you find out...
You already have a cadillac program from what I understand...
That's a very good option.
Yes. That's true.
I would wholeheartedly agree!
Well...I'd better say goodbye Tanya.
You take care! I think you've made some very healthy new decisions...
There's that word awesome again!!!
I'm going to have a hard time getting the image of a homeless therapist out of my mind today!
Well...if you got a few extra chuckles out of it...that's a bonus!
Take care! Enjoy the day.