Hey Kate. I don't feel good about my appointment with Linda. She wanted not to go into anything intense, which was fine, but she wanted to talk about "who I am" and my "attributes" and that I'm a "good person.". Yeah - that is not going to work for me. I'm not playing that stupid game.
We talked about how to get rid of the shame feelings. I told her I wanted to work on that, because as the guilt got better, the shame/humiliation/embarrassment seemed to get worse. She kept asking me what would help with that. How should I know? She said that without so much guilt, she thinks my memories are probably more authentic and thus more raw, and I probably see more of the brutality and randomness or whatever of what especially the mean one did
. I don't know. Maybe.
I tried to tell her - maybe I feel ashamed because these things ARE shameful. I will NEVER be proud of what happened or what I did. How can I NOT be ashamed and humiliated by the fact that I swallowed a man's urine? That they virtually mutilated me inside? That he tore me open having anal sex with me? That it ever happened??? I will NEVER want people to know these things. I think that is probably pretty reasonable under the circumstances. Does she really think that self-affirmations will alleviate that ? She told me when I looked in the mirror to say nice things to myself. Right. She said to at least not say bad things. I told her I didn't talk to myself in the mirror. I was trying to explain things to her. It is upsetting. I didn't cry, but I was upset thinking about things. It's UPSETTING. But she stopped things. And she suggested I not come back until next week. I said fine. I feel like now she is saying there Is something wrong with getting upset and that I can't handle it. We also talked about her asking me about the suicidal stuff on Friday. I told her what I had thought Thursday but, again, that is something I would never do. She said she didn't think so but wanted to make sure. Then she asked me to promise to call her of I ever did think about doing it. Really? Do I seem suicidal to you? Do I seem that desparate? Give me a break.
So for some reason I feel really mad. I feel like things have changed with her because I have been getting so upset and because of the flashback. She said she had never seen me act that way - that I was almost reacting to impact after impact. First, that makes me feel bad. Second, do you think it scared her and now she doesnt want to risk me getting upset? I am really pissed, and I don't know exactly why. I mean, I am so mad. Why? There's really no reason for it. But I am. And I feel like just handling this by myself. I can go back when I have better control.
Also, I think I told you I had left dr. M a message Friday, asking if there was any chance that the increased dose of Zoloft could have the opposite effect and make me feel worse. She called me back today and said no, it really shouldn't. She sad
she thinks i am just grieving and that's why I am upset and that it's fine to grieve. She said that if I wanted to, though, I could go back down on the dose. I said "well, if I do that, will that make me feel worse?" she said it very well may. Then she was silent. Not helpful. I told her I'd Stay on the higher dose until my next appointment then. She said okay. I think I need to get totally off of it. I don't want to keep going back to her every month. I wouldn't - because I could care less about the other meds - except that the adderrall really is a big help. If I go back to my GP and tell him I've been on the XR &IR for 4 months & it's helping but dr m doesn't take my insurance so I don't want to have to pay a ton every visit, do you think he'd just start prescribing it to me? Again, I don't care about the Zoloft & Wellbutrin (except that the Wellbutrin may be helping with the ADHD along with the adderall. But I'm sure he'd prescribe that too. Thoughts??
Meanwhile, some good news. A new person from the family advocacy program on c's base called. She said I could not have put together a better packet of stuff for them. She said they think something is seriously wrong there and they were taking it very seriously. She said she was working with the CPS caseworker I spoke to last week and they now both have reviewed everything. She said this kind of abuse is harder to prove than if there are visible bruises or scars, but that we put them in the best possible position. She said they would do everything they could. She said there's a limit to what she can tell me b/c of privacy laws, but she would be calling to tell me anything she could as this goes on. She said we were right to report it, etc. I was surprised. I didn't think I'd hear from anyone up there again.
However, c's mom sent p an email telling her she has no idea what she's done, that she has ruined c's dream of being a teacher (really? He's too lazy to get up and feed his kid, but he's suddenly going to college? And she herself heard his wife say he wants to be a Tay-at-home dad and things woul gt better when she got Ho e because they were going to have another baby right away) & ruined his wife's military career and ruined A's life by killing her parents' dreams. That p was judgmental & did this b/c c didn't keep A as clean as p would have liked, etc. She said if she had thought for one minute there was a problem, doesn't p know that she would have gone up and gotten A? That's interesting, considering she agreed 2 weeks ago there was a real problem and was supposed to go up there and didn't. She totally threw in p's face that p was unable to have biological children. She was nasty and awful. I feel so bad for p.
I want to tell her I reported it, not P, and that a bunch of us were in agreement. She won't stand a chance confronting me. I'm smarter than her & not as nice as p. plus - I'm right about this. She knows how it would turn out, which is why she is going after P. It is unfair. P is an rasy target because she puts everyone else's feelibgs before her own, and that is easy to exploit she will rake reaponsibility for anything someone blames on her. It is not fair. Should I just leave it or tell her she needs to lay off p and that she is full of it? She knows we are right. She has to know. But she acts as though p purposely ruined their family. P loved her brother and I know it kills her to have hurt his family. But I keep trying to remind her how upset he would be if he were alive to see what his son was doing.
T (Another of P's sisters-in-law, S's wife) told us that when c and his sister were pretty young, he had marks on him from being hit and his teacher called CPS, so c's mom probably feels strongly about it. I had no idea, and it made me question my thoughts about P's brother. Ihe was so gentle by the time I met him. But S said he and J had a falling out because S visited them in TN once and discovered that D (c's mom) had put locks on the outside of the kids' doors when hey were pretty young and would lock them in their rooms a 8pm until morning. He was irate about it and that his brother was letting her do it. Things were screwed up. I had no idea. P didn't either. Oh well. Should I contact D to stick up for P and so they can take it out on me instead of her, or should I do nothing?