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What is it about suicide that bothers me? For one, I think it is about the most selfish thing anyone can do. No matter what, it leaves everyone around you feeling guilty and responsible. Also, I think that the threat of it is sometimes used by people to manipulate others.
I guess I was mad about Linda asking me because it implies that she thinks I am weak and can’t handle this. I guess that it also felt that it implies that this is a more serious thing than I would like it to be. Plus, the fact that she initially brought it up Friday, when I was already feeling weak and unstable, made me feel more so.
I feel like this whole thing has grown out of proportion. Am I really having conversations with my therapist about suicide? It just has become where it is being treated so seriously, and I guess that’s my own fault. But I don’t like it. I feel like Linda seriously feels she has to hold me below a certain amount of upset so I don’t lose it like I did Thursday. She said yesterday we need to keep the SUDS below a 6, preferably below a 5, because she thought it was 7 or higher on Thursday, and it is "too much" for me. I mean, I’m sorry I had a flashback and I’m sorry I have been getting so upset, but I thought that was okay. I don’t know why I had the flashback - I don’t know what was different than the few previous sessions, where I was even more upset. And I don’t know why I do things when I am having them. I thought I was still when they happened before, although I know during the one I had during the session where we tried EMDR, I was covering my ears and stuff. I am sure it was disturbing to watch, and I am disturbed that it happened and embarrassed that I acted out, but I feel that she is acting like that was dangerous or something. Or maybe it’s because I was so upset for the next couple of days. I don’t know.
I still feel really mad. Not specifically at Linda – but it is specifically related to therapy and my session yesterday. I want to not need therapy and be able to handle this on my own.
As for the shame thing, I do understand what you are saying and what Linda was trying to do. But telling myself I am a good person is going to have zero effect. I feel fine about myself. I agree about what you said – I know I feel sometimes that something is wrong with me that this happened or something is wrong with me because this happened. It does say something about who I am, because it happened to me. I can’t change that. I did, in fact, change from a person who couldn’t be treated in certain ways and would not ever compromise certain things to a person who can be and was treated in those ways and knows that I will, indeed, compromise those things. Actually, I don’t know if it changed ME – I think I just found out more about myself than I knew before. The same as I found out that many of my assumptions about people and the world were wrong, I also found out that some things I had assumed or thought about myself were wrong. That’s just the way things are. Sometimes that happens just by virtue of growing up, and sometimes because these kinds of things happen, I think.
I guess I do feel like these things that happened are me to some extent. But generally, I feel pretty good about myself and I know that certain feelings about me only come from what happened. But you know, other things come from this whole process. I can’t say I feel better about myself since I started on all this. In fact, I have discovered that some of the way I thought about myself even up to a year a go or less, were wrong. I was over-estimating myself and over-valuing certain things about myself. I think sometimes becoming more realistic about one’s self means finding out you’re not as great as you thought you were.
I do know I have shame issues, and they are becoming more and more of a problem. If I let them escalate much more, I’m not even going to be able to speak to Linda. I told her that I thought the shame got worse as the guilt improved because if it was not my actions that caused this or that were wrong or my choices that lead to the different things that happened, then what? If it wasn’t my actions, then I think the logical answer is that it was just ME. Right?
Is there a difference between shame, embarrassment and humiliation? Because I have been using them interchangeably, and I may be using them wrong and maybe I need to separately recognize them.
I am glad that they are still making an effort on A’s case ,too. I don’t know what can be done or should be done, but I know something needs to be done. I am glad you feel little A is special and are concerned for her well being. She is worth it :) And you have your energy and advice invested in this, as well. Too bad you can’t adopt her. (Although I’m sure having a 2 year old and teenagers at the same time would be something else!)
Well, I need to get my anger under control here. I don’t understand why I am so mad. You may be right that I am feeling hurt and I agree I am probably scared. But why? Of what? I don’t understand.
oh yeah -- you didn't answer my questions:
1. Do you think I scared Linda by how I reacted when I was havng the flashback Thursday?
2. Should I leave things alone with C's mother and sister or should I let them know what I think and that P was not the one they should be upset with?
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