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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1809
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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My wife and I have been married 6 1/2 years. In that time we

Resolved Question:

My wife and I have been married 6 1/2 years. In that time we have had sex about 30 times at best guess. I know on our 5th Anniversary it had been the 4th Anniversary when we had had sex last. I told my wife at the very begining of our marriage that I felt sex was so important to the intimacy of a marriage. Well fast forward to today and she says she just has no desire for sex, and I guess she figured since she didn't want it then I didn't either, while I am masturbating 4-5 times a week. It all came to a head a few days ago and I took the cap off the bottle and let out how angry and resentful I am towards her for the lack of intimacy. She said she didn't know it was so important to me and she might ask her doctor if there is anything she can do. At this point I don't know if this marriage can be saved? I told her I am so mad at her I can't even get it up thinking about her anymore and want to step outside the marriage since she has no desire. Is it possible to save this marriage and increase the level of sex to a more normal level?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I am sorry to hear of these difficulties which are quite common. I think you being able to express yourself to her and her taking notice is a huge step in the right direction.

CoachJenK :

Without that communication she had no idea how important it is to you.

CoachJenK :

When women connect emotionally we can feel fulfilled and often sexual intimacy can get overlooked.

CoachJenK :

Would I bolt on the marriage before you give her a chance to make changes? I would not suggest that.

CoachJenK :

You are entitled to your feelings and I am glad you have spoken up now.

CoachJenK :

We don't know the cause of her waning desire...hormonal, the emotional intimacy being filled so that she doesn't need a lot of sex, etc.

CoachJenK :

But I do think if she desires for things to be different then they can be. A trip to her doctor is a great idea as well.

CoachJenK :

In the end it comes down to how you are feeling and if you want to give that chance to see if things can turn around.

CoachJenK :

I will wait for you to come online so we can chat further about it.

Customer:

One of the problems I have is that because of her lack of interest in sex and my drive and the fact that I masturbate so much, the few times we have had sex, if I can maintain an erection, I can not reach climax with her. I get her to orgasm and then have to masturbate to reach my climax. If I knew that at 47 I would be masturbating as much as a teen I wouldn't have bothered to get married. On our 5th Anniversary she wanted to get a romantic cabin in the Smokies and we attempted sex once but I was unable to get an erection because I was so mad at her for me being in this sexless marriage. I couldn't even masturbate with her near the bedroom. Once she went to sleep I went outside and did masturbate with no problems. We were there for 4 nights. I masturbated for 3 of them. I have tried to explain how hurt I am and can't help coming across as angry, then she gets defensive and says I should see a doctor because no 47 year old man should feel the need to want as much sex as I do.

CoachJenK :

All of what you are saying is so understandable and I think you are right that because of your anger and resentment maintaining an erection or achieving orgasm is difficult.

CoachJenK :

as you work through these feelings things could ease up. Would you be desirous of marriage counseling?

CoachJenK :

her statement about you wanting sex a lot does not bode well for her having the desire that matches yours

Customer:

Another issue that I am going through is since sex is non existent in our marriage and I turned to masturbation, I started looking at regular porn and after awhile it became boring and I started to look at gay porn. Now I find I am open to an encounter with another male. I still love women and love looking at women but part of me is attracted to males. I dont know if that's because I am just horny, or becoming bisexual? That I know I can't say anything to her about.

CoachJenK :

ok so you have lots going on. Have you ever been aware of these desires before toward men?

CoachJenK :

it would seem unlikely that you wanting sex would stimulate that...maybe a repressed feeling that is coming to the surface now which is all okay too.

Customer:

I had a few high school oral experiences but nothing since. I do like anal stimulation but have never had a real penis. But after we were married and the sex stopped and I was looking for ways to excite myself I started to think that a guy might be an option.

CoachJenK :

If you feel you are desirous of exploring that then why not? But I will always advocate for honesty as i believe in open communication, fidelity and not putting someone else at risk.

Customer:

It's bad enough I guess to have blown up at her and told her about the lack of sex and then to add to it, by the way I may be Bi. I don't see her being understanding at all.

CoachJenK :

well we can take it slowly..and you can figure out your desires so you are clear.

CoachJenK :

first we need to figure out if you want to be married or you want to be free to explore and just be

Customer:

I told her when we were dating that I liked anal stimulation and she was receptive to fingering me, so I mentioned getting a dildo and she said only fags want a dick in their ass. Well, problem was I already had a dildo and had been using it for some time before we met. So I threw it out (without her knowing it ever existed) and just tried to block that desire. But watching gay porn and seeing the guy getting penetrated was a turn on to me and I want that feeling.

CoachJenK :

Then that is something you should truly explore for yourself. I might suggest some face to face counseling for you so you can have the safe place to talk of it all since what we can do here on this site is limited.

CoachJenK :

Would you like me to help you find someone?

CoachJenK :

I think you deserve to look at this and be happy in whatever way you find happiness

Customer:

I would like that.

CoachJenK :

where are you located?

Customer:

Michigan metro Detroit area Taylor MI to be exact

CoachJenK :

zip code?

Customer:

48180

CoachJenK :

Ok, I am looking now. Still here while I am looking. Give me one moment.

Customer:

Would this be me alone or would I bring the wife?

CoachJenK :

I think for you alone to explore your desires.

CoachJenK :

Here is a listing for a few therapists in your area. http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.php?sid=1343699396.0014_8190&city=Taylor&state=MI&spec=172

Customer:

And what should I be looking for.

CoachJenK :

therapy is all about the connection and the fit between the two of you. So you make some calls, see how it feels by phone and set up an appointment with one or two. then see how it feels when you are there..if the person feels like someone with whom you could open up.

CoachJenK :

you have a lot to get out and deserve to do so.

CoachJenK :

Here are some that say that work with Gay issues. http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.php?sid=1343699396.0014_8190&county=Wayne&state=MI&zipcode=48180&zipdist=5&spec=172&lmore=-3

Customer:

I will have to see how I click with I guess

CoachJenK :

exactly, but I know you can because even though this is online, you have been very forthright and honest here which tells me how much you need to let this stuff out and can do so.

CoachJenK :

and I am here as well to give you support as you go through these next steps.

Customer:

I am sure I am going to need it. I know I won't be able to expect support from my wife.

CoachJenK :

I commend your strength already.

CoachJenK :

you have a lot bottled up inside.

Customer:

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX like i've been punched in the chest

CoachJenK :

and once you start to let this stuff out, that feeling will ease.

Customer:

I know I am not gay, I don't feel any romance towards men, I am still attracted to women, but I do think sex with a man is an option

CoachJenK :

It is all okay with me here not matter what you figure out for yourself, but I think the place to start is with therapy for yourself and then some marriage counseling to see if the marriage can be saved.

Customer:

How do I tell my wife I need counseling before we do marriage counseling

CoachJenK :

you can let her know that you would like to have a place to sort out your feelings.

CoachJenK :

if you feel marriage counseling should go first, then i follow your lead, but i just feel you have some other stuff to look at too.

Customer:

So you wouldn't recommend me saying or showing this to my wife?

CoachJenK :

sorry. I lost my connection for a moment

CoachJenK :

I think that doing some research with the name sI gave you will be helpful and you decide if you want individual first or marriage counseling.

CoachJenK :

If you need more support for me at anytime please put for CoachjenK at the beginning of your new question and it will come to me.

CoachJenK :

how does that sound for an initial plan?

Customer:

Itt sounds good

CoachJenK :

I commend your strength.

CoachJenK :

keep it up and let me know how you are doing.

Customer:

Thank You

CoachJenK :

please take a moment to click on the rating tab to offer a rating of my work.

CoachJenK :

my goal is EXCELLENT service.

Customer:

So you wouldn't recommend me saying or showing this to my wife? I didn't know if you saw this before losing your connection?

CoachJenK :

I saw it and responded above. I cant make that decision only you can based on what you want to do.

Customer:

Ok

CoachJenK :

you might want to sit with these feelings and process them in therapy before hand

Customer:

Yeah, especially if I want to save this marriage

CoachJenK :

I think that is correct. but you do deserve to talk about it and process it all

CoachJenK :

If you are all good for now, I will sign off for the night. As I said, I am here if you need me again and please take a moment to offer a rating so I can be credited for my work.

Customer:

Ok goodnight

CoachJenK :

Have a restful sleep

CoachJenK :

goodnight

CoachJenK :

Will you complete that for me now? You will get a copy of this in your email once you complete the rating.

Customer:

Yes, sorry my phone rang

CoachJenK :

many thanks.

Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1809
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K.
Social Worker, Professional Coach
648 Satisfied Customers
Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach