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KansasTherapist
KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 565
Experience:  17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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I ended my marriage because of my husbands affairs, we are

Customer Question

I ended my marriage because of my husbands affairs, we are in the porceeds of a divorce. I want in terms of adultry, he has informed me he will not give me one on these terms ( but will do on unreasonable behaviour) only on terms of adultry will be accepted by me. .He is now with some one i feel he had an affair with in the past. She stays with him at times in a property we both own,( and i do know turns up unexpextedly on regular basis).. She does not allow him to have anything to do with me ,she chases around the countryside looking for him and has put me off my own property in the past ( I had called to see him re kids, as he hadnt answered my call). She also arrived at my house with my daughter outside, checking to see if he was here. My daughter is 15 and never had seen her before. it is very difficult to get him to do anything re kids, but I do know he contacts me when she is not about and has told me to tell him what i need and not to text as she reads messages. He has made it clear to me he wants to change his behaviour and have more dealings with children, but she continues to turn up unexpectedly and messes up his plans. Why does she behave like this as I am no threat to her. this is my husbands second divorce and he did admit to me that if I hadnt I put him out, he probably would have stayed with me, ( we had been discussing splitting up, but I couldnt tolerate his behaviour and terminated the relationship before he had decided what he wanted to do., My two children love their father and want us to be friends, if this isnt possible they want a good relationship with him, but it appears she is jealous of the kids as well.. He is ex army and was away a lot in the past. but was a good father in the past when he was home. Now he lives a mile from them and dosnt pull his weight but does make statements that he wants to but dosnt sustain same. PS I also have heard him being very angry with her when she had turned up without telling him she was coming and he told her he had enough of her behaviour . but hes away for his birthday week end with her( her present to him)
Please explain behaviour Thank You
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.

He has a bond with you but you have to see clearly what his wishes are as evidenced by his behavior. If he continues to see her then he is fueling the fire that results in this intrusive behavior. For her to end the fascination with him he has to show her that he wants to move on. By being with her it creates this obsessive behavior because whatever her personality is it is responding to a person who is acting like they want a relationship. You can't set the boundaries he has to. As far as the children he can have a relationship with them regardless of his personal life as long as he can maintain consistency and allow them to think that he is willing to spend time with them. The children should not be brought into the crazy repercussions of dealing with this woman. I would ask him what he wants once and for all and require that he act on this. But you have to have the strength to say I will not tolerate this so that he can't have both you and her. You have to expect and demand respect. He probably does have feelings for you and always will but you have to get him to define this. Is this as the mother of his children or a chance at a new relationship. You have to ask for what you want. Don't let this mental health issue dominate your relationship or allow to have too much room in a relationship with you. He can't be allowed to treat you badly even if it is being with her.

Please press Excellent Service so I am compensated. I will return later.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

i am going ahead with a legal seperation. he is aware that i will not return to him unless he was known in the community as a deeply respected church man. i feel he wants a relationship with her but she has turned obbsessive. Thats his problem, I have informed both of them that if her behavour continues to affect myself or kids i will involve solicter. I am much happier on my own with the children and life is ok, I know i was right re my decision. However i do feel he is blaming me unfairly re the end of the marriage, and he is with her on the rebound. I can cope with him but am finding her behaviour difficult to cope with as it makes life embarrassing for my children. he is aware of this but so far there is little change . we own a shop , and during an emergancy in same , i rang him he answered the phone, but she wouldnt let him take the call. Another person had to ring him.That means if there was an emergancy re kids . I cant get him. we were also in the middle of building a house. I also feels she sees him and her in it. If I could get my head around her I will cope, after all someday we may all be at my childrens wedding. I am demanding respect and am taking no more from them, but she still prades around the shop and premises we own despite him telling her not to untill


 


all is sorted. I am well aware he is not making her feel secure. He has asked me not to go to our shop because its easier for him to cope with her. I have continued my usaul routine at shop and she has backed off. I dont take kids to the shop as they do not want to see her.


He wants me to accomadate her because I feel he cant controll her.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Other.
I felt I needed to give more information to enable a more in depth answer
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Other.
I felt I needed to give more information to enable a more in depth answer
Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 2 years ago.
Relationships with an ex husbands current girl friend, can be very difficult as this one is. At this point, your ex is choosing to be with someone who is emotionally unstable. One of the most telling things in your reply is that when you refused to stop coming to your shop, she backed off. Your ex is not setting appropriate limits with her, but when you do, it has an impact. I think if you consider the limits you want in your relationship with her, and follow through with them, you may continue to have success. As an example, when you have an emergency to do with the shop or with your kids, let your husband know he has to deal with you whether she likes it or not. When she gets her way by making demands, it encourages her to be more unreasonable.

I hope this is helpful. Please let me know if I'm going the wrong direction.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

yes you are , I would like to talk to you some more. Before she came along I had an excellant Relationship with my two adult step children. Then they put me of the syte because she didnt want me there. my husband was horrified and did appologise. I have not contacted them again. I felt it was better I concentrate on my own kids. Solicter aware and I will make him aware of the current situation as I find it unacceptable. I honestly feel my ex is with her because I have moved away from him. But I am not willing to put up with this behaviour anymore, I feel she wants to take over my life. but can only do this by being controlling of him, and he is letting her. I am a psychiatric nurse and can clearly see the both of them have issues, but I do feel he has just given up an dosnt care how his behaviour is seen and I do feel he is using her which in turn is making her obbsessive. He told me he wanted to be with the kids more often, . I would not take him back this way. I do feel we need to seperate and he needs to be on him own to find who he is again. and maybe after a few years be good friends and go on hols with kids. but the issue re his girlfriend has become my problem because of the issues explained. I do think it is wrong that myself and children have to adjust to her strange behaviour. As said if she was allowing him to really be with kids I could cope but I do think he is giving into her all the time. But he also blames me for the situation he is in. Again thats his problem but I am the one trying to sort out all the mess and provide us all with stability. Ant tips of how to manage the situation would help. Now that my emotions have settled I cn take controll but appricate an outsiders point of veiw along the way as I dont want to make a bad situation worse.


PS My gut reaction is that John still loves me, ut I am sensible enough to keepgoing the way I am.

Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 2 years ago.
I agree with your idea to focus on the needs of your kids. Maybe one day you husband will sort all this out and let go of this woman. In the mean time, let your kids know you will keep encouraging their dad to spend time with them, but sadly, it's on his shoulders to decide what he's going to do. encourage them to share their feelings with him and ask for the relationship they want to have. For example they could ask him to see them at least once a week. Again, this makes it harder for her to dominate the situation by being demanding, and he can't pretend he doesn't know what to do. This is a good opportunity to teach your kids how to have healthy boundaries and be open about what they need in a relationship.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you , thats what I am doing, he has told me to sort out what I need for school hols and he will try to fit in. Its a start. If I am honest I think both of us have found it difficult to set boundries for ouselves, and are afraid if we start to have a routine etc that we will reconnect. I do not want that as it wouldnt help at all. but I suppose in all honesty we all would love a fairy tale ending,. at the moment I just want respect and order. the last queston I would like to ask you is. Why do you feel he resents me so much ? In my eyes I ended the marriage because of his behaviour therefore giving him his freedom. I have gave him open acess to his kids and my home, therefore no issues re kids etc. But while his elationship with me has become more mellow. I still feel he thinks he is in this position because of me. I would have liked the happy ending but instead of him accepting my willingness to rebuild the marriage , he would ( I know now ) pretend he didnt want ot return, so I went ahead with solcitors. Then he wasnt happy with that. Now he is with this girl. I am still in his way tobeing happy. But I can say I was right in all my decisions and couldnt carry him any longer. So should I back up the rest of his things place (thats what I would like to do)) but I know if I move things over to him, she then will nest more that wont help.i will let things remain here but if you could help explain his resentment issues I would be grateful Thank You again

Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 2 years ago.
Sometimes when people are primarily at fault in a relationship, they can't accept responsibility for their behavior. I've seen what is happening with your husband, happen in lots of divorces. perhaps what he's really resenting is that you refuse to allow him to have a girl friend while he continues to be married to you. He's been able to do this in the past, but now, he has this demanding girl friend that he can't put off with "you know I'm married." Your decision has turned his life upside down. Of course, anyone looking at from the outside would say he brought it on himself, but he doesn't want to see it that way.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

you have got it in one, now it makes more sence, Thank you so much , I couldnt get my head around it. Now I can release any guilt and in a small way enjoy the situation he has got himself into. Now I know what I always thought, A little bit of what he fancied was great. Now he has a whole dose of it and she is expecting pay back. Now i feel better taking controll because what i see is a girlfiend who is working so hard to keep him, she is going crazy and in turn he is working so hard to keep everybody happy he is losing out all round. well he deserves it. So no I wont back off re demands for kids, nor wil I stop visiting my own shop etc so that they can forget I exsist and dont feel guilty.(now I dont feel guilty informing solictor about her. I feel they are two people who are blaming me to soften their guilt, but thats thier issue. I will not be banished to allow them to pretend that their not hurting anyone. But I will now be able to bemore messured in my responce. I HOPE i make sence , you have been great. Now instead of trying to make sence of what is going on in his world. I will sort out my world, make my demands, if he doesnt like it thats his problem. The kids have come through this well so far purely because of me and good good people around me. I think I am better off. I m so glad I talked with you. Last question, whats your last bit of advice for me re coping with him to get the best out of him and if I am honest, put her back in her place. Then I will let you go.

Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 2 years ago.
Always, always, take the high road. Be straightforward about what you expect from him and try to be the reasonable adult in the face of their adolescent behavior.
KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 565
Experience: 17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
KansasTherapist and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
that was the best £26 ever spent Thank You so much. That was always my way before I got into this mess. Now all I have to do, is go back to being me Thats what makes me happy . Good night.
Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 2 years ago.
You're completely welcome. I hope things get better for you and your kids.

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KansasTherapist
KansasTherapist
Mental Health Professional
565 Satisfied Customers
17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.