Hi Kate. Sorry to be so needy.
I was wondering if it was a normal thing to feel so down and not be able to turn it off, like at work yesterday. I mean, I could stop myself from crying, but I couldn't put things away - even just right under the surface. Is that how normal people are? Like when they're down, they just are? Or was it just because my emotions are so extreme? I couldn't hide Thursday night or yesterday or wen last evening that I am feeling bad. Is that how things are supposed to be, or, in a normal situation, accepting my feelings, would I be able to keep it under wraps? Does what I'm asking make sense? I'm trying to figure out what is progress and what is not.
Linda Brought up the whole retraumatization thing yesterday that you have brought up months ago. It make me feel better and safer that she was apparently very in tune to what was going on with me and was on top of it. She said it was so obvious that it wasn't rocket science, but still - it hasn't been that way sometimes in the past. She said that it was painful to watch. I kind of want to know what she means - like what was I doing? But I kind of don't want to know until I am past the point of worrying about it.
She asked me last evening, before we were getting off the phone, if I was safe, which of course I was. Then she asked of I could keep myself safe. I didn't know what she meant, and she said I was very "bummed.". I told her that's true, but I would never be that bummed - I would never do anything. She said she was glad and that she had to to make sure. I was really surprised. She has never brought something like that up before. But I Also found it interesting, because I would never ever do something like that. It's too selfish and no matter what the circumstances, everyone else is left with a bunch of guilt. And I don't want to die. I mean, sometimes Ido when things are so hard, but not that way. It's not up to me. I just want relief. I would want to go to sleep for a very long time, but I do want to wake up. but Thursday might, for probably the first time, I did
consider that possibility. I dismissed it. Again, that's not something I would do or even threaten, but I did realize the other night that it was an option and the only way I could get immediate relief, perhaps. I thought it was a bad option. Do you think she knew I had thought about it? How could she know? I didn't say anything to her at all - not even close. The timing was just weird. Oh well. I was serious that I would never, ever do it, and I wouldn't try anything either (I mean, my feeling is that if I really wanted to do it, I certainly wouldn't threaten it. Kind of defeat the purpose if that's what someone really wants, doesn't it?). So I want to be clear that I do not consider it even a small possibility. But it was kind of weird that she brought it up.
I don't know which parts of this are healthy and which are playing into the unhealthy ways I learned growing up. Can you help me distinguish? I don't know how it should be. But in doing this, I guess I'm still not just letting things come and accepting them. But when I think I am, then I find out - no, I'm just playing into those old bad lessons. ???