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I don't know. Everything just seems so real and I apparently just can't handle it. What you said makes sense, but I can't see well enough where I am to tell what the root of this is. It's like when you're watching an accident or a fight, and you don't notice what's going on 10 feet away from it at all. I can't seem to see past where I am right now or deeper into it to figure out the reasons.
I spoke to Linda this morning. Didn't help. She tried. And a couple of her suggestions just mad me mad because she apparently doesn't know me at all. I just wanted to get off the phone after a few minutes. She asked if I wanted to stop or take a break, and I said maybe. So maybe I will go back and maybe not.
I am supposed to call her back this afternoon, but I won't. I just want to go to sleep for a really long time.
I understand. I think that all the energy you feel around this is being created by something from your past that is blocking you from letting the full feelings in. There has been a lot of seeing yourself as wrong for what you feel and that is a sign that you are not ok yet with letting yourself experience the emotions. Each time we talk, I get that sense from you. It's not your fault, it's just your past interfering. I think it's easy to minimize how much of an impact those messages from your childhood have had on your desire to feel better. It's like a wall inside of you. Avoiding it is so much easier.
Taking a break is an option because of how you feel. But it may also benefit you to explore more about how you repress your feelings rather than focusing on what you feel about the attack. That can help you find the issue and resolve it so you can break through this.
I don't totally understand what you are saying. I certainly feel like I am letting all my feelings in.
And when you said:
"I think it's easy to minimize how much of an impact those messages from your childhood have had on your desire to feel better. It's like a wall inside of you. Avoiding it is so much easier."
... what exactly do you mean? I mean, I know what you mean saying that I minimize the impact .. but what do you mean by the messages from my childhood impacting my desire to feel better? Like I would rather avoid the feelings than feel better? Or would rather avoid dealing with the unhealthy messages from childhood than feel better? I'm just not sure what you mean.
I know I was just talking to you last week about whether I should take a break from therapy. But I didn't say anything to Linda, and now, since it was her idea, I feel like she is leaving me hung out to dry and I can come back when I'm better at this. I know it is not rational, but it made me feel even worse.
I meant that what happened to you as a child, with being forced to repress your feelings and being responsible for everything, might be interfering with your ability to accept your feelings for what they are. You keep saying here and there that you "should" feel better, you "should" not be crying this much etc. That is a sign that you have put restrictions on your feelings. There is no "shoulds" here. Just what you feel. No judgments otherwise.
I think Linda's idea sounds good and I'm glad she called you. Let me know how it goes. Have a good night, Shay and try not to worry. You are doing just fine.