Hi Kate. CPS visited C yesterday. I gathered, because last evening, his wife posted on fb: "the word for today is betrayal." Then she said something about someone from home "ruining her day" and she hates "stupid people." Then C deleted P and me as friends on FB (smart move - at least he's thinking better). I called the CPS case worker today. Apparently, most of the info didn't make it from the FAP through the CPS person to whom she spoke and to the caseworker. She said she got my packet of info literally 5 minutes before she left to visit C, so she hardly had looked at it, and still has not been through it all. She just wen by herself. I asked her how they were. She said A looked "happy, healthy & clean." I asked her how C was and she repeated how A seemed. I don't know if she misheard me or was trying to imply that C was not doing well. She said there was a limit to what she could tell me, which I understood. She asked for all my contact #'s in case she needed more info. I got the impression that their inquiry was not over. But her impression from the initial visit was pretty good. So, we'll see. His mom won't return P's call. P's phone was broken and she just got her new one, and c's sister left a message yesterday telling her she wasso angry she could barely speak, and that she want to talk to P about c and some stuff with P's parents' estate. I told p to stand her ground when she talks to her (p tends to cower an apologize when people are angry). She sent her an email (it was too late to call ET) and told her what was done was done out of love and she would be glad to talk to her but not if she is going to bitch at her (I made her put that part). I feel so bad for P.aybe this was all a mistake. Maybe I overreacted.
My appointment with Linda this evening didn't go so well. She said she was thinking about Tues., and she said she was just talking and talking and hadn't stopped to ask how I was doing, what I was feeling, etc. I told her she shouldn't feel bad at all. It just came on suddenly and I couldn't stand to hear another word. We talked a little about how much more real things had become.
Then she sat silent. I told her I wasn't to that point today, so she could talk. She asked me questions about when I was crying, what was I feeling, did
I have thoughts that went along with them, etc. I just don't know. I told her I guess it was a mix - sadness, anger (although I don't know if that describes it - it is deeper than that, but I don't know a word for it), and the shame & embarassment mixed in, and maybe other things. And as far as thoughts - yes.I don't remember what else she said. Then I started crying again (of course) and all these things were flashing through my head, and some things I could see and some things I could feel and I got really agitated and stuff physically hurt and I think my blood pressure probably rose a ton. She kept saying to come back into the room and I was safe - but i knew that. But she wanted me to open my eyes and drink some of my coffee, but I didn't want to open my eyes. I did, but wanted to shut them right away. It didn't matter whether they were open or shut; I still saw and felt the same things. I couldn't tell her what they were. I just couldn't say it. And I can't really tell her. It was just stuff from what happened, but a few things keep overwhelming me. I wish so much they hadn't happened and I want to wish the memories away and I couldn't stop seeing them. I started to get that floaty feeling again, but I stopped it. I can't stand to be seeing, feeling those memories but I couldn't stand being present in the room, either. Linda had told me, when I was upset and thinking about things, but before it got bad, to please not give any kind of effort or concern to being embarassed with her, that nobody is going to judge me, least of all her. Then she told me also to try to stay away from guilt/self-criticism thoughts. But I can't help but want to crawl in a hole when I think about all she knows, and when I am thinking about it or especially feeling stuff. I had these feelings (like emotion-wise), but also physical feelings - and it was right there with her in the room and on the one hand, it is less scary with her there, and on the other hand, it panics
me. I felt like I was caught in a swirl of this stuff, and it didn't stop when I left. I had to sit and cry in my car for a few minutes before I could drive, I felt. I still feel all dizzy and full of all this stuff like going around in a circle. I don't like this at all. I feel like they have control of me and this stuff won't leave me alone. I don't want this. I don't want to be theirs (or, really, his), I would just rather not "be" at all. I want to go away. I can't handle this, Kate. Why did I have that kind of reaction during my session, and why am I still feeling that way? I want to go to sleep for a very long time. I hate them. I hate what I am. I want to leave all this. I feel so unfixable. How did things get this way? I just want some relief right now.
I'm sorry. I just don't know what is happening and I thought writing you might help calm me.
** okay. It's a few hours later. I feel more worked up. I about hyperventilated in the bathtub. What is wrong with me????? I want to call Linda. I'm scared and I feel awful. But it's too late to call and what can she do, anyway? I can't talk to P because she's upset about the c situation (which is really my fault), but I can't act like all is okay because I don't feel okay. This is a mess.