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I can hear how conflicted you are about what to do regarding this marriage and whether to stay or leave. First of all, change is possible but realistically your husband will not change from a controlling and overbearing personality into someone different! His traits may soften (somewhat) if he becomes more mindful of them and can use a different tactic, but he is who he is at this point. That being said, if he is truly willing to change, he will need some ongoing counseling to really make lasting changes that are meaningful. The fact that you had to leave two times to have him even take you seriously, does indicate that his willingness to hear you and what is important to you, were not priorities to him. Of course, it is okay for you to leave this marriage. You don't need anyone's permission to do so, and if you feel much lighter and happier when you are away from him and in your own place, then that speaks volumes about your marriage. If you have any more questions please ask me, otherwise please do rate my service today. Thank you!
If he is sincere, then his words and promises will be followed up through actions and his actions will be consistent. Manipulation is short term to get what he wants. Sincerity is longer term to make you feel comfortable as well, not just him. Meaning he will really work at it, and not resort to his old ways once he thinks you are back to stay.
I cannot say how much someone can change percentage wise. What you really need to determine is what you can live with and what you cannot live with. This varies for each person. Someone can bring you down, yes...but it can only continue to happen once you are aware of this, if you allow it. Meaning if you are being mistreated and accept that, than you are allowing it to happen. This is a smart man from what you have said. He gets it enough that you are not happy with how things have been. He also gets that you have come back now twice and that you may stay regardless if things improve or not. Zero intimacy in a marriage indicates a true disconnection between you two... there is obviously very little honest communication in this marriage if you thought he was gay! It really sounds like you are feeling guilty about wanting to leave this marriage and that you need someone to give you permission. You can give this some time for example six months of counseling with Mark and/or Mark on his own etc. and then reevaluate the situation. You can do this either while living with him, or also while living on your own in an apartment.
I really think that couples counseling will help you to get a much clearer picture as to whether there can be enough changes made, for you to feel satisfied in this marriage. I need to let you know that DRASTIC changes don't happen overnight if ever.
Hope this helps!
Please do rate my answer to you, otherwise I'm not credited for my help today. Thank you! I wish you the best... Kristin
It really sounds like this marriage is pretty much done for you. If you truly want a divorce and you are saying that more clearly than ever, than the fact that he is relentless, really is irrelevant. This is your life too and you can get a divorce if that is what you feel you want to do. It's evident that this decision isn't being made hastily on your part, that you have been with your husband a number of years and that the majority of that time has not been satisfying for you. Which also makes me wonder why your husband would like to continue as well. Whether or not you are a "lesbian" or not I can't answer with complete certainty. But it is obvious that you are clearly in love and happy with this woman, and so in that sense you are a lesbian (meaning that yes, you obviously have sexual/romantic feelings for a woman). I don't know if this means you have always been attracted to women or not, but what is important is what you decide to do from this point forward.
I understand your concerns about how your sons and family would react, but in time usually family accepts that which you choose, which is the loving thing to do. I do recommend that you end your marriage if you are going to continue on with this woman, so that you can live in integrity with yourself and with her.
It is time for you to live your life now in a way that feels honest and true for you. Otherwise, you will continue to be unhappy and more than likely have regret that you didn't choose a direction that feels like "life" to you. Hope this helps!
I wanted to add that if you are going to work on your marriage, you cannot also maintain an affair at the same time. That being said, there is so much work to be done with the marriage, you have a steep climb in front of you.
But whatever you decide, you need to choose one relationship or the other. The fact that you have strayed with this woman coupled with the info.you have provided about the marriage does indicate that you are really wanting out. Please rate my answers for you today. All the best to you...