Good morning, Kate.
Didn't hear anything about C and A yesterday from anyone. Of course, P dropped her iPhone in her coffee yesterday morning, so if his mom or someone tried to text her, she wouldn't know it. But all is quiet. No fb posts by him, no calls from anyone (though I wouldn't think they'd call me if they know I reported it). But maybe they haven't even contacted him. I'm kind of worried about the fallout. But I did
what I thought was best and will accept the consequences.
My appointment with Linda was difficult yesterday. I talked to her about feeling I should have let go by now, & feeling like she felt that way. She said she did not feel that way, & was sorry if she said/did something that made me feel she did. She said I worked harder to get better (homework, etc.) than any clien she has (which says nothing of my progress). I tol her I just can't let go - or maybe I just won't let go. She asked what that would be like if I did, & I have no way of knowing that. So she asked how I would like it to be. She said she I confident I will get to that point, including a point where I can accept it. That made me upset, for some reason. Accept it? How can I accept it? I can see that it will ever be okay with me.
She asked if I still felt as bad as I ha been and I said yes. She asked some questions, but I don't know what it is I'm feeling. She said if it is sadness about what happened, that's good, and if there is some anger there, good, etc. but she wanted to make sure she wasn't "missing" something and perhaps I had slipped into some depression or something. I to her I don't think so, but what do I know?
She had finally read my comments to her notes she took during the " telling.". She asked I she could tell me her thoughts/comments. She thought I was upset that she wrote down certain things, because I had written that I didn't like that she had written such-&-such. I explained that it had nothing to do w/ her - she was writing down what I said. It is just hard to see it on paper, written by someone else. She commented about how scrutinizing I was, picking things apart. She said that when I wrote how disgusted I was with what happened and that it was repulsive when I thought about it, that it was especially so because it is so contrary to my life and me. I said "but it is me.". She said she knows, but she means that it is so far from my own moral code, how I would treat others, etc. I told her she thinks I am a lot nicer and a better person than I actually am. She said something and then asked if i was going to argue, & I told her just to keep reading her comments. I am not going to argue with her about it.
She said that he understands why I feel they are part of me, but they are not. She said that in these kinds of things, yes, they may leave physical scar tissue, but they don't leave part of them , either physically or spiritually or morally. She was saying we need to figure out what to do for me to "reclaim my body" and "reclaim myself." It just hit to be too much for me. I couldn't hold it back. I started crying and told her to stop - that I can't talk and I can't listen. I said i felt that if she said one more thing my head would explode. I couldn't stop crying. After a while of saying nothing, Linda sai she was glad that I said something and that maybe I should stop trying to push it. I thought she meant my crying - I said I'm not trying TO cry, I'm trying NOT to cry. She asked if she could sit on the couch with me, which helped. I cried so hard and I seriously had trouble stopping. We talked a bit about it, but for the mist part, she just say there quietly. She said I could cry and she would pray.
When i calmed down a bit, She said (like you did) that she wishes I could just feel the feelings and not try to analyze them or the why and not keep thinking that I shouldn't be feeling that way or being emotional in whatever way, but to just accept that I am going to feel this way for a time and let it happen and cry when I need to, hit things (safely) if I need to, etc. ( sound familiar?). She asked if the crying had been building up, and I said yes, and she said she thinks when that is happening, I need to tell her & we need to just stop and go with it. I told her I always felt like crying nowadays, so we'd never talk. She said that's okay, it's more important for me to express and feel, and maybe for the next few sessions she will just let me cry. Fun. :).
after crying so hard I felt awful. I had a headache and felt nauseous. The concert was really good, but I felt sickest of the time and had aigraibe by the time we got home (I'm sure part from crying so hard & part b/c it stormed earlier - changes in barometric pressure seem to trigger them). But I took my meds and cried and slept & it'such better now.
still feel like I'll cry if I don't try hard not to. That seems worse this morning, but maybe it's because I fell asleep & woke up crying (that was weird! Has that ever happened to you?