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Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2538
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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Im having an extremely hard time getting over a very tough

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I'm having an extremely hard time getting over a very tough split with a person I thought was my friend and was also intimate with. When we would argue we said mean things and the thing he said was that I was fat and ugly and its so difficult because I met on line but sent a ton of pics and believed when he said I was good looking and when we met and were intimate. I basically at that point allowed his opinion to matter. He never said anything negative then and I said to him. " you diddnt find me attractive , huh"? And he said it was completely opposite and I don't know why but I said because he diddnt want a commitment , which I knew already. You think I'm fat and ugly huh? He said what's wrong with you ? Why would you say that. So as time went on we had a few more intimate times and I just thought...."how could someone not like me? Lol I just thought he would at the very least be my friend ...but then he said "your fat and ugly and if you thought I could ever like you , your crazy"...so I'm and he cut off communication. I had a very hard time with that. I never left him alone. I still send emails and he told me because I sent email that I'm the biggest mistake he ever made. I should kill myself and do the world a favor. And still I honestly don't know how to let it go. I mean I guess because he has many girls and he hooked me in saying all these things and then when I opened up and let myself love him is when he tried to break it off. I'm hurt and sad and upset and the thing is he never said he diddnt think those things so its making me afraid to meet other suitors. I'm very much afraid to get intimate with someone and they say the same thing. It made me unsure of my looks and myself and has really effected me a great deal. I've tried everything to mend the friendship and just put the past behind us in hopes it would soothe my anxiety but he's not open to it . Its been since Nov 1st and I just want the hurt to stop. What can I do?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: No answer yet.
Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.

Sorry you have had to wait so long. I think the first thing to understand is that he was probably using the Internet to find a sex partner, and at that stage would say anything to get what he wanted.

As the intial thrill of the relationship wore off, he wanted out, and being abusive to you seemed to be a good way of doing it. Frankly, I doubt if he ever cared about you in the least on an emotional level, and you are well rid of him. I suggest you steer clear of him completely.

That, however leaves your own fears and self doubt to be addressed, and I don’t think you are going to be able to do it on your own, so I’m going to suggest that you would benefit from some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also causes the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions. I feel sure that right now you have a lot of negative self belief and self image – CBT is the best way to get over that.

These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.

If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted,

the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.

Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.

Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.

Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.

Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx

If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm

Also, there is a book called ”Feeling good - the new mood therapy” by Dr. David Burns. It has a hand book which gives you practical exercises to work through and further instructions on how to better use CBT. I really do recommend it.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies By Rhena Branch, Rob Willson is also pretty good.

Best wishes, NormanM

Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2538
Experience: ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
Norman M. and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Well this is a first for me . I've never been told anything negative about my looks by anyone who's opinion I valued. I know who I am and I just allowed this persons opinions to really hurt me. I gave power to his words. I am very picky about who I'm friends with let alone who id be intimate with. He was only the .3 rd person ever. I know I can get through it and over it .... I guess just the forgiving myself would be key . For not being better in selecting and letting my boundries sown with the thought that this person really cared as a friend. But I'm wrong he diddnt ....

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