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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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i know its common for girls to ditch their friends when they

Resolved Question:

i know its common for girls to ditch their friends when they start dating a new guy but i feel what my friend is doing is just disrespectful but i fear i may be overreacting.

We had a falling out in high school and she spread some nasty rumours about me that concerned by adoption. A few years later her mum called me out of the blue (behind her daughters back and instructed me not to tell her about it) and asked if i would come over and initiate a friendship with this girl because she was going through a rough patch. I became friends with her but i found her problems to be much more severe than what her mum had lead me to believe and a lot them were caused by her bad taste in men as she has a tendency to date / have casual sexual relationships with the bad guy type (e.g guys who take drugs, unemployed, have GFs etc...). I have found her to be a demanding needy friend and have offered her a lot of advice and answer calls from her at inconvenient hours of the day and helped her despite thinking she is is often in the wrong.

However, I have noticed a pattern of behaviour where she becomes unreliable when she gets a bf. It happened last year where she would rarely responded to my calls and texts and then stood me up. Similar behaviour has started again now that she has a new bf. She rarely returns calls and texts. Numerous times she has said she will spend the day with me going to the beach or the city and will call me early in the morning to arrange details but she doesn't. Instead she will call me late arvo or the evening and because its so late we can't spend much time together or she will say she's too tired hang out which means i have wasted my day sitting around waiting for her to get back to me like she said she would. I also agreed to help her and her mum out and put in an NA day at work and this plan was cancelled but she failed to tell me this. When i queried her about it her excuse was she was at her bfs house. Another time i came around to hers and she went upstairs closed the door and had a really long phone convo with her bf and i left her house as it was getting late.

In fairness to her she has invited me out a few times. However, none of these plans actually involve her negotiating a time that suits both her and I. Rather they are plans solely made between her and her bf and i am invited out at the last minute and because of this i usually have other commitments. I will try and make plans with her but she will always be busy and she will fail to make alternative arrangements with me but yet she has no problem making plans with her bf.

I have confronted her about the issue and she talked over the top of me and said to me that i am a 'pest' and 'delusional' and demanding all of her attention which i don't think i am. She countered my concern by listing the few times she has invited me out with her bf. One of those particular times i declined the plan that was solely made between her and her bf because i spent the night in hospital with my ill grandfather who passed away the next morning thus i thought it was really unreasonable that she used that particular example as a means of counteracting my argument. She then went on to say that i just 'don't understand what its like to have a bf' but i have actually have had a bf for the past few months... she's just not aware of it due to our lack of contact.

I feel obligated to stay with her due to the fact that her mum contacted me and i also worry i may be overreacting?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I think you have gone above and beyond the call of duty here and I don't hear you overreacting. I hear a lovely young woman who has stepped up to help someone without anything in return.

CoachJenK :

The Mum called you because she couldn't deal with it but you are not this girls babysitter.

CoachJenK :

If it were me I would be stepping out of this very unhealthy dynamic and I would focus on you and your life and your boyfriend. you deserve this.

CoachJenK :

Her issues seem to be quite deep and has a very destructive pattern toward herself and you and many others I am sure.

CoachJenK :

hi

CoachJenK :

tell me your thoughts.

Customer:

hi there, sorry its the first time i have used this chat so i was a bit lost lol

CoachJenK :

its ok. lol.

CoachJenK :

its fun and easy.

Customer:

thankyou for your response. I was worried that i was overreacting because she did invite me out a few times? but like i said i was just an add on at the last minute. in light of this do u think its legitimate that i feel keen to leave this friendship

CoachJenK :

absolutely. It sounds so horrible and you have done so much. This is not your sister this is a "friend" said lightly, who has hurt you over and over. You are not responsible for her or her mum

CoachJenK :

I would walk away and never look back. enjoy your life and know you are a great person for trying all this time.

CoachJenK :

and if you forget that ...come back here to me and I will remind you. :-)

Customer:

Thanx very much for that! i will take your advice. One more thing, is it normal to feel both anger and feel used by her mother or is this to sensitive of me?. When she called me her mum only informed me about one of this girls falling outs. However, when i entered the relationship i discovered she had numerous falling outs with people, problems at most workplaces she had worked in, she had vandalised one of her ex-bf cars, thrown a rock through a window of her families home and had an issue with the police. The mother failed to tell me this and i feel she down played this girls issues so i would be more inclined to become friends with her.

CoachJenK :

All of your feelings are normal. It is also common for her Mum to downplay the issues as she was probably struggling with dealing with it all. She sees you as a stable and loving force so she reached out to you for help as she had no idea what else to do, but you have gone above and beyond and you have every right to all of your feelings but the best thing is to heal from those wounds and they are deep and focus on your wonderful life and what a wonderful person you are that you would go to such great lengths for another.

CoachJenK :

no need to rush here with me....I am here to listen and support.

CoachJenK :

are you still with me?

Customer:

thanx for that. yes i am

CoachJenK :

k thought i lost you

Customer:

i think she exhibits certain behaviours which suggests she has a personality disorder. She has also been on medication for the past 6 years, seen numerous psychiatrists and counsellors so i think I'm not skilled enough to deal with her

CoachJenK :

its not about you being skilled...because you sound like a very skilled friend to me but as you say the issues are deeper and more significant and not something any friend can work through.

CoachJenK :

go easy on yourself here. know that you did so much but this is not healthy for YOU

CoachJenK :

my focus is on you and your well being

CoachJenK :

and you deserve that space to be happy with your life and bf and whatever else you have going on.

Customer:

when i raised the issues i have just told you about she attacked me about a sensitive issue concerning an incident i had with a guy about two years ago. During our friendship I spoke to her about it because i helped her with her problems for such a long time so i thought it would be ok for me to talk to her about an issue. However, during our recent argument she said she was sick of me speaking about it. like i said i did talk about the issue when we hung out from time to time but she would often initiate conversation about it as well. I also saw a counsellor and i hadn't spoken about it in several months. Due to this, the irrelevance of the issue given the context of the conversation and the fact i helped her for such an extended period of time do you think this attack was just to put me down

Customer:

similar to how she attacked me about my adopted when we were friends many years ago

CoachJenK :

yes and she has a great way to make you feel bad and question your sense of abilities. This is quite toxic for you and this is not how friendships are. Run don't walk.

CoachJenK :

you stepped in to be a wonderful friend and now it is time to step out to be a wonderful friend to yourself.

Customer:

i appreciate that i may have annoyed her with these conversations but that was not my intention, i was pro-active about the issue and sought help and made a conscious effort not to talk about the issue with her as the counsellor i was seeing for advised against talking about the issue with her so i feel so was just looking for anything to attack me about and shift the blame onto me instead of acknowledging her rude actions.

Customer:

Thanx so much for your help

Customer:

i just need to check i wasn't overreacting, being paranoid or inconsiderate of her illness

CoachJenK :

oh please...friends are supposed to be there for one another...she just has a great way of making you feel bad for doing and needing normal things such as processing something even if you needed to talk about it a few times...big deal...that is what girlfriends do.

CoachJenK :

no you are not. you have been quite considerate not turn that consideration toward you.

CoachJenK :

*now

CoachJenK :

it is my pleasure to support you.

CoachJenK :

come to me anytime.

Customer:

shall do, thanx so much and have a great evening! x

CoachJenK :

and you. please take a moment to click on the rating tab

CoachJenK :

my goal is EXCELLENT.

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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