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Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2543
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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My boyfriend and I have a 4months old daugther that we both

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My boyfriend and I have a 4months old daugther that we both truly love.One month before the baby was born, he broke up with me and has done lots of sexual encouter with several other womens that I am aware of..I was left by myself after 2days when the baby was born up until the baby was 2months old. During that time, I have talk to another man for emotional support. Two months ago,we both agreed that I should move here in Canada with him so the baby can have our both presence(I live in Hawaii). At the moment, I am here with him and the baby. Couple weeks ago, I have found that he still keeps in touch with these womens including a plan to meet them(not sure if he really mean this or just false promise)..Also, I found that he is using an dating site online, facebook chatting with an unkown women that he did not even met and said that "would like to make a baby and familly with her etc.."..Last and most hurtful thing to me is that, he talks bad about me to these womens. This including our baby into the subject..Another hand, we are trying to open and establish a business together. I am full time MBA student, working, and trying to lunch this new business with him but. I have become unproductive lately and can not focus because of all these..What should I do? I have approched him and he wanted me and our baby to stay but it's seems to me that he will not give up these intimate relationship with other womens.Any advice please?Last he also stays in touch with his ex-ex-ex girlfriend which he calls it "friend with benefits". He keeps their sex pictures etc...And this is part of our life.What decision should I take please? Any advice?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.

NormanM :

Hello, I'm Norman. Are you ready to chat?

NormanM :

Would you like to tell me your name?

NormanM :

Just type when you are ready.

NormanM :

Hello - are you having a problem with replying?

NormanM :

I don't need to know your name of course - it's just sometimes nicer than a number!

Customer:

Sure my name is XXXXX XXXXX


 

NormanM :

Hello, Rina - let's see if I can help.

NormanM :

I'm sorry to hear what you have been going through. From what you say, it is crystal clear that he does not love you – because actions speak louder than words. Are his actions those of a loving partner?

Customer:

That's what I believe and he even said it at one point but when I said I will leave he is trying to be nice and all..I am thinking about the baby as well.

Customer:

So what should I do?


 

NormanM :

I cannot make the decision for you, Rina, but let's have a look at the facts.

NormanM :

This is so, so wrong. You need to stand up to this man, and if you are even remotely considering continuing the relationship, it needs to be conditional – seriously so.


 


We humans only indulge in behaviour that brings reward of some kind. Only when that reward (whatever it might be) disappears, or the consequences of our behaviour promise to be unpleasant do we consider changing what we do. Like a child, your boyfriend is going to have to learn to accept boundaries, and you have to give him reason to change.

NormanM :

He needs to know that if he does not change his ways, the relationship is over.


 


Up until now, he has just been exploitative and abusive, and he has done that, and kept doing it, simply because he has been allowed to.

NormanM :

He is simply going to do what he does unless he is FORCED to change - he's getting all he wants right now.

NormanM :

There is an old saying that "If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got", so if he will not change, your future with him is going to be just like your past.


 


Frankly you need to think hard about whether this relationship is worth saving.

NormanM :

He is exploiting you emotionally and physically by having you help him start a business while he is playing away.

Customer:

ok, make sense and all true. As for myself I don't think it's worthed but I was trying because of the baby

NormanM :

 


In order for you to come out of all this in the best possible way, it’s essential that you are able to be as objective as possible, and to make any decisions you have to make from a position of strength rather than weakness. Therefore, I’m going to suggest that you would benefit from some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

NormanM :

I personally do not think taht this man is going to make a worthwhile partner or parent to your child.

Customer:

ok thanks. Another problem is that he has mentioned that he is not sexually attrcted to me. He is doing this because he like sex etc..I have never refused to not have sex with him. However, I just don't have the urge to just have sex without any emotion or feeling. Last, I will not say that I am the most attractive woman in the world but I consider that I am very attractive so I don't know what else is there for me to do..So I guess this might be irreparable issue?

Customer:

Thank you Mr.Norman.Your answer is an eye opening


 

NormanM :

If you do decide to terminate the relationship, you need legal advise about what your economic and housing prospects are afterwards, and also what you must do to gain custody of your child. Once you are armed with all this information, you can sit down and examine the potential results of any decision you may want to make. Please do not rush into anything until you have taken these steps.

NormanM :

Rina - you coul choose to have a cery unhappy future with this man, or decide to finish it, get custody of your daughetr and move on. Which is the better alternative do you think?

Customer:

I realize. thank you very much for the tips and suggestion. They are well appreciated!

NormanM :

Glad to help. Please rate my answer - we only get compensated if the rating is 3 or above. My very best wishes for the future.

Customer:

Thank you and I will surely rate you answer


 

NormanM :

Thanks, Rina! Bye for now.

Customer:

Bye Mr.Norman


 

Customer:
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2543
Experience: ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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